Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

Only the bride's family matters?

Weddings are often the kickoff to these extended family relationships on the other side, not the culmination of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

Only the bride's family matters?

Weddings are often the kickoff to these extended family relationships on the other side, not the culmination of them.

Well, yeah, because who is paying for this wedding? The broke nephew who took thousands of OPs money? The hosts of the wedding, meaning paying for it, are calling the shots. And not every family is like your with big extended family relationships. Some like to keep it small and manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

So she tried to buy the nephew’s interest in her son? That’s effed up.

No. Her son probably didn’t exist when the big gifts started. In the best spin, she tried to help him, she thought she had a bond with him and helping him was part of showing that. She found out she didn’t matter as much as she thought.
Or, nephew didn’t know it mattered to her that a 9 year old was invited.

In fact, we don’t know what the dynamic actually is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don’t go. Don’t go no contact, that is a crazy overreaction. Just get them a crappy present and move on. Nothing here worth getting so upset about. People can choose whatever kind of wedding they want. It isn’t about you.

Ah yes, the path of passive aggression. Works every time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

+1000

OP is petty and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Why would you reach out? The invitation specifies 16+. A host never calls each guest to go over what the invitations already specify. It's basic etiquette. And it's exactly so because all such calls would turn into a dramafest! Any explanation would be turned around and argued over.

Yeah, I guess you have a different relationship your family. If I excluded only one of my cousins I would totally reach out to my aunt or uncle and explain, especially if they had helped put me through school. And conversely, as someone who had a wedding with a big family and lots of guests, I was fine answering the occasional question from my guests - they were my closest friends and family, why not?

NP. I agree with you. So consider that neither the nephew nor OP picked up the phone. That tells me there's something very weird about their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

I bet you'd roll your eyes at anything other than every single member of your family being invited to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, all the money stuff is trying to concretize the gut punch of realizing you cared about someone, tried to help them along the way and that effort didn’t also form a bond between them. Not saying money should purchase that bond. Just this is a check along the way that yielded unexpected info.

Or, the groom is out of the loop for the wedding and in general.

If they were trying to exclude her son, they could have established a cut off of 12 or even 10. Absolutely not personal, clearly there are a bunch of kids and they drew a line.

No contact would be ridiculous.

So she tried to buy the nephew’s interest in her son? That’s effed up.

No. Her son probably didn’t exist when the big gifts started. In the best spin, she tried to help him, she thought she had a bond with him and helping him was part of showing that. She found out she didn’t matter as much as she thought.
Or, nephew didn’t know it mattered to her that a 9 year old was invited.

In fact, we don’t know what the dynamic actually is.

So she gave this nephew money a decade ago and is shocked her kid isn't included in the wedding? GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

Right, so it's not important to them. Which is fine, they are entitled to have a no-kids wedding. But I'm just saying it's dumb to blame the venue when they venue is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

Right, so it's not important to them. Which is fine, they are entitled to have a no-kids wedding. But I'm just saying it's dumb to blame the venue when they venue is a choice.

True, the venue is a choice. But most people planning what is likely the biggest and most expensive event of their lives don’t have unlimited choices. They might, say, have the reception at the church because it’s handicapped accessible, easy for the guests, and an inexpensive option, but: oops, one with rules and constraints. And families are different. Like OP apparently expects that, in the middle of planning their wedding, without her having to say a word, the bride and her parents will see her gift and somehow know that the groom’s aunt chose a toaster instead of a set of dishes because she gave the groom money when he was a college student but they didn’t invite her 9 year old son. People are interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Giving money is a choice and you don't throw it up to someone years later. She isn't as close to the family as she thought. Don't go, no present, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

Right, so it's not important to them. Which is fine, they are entitled to have a no-kids wedding. But I'm just saying it's dumb to blame the venue when they venue is a choice.

True, the venue is a choice. But most people planning what is likely the biggest and most expensive event of their lives don’t have unlimited choices. They might, say, have the reception at the church because it’s handicapped accessible, easy for the guests, and an inexpensive option, but: oops, one with rules and constraints. And families are different. Like OP apparently expects that, in the middle of planning their wedding, without her having to say a word, the bride and her parents will see her gift and somehow know that the groom’s aunt chose a toaster instead of a set of dishes because she gave the groom money when he was a college student but they didn’t invite her 9 year old son. People are interesting.

The church venue is absolutely not going to have an issue with kids.

I don't disagree with the premise that options are limited in light of costs etc but in most of these examples that is not the driver.

[Anonymous]

I am the child of someone who thinks like OP and all of my cousins were much older than me. I was the “cute kid” that they spent two seconds talking to at family gatherings before they turned their attention to people who were more their age. As we’ve all grown older, that age gap has shrunk a bit and I’ve had the opportunity to get to know some of them better. It was a slow process though because based on my mother’s tendency toward drama and “hurt,” they were initially wary in case I acted similarly. I don’t and it embarrasses me to be linked to my mother’s poor behavior in the name of “standing up for her family.”
OP, let it go for your DC’s sake. You’re not doing him/her any favors. Just the opposite.