Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps the nephew assumes he will be gifting OP,s son equivalent monetary gifts in upcoming years and that's how he reciprocates?

Unlikely! In every family there are givers and takers. It’s very rare for a taker to ever turn into a giver.

[Anonymous]

Life is long, and OP's son is a child. Maybe the cousins will be closer in the future. Maybe not. Who can say? But if closeness is desirable, why would OP decide now to behave in ways that could preclude it?

There's no way this was personally directed at OP and her kid. At worst, it was thoughtless. Really, that is the absolute worst that can be said about nephew's behavior here: thoughtless. Do we beat our breasts and wail and cut relatives off for one episode of thoughtlessness? Is that where we are now? Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long, and OP's son is a child. Maybe the cousins will be closer in the future. Maybe not. Who can say? But if closeness is desirable, why would OP decide now to behave in ways that could preclude it?

There's no way this was personally directed at OP and her kid. At worst, it was thoughtless. Really, that is the absolute worst that can be said about nephew's behavior here: thoughtless. Do we beat our breasts and wail and cut relatives off for one episode of thoughtlessness? Is that where we are now? Seriously?

Are you new around here?

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that if they specifically intended to not invite the OPs son, they could have done the cutoff at 10+. As it stands, 16+ are high school kids and independent, one doesn't need kid centered activities, food nor babysitters. 10- are elementary kids with all that comes with it. The OP herself says she cannot leave her 9 yo for a few hours without a babysitter. I had little kids at my wedding and if I'd have a re-do, I wouldn't: a lot of parents don't want to supervise their offspring and they become someone else's problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Why would you reach out? The invitation specifies 16+. A host never calls each guest to go over what the invitations already specify. It's basic etiquette. And it's exactly so because all such calls would turn into a dramafest! Any explanation would be turned around and argued over.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want to increase the chances of your child having a good relationship with the cousins and rest of the family, here is what you do:

Go to the party. Have a great time. Smile. Say congratulations and best wishes. Do not say a WORD about your son being excluded.

Leave DH and son at home or son with a babysitter or DH and son come with you but do something else fun in town that night. Stay at the wedding hotel and maybe your son will hang with family casually. Explain matter of factly to son that sometimes at weddings kids are not invited and it's nothing personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

I find some of this pretty funny because in my family, a $200 wedding gift to an extended family member is considered normal, even generous. Much more middle class than the typical DCUM family I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Why would you reach out? The invitation specifies 16+. A host never calls each guest to go over what the invitations already specify. It's basic etiquette. And it's exactly so because all such calls would turn into a dramafest! Any explanation would be turned around and argued over.

Yeah, I guess you have a different relationship your family. If I excluded only one of my cousins I would totally reach out to my aunt or uncle and explain, especially if they had helped put me through school. And conversely, as someone who had a wedding with a big family and lots of guests, I was fine answering the occasional question from my guests - they were my closest friends and family, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what she said:
OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand.

OP is a relative who likes to control people with money. If they aren't going they don't need to send a gift.

I disagree - I think if you are close enough to someone to give them thousands of dollars (or to accept that sort of money) it’s reasonable to at least expect them to reach out to acknowledge that the kid isn’t invited and maybe explain the situation. If my aunt gave me that sort of money and then I didn’t invite her kid to my wedding or offer any explanation, I think most of my family would fine that kind of rude.

Why would you reach out? The invitation specifies 16+. A host never calls each guest to go over what the invitations already specify. It's basic etiquette. And it's exactly so because all such calls would turn into a dramafest! Any explanation would be turned around and argued over.

Yeah, I guess you have a different relationship your family. If I excluded only one of my cousins I would totally reach out to my aunt or uncle and explain, especially if they had helped put me through school. And conversely, as someone who had a wedding with a big family and lots of guests, I was fine answering the occasional question from my guests - they were my closest friends and family, why not?

Ridiculous. In what scenario would you have ever excluded one of your cousins? If you would never do that then you can't say you would "totally reach out".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

I find some of this pretty funny because in my family, a $200 wedding gift to an extended family member is considered normal, even generous. Much more middle class than the typical DCUM family I guess.

Hahaha! I think $200 is super generous as well. $50 might be f* you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

I didn’t know my husbands cousins until the wedding. I mean how else do you get to know them? She’s joining the family now. This is not a good first step. I know my niece and nephew well enough and maybe I’d meet their fiance once or twice before the wedding but how would they know my kids? Just invite everyone. You are joining a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Just take your son anyway. It won't be a big deal.

No, please don't do this. If they have a seating arrangement where will he sit? Listen a 10 year is going to be bored at a wedding and he would rather be hanging out with boys his own age. I don't think you can leave a 10 year old alone at a hotel. I think that OP should just decide is this the hill she wants to die on for family? Child-free weddings are now the norm. Yes, but the bride and groom had a cutoff. But I can feel her pain. And she has a right to have her feelings hurt. What she plans to do is up to her.

Good luck. And I seriously mean this OP, please wish the bride and groom a very happy future.

I guarantee that there will be other kids at that wedding. Someone will probably even bring a baby. Seriously, just ignore and take him. You're close family not some distant acquaintance they have to reciprocate wedding invites to.

What entitlement.

It’s a good way to piss off the bride and groom and make sure they are both left off future invites.

What the actual heck kind of perspective do you people have? Do you really think a 9 year old cousin coming to their wedding will ruin their wedding? I doubt the bride and groom are as uncharitable as the shrews on dcum.

He's their family! Unless he personally offended them, excluding him like that is uncaring. If it was intentional, then even $200 is too good for them.

…. OP’s kid wasn’t singled out and excluded. The age cutoff for the event is 16 & older. He is not 16 or older.

OP said that all the other cousins will be able to attend, except her son. And I agree with you - he wasn’t singled out. That's why this unfortunate oversight shouldn't be allowed to cause such bad blood.

If I were OP, I'd just take him and mea culpa if that ruins their perfect day, and I'd wash my hands of them. But not going means OP is assuming the worst and preemptively cutting ties.

It hurts when you cared so much for someone (and someone's son) and they can't be bothered to think of your feelings (or your son's feelings).

Since you seem so sure of the facts here, tell us how many times op and her son have met the bride?

I'm not sure of the facts of even the bride and groom's intention vs oversight. But I know you don't toss out family that you care about. They deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Tossing out family? So dramatic. The only one tossing out family is OP who is never ever going to speak to them again. Ever!

Wut? That's exactly my whole point. OP shouldn't toss them out without first giving them a chance to self correct.

Just give them a call and say "I'm going to bring my son so he's not the only cousin left out - let me know if that's a problem". If it is a problem, then she'll know they were always thoughtless people and they'll know why Aunty never calls anymore.

You seem unwell. It’s a wedding, go or don’t go. But making weird threats and demands is super weird.

Obviously neither you nor I are principals in this drama. Funny, I was about to accuse you of either being an LLM agent or so heck bent to be nasty that you're not even consistent in what you say you think.

Either way, this situation makes me sad. Both because OP is about to shrink her circle of close family, and because in 19 pages of replies I seem to be the only one who thinks keeping family is more important than keeping decorum.

Please explain how springing a kid who is 7 years below the age cutoff, was not on the invitation, and who the bride and groom do not expect to attend on the wedding reception as a surprise is "keeping family." Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

Sure. This is all a big fat nothing-burger.

Coming from a loving and functional family - there was no way in hell ANYONE in the family would have ever had these kinds of arbitrary requirements for any celebration that excluded family members.

I find this hilarious that people have no shame when they take gifts and then insist that gifts does not deserve reciprocity.

Anyways, my recommendation stands - OP should neither attend, she should not send any gift and if asked why she is not attending she should make it clear that her child was excluded.

I love my parents, siblings, ILs...but I love my DH and my own kids more than them.

I’m sure the bride and groom feel the same. This is just a cousin and the bride barely knows him. OP hasn’t mentioned any relationship whatsoever between her son and the bride. Immediate family always comes first, duh.

I didn’t know my husbands cousins until the wedding. I mean how else do you get to know them? She’s joining the family now. This is not a good first step. I know my niece and nephew well enough and maybe I’d meet their fiance once or twice before the wedding but how would they know my kids? Just invite everyone. You are joining a family.

Your husband's extremely young cousin just isn't that important. The B&G will start their own family and focus on them anyway. Distant cousins who don't live locally are out of sight, out of mind.