Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your feelings are understandable. But I promise you this has nothing to do with your son - 100% this is driven by the bride, overall guest count and a gaggle of kids she's trying to tactfully exclude. So she chose 16 as the cutoff. My own 9 yr old would have been fine to stay with a good friend for a night or two. But if you're not comfortable with your babysitting options then you go alone or not at all. Then move past this.

Look, my cousin had to face an age cut off for her wedding, it was based on the venue requiring extra insurance for an event that combined alcohol + kids. I've helped this cousin out in the past (she lived with me for an internship in college).

She called me and explained the situation and recommended a babysitter locally that a friend used.

That's how you handle that kind of thing if you truly want someone at a wedding and are in a bind.

That's a choice to use that venue with a strange issue. Sounds like an excuse I'd roll my eyes at.

Why should your minor child’s attendance be important to the bride and grooms decision making process? (Hint - it shouldn’t be)

Right, so it's not important to them. Which is fine, they are entitled to have a no-kids wedding. But I'm just saying it's dumb to blame the venue when they venue is a choice.

True, the venue is a choice. But most people planning what is likely the biggest and most expensive event of their lives don’t have unlimited choices. They might, say, have the reception at the church because it’s handicapped accessible, easy for the guests, and an inexpensive option, but: oops, one with rules and constraints. And families are different. Like OP apparently expects that, in the middle of planning their wedding, without her having to say a word, the bride and her parents will see her gift and somehow know that the groom’s aunt chose a toaster instead of a set of dishes because she gave the groom money when he was a college student but they didn’t invite her 9 year old son. People are interesting.

The church venue is absolutely not going to have an issue with kids.

I don't disagree with the premise that options are limited in light of costs etc but in most of these examples that is not the driver.

Not the PP but geez it's obvious that was an example. As an ancedote we actually DID look into the hall at our church but the official capacity limit was smaller than I realized (so we would absolutely have had issues with # of guests invited), no alcohol, and there was a rodent issue at the time so it wasn't going to work for us. I think the point is that when you filter down by budget, location, and availability, your options are not endless. We ended up at a county park venue but they can be super popular and we had to schedule over a year out. And we have no idea where this nephew lives or what options they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

Just proves that she gave money for control/access and not the goodness of her heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

Just proves that she gave money for control/access and not the goodness of her heart.

Please. She gave him money to help him because she felt close to him and wanted to see him succeed.

It sounds like she expected to be treated like family in return.

Instead, her kid is the only one excluded from that side of the family. This is not about control, this is about reading the room and not being a doormat. Good for her for not going.

And I think it’s the right call to simply send their regrets with a cheap gift. No need to cut off contact, just match energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

Just proves that she gave money for control/access and not the goodness of her heart.

Please. She gave him money to help him because she felt close to him and wanted to see him succeed.

It sounds like she expected to be treated like family in return.

Instead, her kid is the only one excluded from that side of the family. This is not about control, this is about reading the room and not being a doormat. Good for her for not going.

And I think it’s the right call to simply send their regrets with a cheap gift. No need to cut off contact, just match energy.

Send regrets. No gifts at all. Match the energy properly. Don't do it in a half-ass manner. Only then people will stop walking all over you. Also, do not sugarcoat. When people ask why she did not attend....she can forward this thread to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to increase the chances of your child having a good relationship with the cousins and rest of the family, here is what you do:

Go to the party. Have a great time. Smile. Say congratulations and best wishes. Do not say a WORD about your son being excluded.

Leave DH and son at home or son with a babysitter or DH and son come with you but do something else fun in town that night. Stay at the wedding hotel and maybe your son will hang with family casually. Explain matter of factly to son that sometimes at weddings kids are not invited and it's nothing personal.

Nope. After everything that OP has done for the nephew, she does not have a good relationship. Which means that it is fruitless to be nice to them. Skip the wedding, skip the gift. Send regrets.

That's it. Maybe the better class of relatives will get the message and treat OP well going forward. But if they all are trailer trash kind of people, she does not need to have a realtionship with them for the sake of her kid. She is better off just saving all that money for her own child.

[Anonymous]

If there is a no kids wedding, adding one 9 year old that people wonder about causes more hassle than never seeing OP and their $$$ again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to increase the chances of your child having a good relationship with the cousins and rest of the family, here is what you do:

Go to the party. Have a great time. Smile. Say congratulations and best wishes. Do not say a WORD about your son being excluded.

Leave DH and son at home or son with a babysitter or DH and son come with you but do something else fun in town that night. Stay at the wedding hotel and maybe your son will hang with family casually. Explain matter of factly to son that sometimes at weddings kids are not invited and it's nothing personal.

Nope. After everything that OP has done for the nephew, she does not have a good relationship. Which means that it is fruitless to be nice to them. Skip the wedding, skip the gift. Send regrets.

That's it. Maybe the better class of relatives will get the message and treat OP well going forward. But if they all are trailer trash kind of people, she does not need to have a realtionship with them for the sake of her kid. She is better off just saving all that money for her own child.

You sound like you wouldn't be any fun at a wedding anyway. Please, do, stay home. Nobody cares about some random aunty and her brat this much.

[Anonymous]

I had to go no contact with my whole family. I didn't want to do it, it was a last resort. I don't understand people who resort to NC for petty reasons, such as their 9-year-old not being invited to a wedding with an age cut off of 16+. The punish is too severe, the punishment does not fit the crime. Just say you cannot attend. It shouldn't rise to the level of never speaking to your nephew again. That's just dumb and unnecessary. Never use no contact for petty reasons. It should be kept in reserve for real problems, as a last resort to flee abuse. This isn't a real problem that rises to NC levels. It just isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

Just proves that she gave money for control/access and not the goodness of her heart.

Please. She gave him money to help him because she felt close to him and wanted to see him succeed.

It sounds like she expected to be treated like family in return.

Instead, her kid is the only one excluded from that side of the family. This is not about control, this is about reading the room and not being a doormat. Good for her for not going.

And I think it’s the right call to simply send their regrets with a cheap gift. No need to cut off contact, just match energy.

Clearly you and OP think the world revolves around you. And, she is being punitive because she's giving him a low, spiteful amount in anger. So passive and lacking in self-awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there is a no kids wedding, adding one 9 year old that people wonder about causes more hassle than never seeing OP and their $$$ again.

How do they know she's going to be so vindictive? It wasn't a decision that was personal to her. They invited her to come and would probably be happy to see her believing they have a close relationship. It doesn't mean they don't like her son. His not going doesn't mean he won't be close with cousins. All of this is just made up narrative to fuel anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is a no kids wedding, adding one 9 year old that people wonder about causes more hassle than never seeing OP and their $$$ again.

How do they know she's going to be so vindictive? It wasn't a decision that was personal to her. They invited her to come and would probably be happy to see her believing they have a close relationship. It doesn't mean they don't like her son. His not going doesn't mean he won't be close with cousins. All of this is just made up narrative to fuel anger.

Yeah, no.

It’s perfectly fine for the couple to have a no kids wedding. However, they can’t expect attendance or huge cash gifts from relatives with kids.

The aunt isn’t vindictive because she won’t attend or send a bucket of cash. A nice $200 gift is all that good manners requires.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a child free wedding. You have a child. Either go without the child or don't go at all. You are incredibly selfish.

np Usually people don't want babies because they cry. 9 year olds are usually very well behaved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If there is a no kids wedding, adding one 9 year old that people wonder about causes more hassle than never seeing OP and their $$$ again.

How do they know she's going to be so vindictive? It wasn't a decision that was personal to her. They invited her to come and would probably be happy to see her believing they have a close relationship. It doesn't mean they don't like her son. His not going doesn't mean he won't be close with cousins. All of this is just made up narrative to fuel anger.

Yeah, no.

It’s perfectly fine for the couple to have a no kids wedding. However, they can’t expect attendance or huge cash gifts from relatives with kids.

The aunt isn’t vindictive because she won’t attend or send a bucket of cash. A nice $200 gift is all that good manners requires.

Nobody said it wasn't fine, OP came up with the punishment all on her own. She wants to send a message with her gift but nobody knows if the message will even be received. In OPs mind she is the VIP of this wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, seems that there are 2 issues mixed up. The groom and bride did nothing wrong setting a 16+ threshold: their wedding, their decision. The OP on the other hand feels entitled, as she gave a gift and unknowing to the groom, it came with strings attached. Don't give gifts if you then expect special treatment at other people's milestone events. What's next? Expect to spend a week in their house every year because you gave the $15K? The problem for you doesn't seem to be that your son got left out (and he doesn't care and even know about it unless told), the problem seems to be that you expect special treatment based on the money you previously gave.

From one of OPs updates she was worried that if she only gave the couple a $200 gift when they will expect thousands from her. This is either in their head or the extended relatives need to stop expecting large sums of money. If the nephew or his parents will be upset that OP didn’t give them thousands then screw them.

That is NOT what the OP said at all. She said she'll buy them a $200 gift from the registry as a f* you and would have otherwise given them thousands.

In what world is a $200 gift to a nephew a FU?

We are pretty wealthy and no one in our extended family buys a wedding gift more than $200-$300! In fact it would be considered very tacky to fill the registry with items above $200. Giving cash to anyone other than your own children would be equally trashy.

The OP said that if her son would've been invited, she would have given a gift in the thousands. That's her world, try to keep up. Comparatively, a $200 gift from the registry is cheap.

It’s not her ‘world’. She has been very generous in the past by giving her nephew large lump sums when he needed money in college. Her nephew has no right to expect his aunts money to keep flowing into his pockets especially if he doesn’t think to invite her kid to his wedding.