What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

When they were little, parents had all the power over them, loving or not. I can see the resentment phase. However they must heal themselves when they become adults.

When kids were little, we used to listen to Free to be you and me a lot. I remember a song Parents are people. I think young adults can be very selfish and deny their parents are people too. I try to respect their process but stay out of it for my own mental health. I don't like to get hurt either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children are programmed, biologically, to want connection and protection from parents and will believe it's there even when it is not, because believing in it is better for them. Many carry this on to adulthood and will not hear of any criticism against their sainted parents. The cognitive dissonance allows them to be functional and comfortable with other information and situations that are not true or right.

Therapists convincing adult children that their normal parents were bad is not a thing. Not gonna say it never happened! Everything has happened, but some things are exceptional and some things are not. 1) an adult child actually made his way to therapy 2) adult child begins to realize, his upbringing was perhaps not healthy ... 3) ignorant parents assume this growth in the adult child is the fault of an evil therapist intent on exposing their abuse and ruining the facade of their happy family. That's what really happens.

This is very true. The parent and adult child should have adult conversations about these unhealthy issues. However the adult child can't throw a tantrum and say abusive things like "you ruined my life" like a little kid over and over. At some stage, a person is responsible for their own happiness. I will go further and say we actually CHOOSE to be happy or miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????

When they were little, parents had all the power over them, loving or not. I can see the resentment phase. However they must heal themselves when they become adults.

When kids were little, we used to listen to Free to be you and me a lot. I remember a song Parents are people. I think young adults can be very selfish and deny their parents are people too. I try to respect their process but stay out of it for my own mental health. I don't like to get hurt either.

Most of our healing doesn't happen in a vacuum. It comes in community, in our relationships with other people. When a parent hurts a child, that hurt needs to be healed somehow. Parents of adult children (and in fact parents of children of all ages) can choose whether or not they want to be part of that healing process. If they do, the relationship is strengthened. If they don't, the relationship suffers.

When a parent chooses not to be a part of the healing process by not recognizing the pain that their shortcomings contributed to, and by making the conversation all about the parent, that tells the child "I am not a safe person for you to have a close relationship with." Often when the resentment phase is over, that doesn't mean that there is forgiveness or a strong relationship. It means the adult child has accepted reality and made peace with having the kind of relationship they can realistically have with their parent. This usually means a superficial relationship. You can be cordial, but not share difficulties or little triumphs or anything vulnerable. Sometimes it can mean cutting off the parent completely. So yes, it's good when resentment gives way to acceptance and healing, but it in a way can be sad for a loss of hope for a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

But intention does not matter according to all these people bashing a loving parent. So did you go to a university and get a child rearing degree before you get pregnant?

Nobody said intent doesn't matter. We just said that impact matters too, and if a parent really cares about how their kids are feeling they will also care about impact and won't make it *all* about intent.

It's one thing to say "I did my best, but I see that you suffered some hurt and I'm sorry for that."

It's another to say "I gave up everything for you and did my best, I deserve some understanding, your issues are your responsibility and not mine."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

Relationship is a 2 way street after 18 years old.

PP here.

I think it's actually a 2-way street from the moment children have an ability to see that their parents are human beings. This isn't to say you dump a 10-year old with your issues, but you can definitely expect a child to see where you are coming from in an age-appropriate manner. And yes you can expect that an adult child can do that even more.

But look at #3. OP cannot change the way her son is acting or how he feels. She obviously believes that his issues are his fault and she doesn't owe him anything anymore. But how much can it hurt for her to think about things from her son's perspective and say "I can see where you are combing from, and I'm sorry you are hurting." Sadly we don't have a word in the English language that denotes empathy without accountability, but sorry is a good enough word here. If she can do this, her relationship with her son will improve over time.

It is actually sort of hard to get a sincere apology from somebody who has hurt you, because after that, the onus is on you to manage feelings of resentment, There is no longer anything to do but take accountability for your own life and move forward, both in your own life and in the relationship. So getting some empathy and love from your parent doesn't absolve you of your personal responsibility, it actually makes it so that's all that's left.

But honestly, based on everything she has said, I don't know that her son should try to have a better relationship with her. It seems like she is one of those parents who just cannot get out of her own feelings and think about her son feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Children are programmed, biologically, to want connection and protection from parents and will believe it's there even when it is not, because believing in it is better for them. Many carry this on to adulthood and will not hear of any criticism against their sainted parents. The cognitive dissonance allows them to be functional and comfortable with other information and situations that are not true or right.

Therapists convincing adult children that their normal parents were bad is not a thing. Not gonna say it never happened! Everything has happened, but some things are exceptional and some things are not. 1) an adult child actually made his way to therapy 2) adult child begins to realize, his upbringing was perhaps not healthy ... 3) ignorant parents assume this growth in the adult child is the fault of an evil therapist intent on exposing their abuse and ruining the facade of their happy family. That's what really happens.

This is very true. The parent and adult child should have adult conversations about these unhealthy issues. However the adult child can't throw a tantrum and say abusive things like "you ruined my life" like a little kid over and over. At some stage, a person is responsible for their own happiness. I will go further and say we actually CHOOSE to be happy or miserable.

What about when the parent acts like a petulant child and refuses to acknowledge her role in her child’s development?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

But intention does not matter according to all these people bashing a loving parent. So did you go to a university and get a child rearing degree before you get pregnant?

It seems like most people just want OP to acknowledge her role and own it. Not try to pass blame to someone who wasn’t even there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

This is scary. I would not be surprised if your kids have issues later.

Being a black and white thinker serves me well. I make quick decisions, I suffer no uncertainty and I am deliberate in my actions. I do not visit my abusive childhood or my shortcomings(due to my abusive childhood) upon my children. I am a master at compartmentalization and my children receive the absolute best care from me and their father, who has no traumatic past. The kids will be fine. Should they one day come to me with complaints or mental injuries from my parenting, I will 100% acknowledge, support and apologize. I'll even pay for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

Trying to imply therapy is bad is actually evil. It helps people deal with trauma, abuse, and more. Any parent who is threatened by it clearly has problems that can not be dealt with here.

NP. Claiming that all therapists are helpful is actually evil. There are incompetent therapists and there are evil therapists. I’ve met both. Worst was the guy who told me to put a note in my kid’s backpack saying he would lose xyz privilege if he didn’t get an A on the test that same day. Besides the fact that my kid would already have been in school and it would have been to late to study, this struck me as beyond manipulative. We left that therapist immediately. I wish I were making this up.

[Anonymous]

I suspect that confronting a parent with complaints from childhood is more an effort to spread the pain around than a remedial effort.

Adult child: You were not the parent I wanted and I am angry at you.

Parent: I am sorry that you feel that way, I didn't try to make you unhappy in your childhood. What can I do for you now?

Adult child: Nothing you can do. No apology will make me feel better.

Parent: Then why are you complaining to me.

Adult child: I want to you feel as miserable as I do.

Parent: I do.

Adult child: That's not enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect that confronting a parent with complaints from childhood is more an effort to spread the pain around than a remedial effort.

Adult child: You were not the parent I wanted and I am angry at you.

Parent: I am sorry that you feel that way, I didn't try to make you unhappy in your childhood. What can I do for you now?

Adult child: Nothing you can do. No apology will make me feel better.

Parent: Then why are you complaining to me.

Adult child: I want to you feel as miserable as I do.

Parent: I do.

Adult child: That's not enough!

Now let's flip the script....

Parent: You are not the young adult I wanted you to be and I am angry at you.

Adult child: I am sorry that you feel that way, I didn't try to make you unhappy in your old age. What can I do for you now?

Parent: Nothing you can do. No apology will make me feel better.

Adult child: Then why are you complaining to me?

Parent: I want to you feel as miserable about you as I do.

Adult child: I do.

Parent: That's not enough!

[Anonymous]

What's weird here is the charade that parents of adult kids suddenly no longer engage in any sort of parenting/controlling behavior once their kids are 18, and that no parent-child power dynamic exists anymore. Nothing magic happens when a kid turns 18. Parents often continue to make demands, try to exert control, engage in unhealthy triangulation with other relatives, manipulate, etc. This doesn't magically stop because the child is legally an adult. My guess is that the parents so "shocked" that their adult child is "complaining" have never ceased to try to exert control over their child, and they continue to refuse to even try to be emotionally mature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the therapists caused more problems. Blaming the loving, dedicated mother is evil.

Trying to imply therapy is bad is actually evil. It helps people deal with trauma, abuse, and more. Any parent who is threatened by it clearly has problems that can not be dealt with here.

NP. Claiming that all therapists are helpful is actually evil. There are incompetent therapists and there are evil therapists. I’ve met both. Worst was the guy who told me to put a note in my kid’s backpack saying he would lose xyz privilege if he didn’t get an A on the test that same day. Besides the fact that my kid would already have been in school and it would have been to late to study, this struck me as beyond manipulative. We left that therapist immediately. I wish I were making this up.

a) evil is a strong word

b) nobody claimed that all therapists are helpful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's weird here is the charade that parents of adult kids suddenly no longer engage in any sort of parenting/controlling behavior once their kids are 18, and that no parent-child power dynamic exists anymore. Nothing magic happens when a kid turns 18. Parents often continue to make demands, try to exert control, engage in unhealthy triangulation with other relatives, manipulate, etc. This doesn't magically stop because the child is legally an adult. My guess is that the parents so "shocked" that their adult child is "complaining" have never ceased to try to exert control over their child, and they continue to refuse to even try to be emotionally mature.

There are plenty of parents that are disappointed in their adult children, they cause the parents a lot of pain and money into adulthood. Parents have their own regrets and shoulda-done this or that differently. Parents never stop loving their kids and wanting them to be happy. Therapy and self help should help achieve that, not finger pointing and blaming the parents.

[Anonymous]

The story if my life.