Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son? [/quote]

Relationship is a 2 way street after 18 years old.[/quote]

PP here.

I think it's actually a 2-way street from the moment children have an ability to see that their parents are human beings. This isn't to say you dump a 10-year old with your issues, but you can definitely expect a child to see where you are coming from in an age-appropriate manner. And yes you can expect that an adult child can do that even more.

But look at #3. OP cannot change the way her son is acting or how he feels. She obviously believes that his issues are his fault and she doesn't owe him anything anymore. But how much can it hurt for her to think about things from her son's perspective and say "I can see where you are combing from, and I'm sorry you are hurting." Sadly we don't have a word in the English language that denotes empathy without accountability, but sorry is a good enough word here. If she can do this, her relationship with her son will improve over time.

It is actually sort of hard to get a sincere apology from somebody who has hurt you, because after that, the onus is on you to manage feelings of resentment, There is no longer anything to do but take accountability for your own life and move forward, both in your own life and in the relationship. So getting some empathy and love from your parent doesn't absolve you of your personal responsibility, it actually makes it so that's all that's left.

But honestly, based on everything she has said, I don't know that her son should try to have a better relationship with her. It seems like she is one of those parents who just cannot get out of her own feelings and think about her son feels. [/quote]

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