Reply to What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The problem is that after an incredibly long and arduous marathon of raising children, which goes on and on and on and on, during which you put your own needs aside FOR YEARS and give your DC your very lifeblood and life's energy, sacrificing absolutely everything for them to the point where you are finally crawling over the finish line on your hands and knees with your youngest -- THEN you're supposed to apologize for your shortcomings and ask for forgiveness??

Are you f'ing kidding me??????[/quote]

When they were little, parents had all the power over them, loving or not. I can see the resentment phase. [b]However they must heal themselves when they become adults.[/b]

When kids were little, we used to listen to Free to be you and me a lot. I remember a song Parents are people. I think young adults can be very selfish and deny their parents are people too. I try to respect their process but stay out of it for my own mental health. I don't like to get hurt either.[/quote]

Most of our healing doesn't happen in a vacuum. It comes in community, in our relationships with other people. When a parent hurts a child, that hurt needs to be healed somehow. Parents of adult children (and in fact parents of children of all ages) can choose whether or not they want to be part of that healing process. If they do, the relationship is strengthened. If they don't, the relationship suffers.

When a parent chooses not to be a part of the healing process by not recognizing the pain that their shortcomings contributed to, and by making the conversation all about the parent, that tells the child "I am not a safe person for you to have a close relationship with." Often when the resentment phase is over, that doesn't mean that there is forgiveness or a strong relationship. It means the adult child has accepted reality and made peace with having the kind of relationship they can realistically have with their parent. This usually means a superficial relationship. You can be cordial, but not share difficulties or little triumphs or anything vulnerable. Sometimes it can mean cutting off the parent completely. So yes, it's good when resentment gives way to acceptance and healing, but it in a way can be sad for a loss of hope for a good relationship. [/quote]

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