What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

It's as if they are proud of their ignorance. They remind me of people who think you can beat or discipline the disabilities out of a child.

Yes, respecting elders is just like trying to beat disabilities out of a child. OMG the people on this thread. You are unreal, PP.

There are literally people in this thread who said they were beaten relentlessly to correct normal behavior, and sometimes in the name of God. I do not believe the PP was far off, and if you want to argue about something, how about arguing for the safety and protection of children, vs. "Omg, you're so ridiculous, parents would never" when obviously, parents HAVE done so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a narcissist.

Who? The kid or the therapist or you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

At some stage, an adult needs to own their life, like after 18 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So DS 30's has finally gone into therapy to work on himself, but now he is basically blaming me and my marriage problem/fighting, my religion that I forced on him, my homeschooling, my house rules, etc. All these things caused his mental problems and unhappiness according to his therapist. I have apologized if I contributed but there is not much to be done now. He wrote me a letter about it. It's depressing have all this blame hurled at me, I can't change the past and I wasn't a perfect parent - but we did our best and I thought he had a fairly happy childhood, much better than DH and I. I tried to give him the childhood I wanted as a kid. It's causing me to feel down. No one can hurt you like your kid.

Those things sound like they could easily impact him. You don't think marriage issues/fighting impact kids? You don't think homeschooling, depending on how you did it and if it was what he wanted, could impact him? You sound all about you, not him.

So what? He needs to work it out with his therapist. He can't fix and would not have any interest in his parents life anyway. He is just laying the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

Her job is done. A 30 year old man needs to fix himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone ever question whether therapy is a good idea. Our culture sees therapists constantly yet is the most miserable dysfunctional, suicidal mess ever. Seems like something isn’t working so well.

Maybe we should return to respecting elders and taking responsibility for one’s self.

I mean, you wanna go back in time? How far back do you want to go? Hahahahaha. I assume you must be a white privileged person, the only ones who revere the past. I myself am a white privileged person, who has benefitted from therapy. I got generational trauma, as most people do. I have PTSD from my mother's abuse, and I do actually feel sorry for her, she grew up in such a terrible time for women.

If you want to just go on in survival mode ... then your approach of "respecting elders" might work for you, but not your kids, who will not relate to your outdated, abusive, primitive world view. IMO, you need to grow up and face reality if you want a happy family. The past is terrible.

It would be helpful if you could post something legitimate instead of just seething with anger and scorn. I think you have something to say but it's not worth wading through your emotional and psychological screed to get to it. If this represents the results of therapy, it seems like a waste of money.

Can you repost saying what you actually mean?

What I mean is, people who are sure that families were happier in the past because of "respect" and "values" are idiots who don't understand history or much else. So, there's my unsaid scorn for you. I think you are ignorant, and ignorance is a poor thing in a parent.

It's as if they are proud of their ignorance. They remind me of people who think you can beat or discipline the disabilities out of a child.

Yes, respecting elders is just like trying to beat disabilities out of a child. OMG the people on this thread. You are unreal, PP.

There are literally people in this thread who said they were beaten relentlessly to correct normal behavior, and sometimes in the name of God. I do not believe the PP was far off, and if you want to argue about something, how about arguing for the safety and protection of children, vs. "Omg, you're so ridiculous, parents would never" when obviously, parents HAVE done so.

So what if parents have done so? Does that mean every single comment or the OP's thread is about those experiences? No. OP is not their parents! A poster who says we should respect our elders is also not that parent.

I thought therapy helped people see how their own experiences have clouded their view of life. I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Give it time.

2. Intent does not equal impact. Someone can sincerely believe they were doing right and yet their actions cause serious harm. This is true in all arenas of life, not just parenting. Stop making this about your intent.

3. Do you want to be right or have a good relationship with your son?

Relationship is a 2 way street after 18 years old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Nope!

You'll understand when you have a baby.

DP, but no.

My parents were/are emotionally immature people who blamed their children for their own unhappiness. We were always told that it was our bad behavior that caused their unhappiness, that if we just learned to behave then our family could be content. This is how I was raised.

As an adult with my own child, I now fully understand that my siblings and I were NOT uniquely bad kids. We were kids. We were learning how the world worked and we made mistakes. Probably more than most because our parents offered very little in the way of guidance. Our home life was chaotic and stressful because our parents, THE ADULTS, did not have the skill set necessary to create a peaceful and calm home life. They blamed us because it was easier than taking responsibility themselves. They told themselves that they just got unlucky and had bad kids, and were jealous of people with good kids who had obviously just lucked in it.

My parents now fluctuate from telling me how bad my kid is (for doing normal things like whining about being bored, being excited and running around, asking for sweets, or wanting to do things other than sit around and listen to her grandparents talk about their health problems), and marveling how "lucky" I am that despite all this, my DD is kind, affectionate, well-behaved at school, honest with us, and compliant with our household rules. They don't understand that those things are related. We don't have unrealistic expectations of our child and we understand it is our job to help her learn how to behave, though support and teaching, not yelling and berating. Our kid is a "good kid" because we are good parents. It has very little to do with luck, unless you count how lucky my kid is that her mom went to therapy for 20 years before having her.

How do you know? It is quite arrogant. Wait till your child denounce you when he is 30.

Many therapists' kids are messed up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

This is scary. I would not be surprised if your kids have issues later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a Philip Larkin poem about this. It’s pretty generational.

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They f$%k you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f$%ked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Unfortunately many f---ed up adult children will reproduce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

You don't sound very kind or empathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

It is a 20 year investment in one's child(ren). I get that sh1t happens, but my kids come first. I'm not saying sah or homeschool. I'm saying have a child centered home where the kids' feelings and opinions are valued and where they have a loving, safe, secure, and peaceful childhood. Childhood is precious. Do you really want to eff your kids over? I am a black and white thinker. You know why? My parents f#cked me up. My kids are close to adulthood and their life experience is vastly superior to my and dh's. Nothing is more important than our kids, including and especially our sh1tty parents.

You think you did everything right but, your kids could have a different opinion. That is all that I am saying.

And when/if they come to me as adults with any issues, I will lovingly listen and address them. I'm confident any issues they have would not be to the level of requiring therapy. Children who feel valued, secure and loved are able to express their feelings in real time, which my kids have done and do. I respond with kindness. Every time.

I wouldn't be so confident if I were you. Believe or not there are parents who do all that you do and yet the kids are still disgrunted

Disgruntled is fine. In need of therapy is another story.

So therapy is bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

Therapy should give people tools to be in better control of their lives and their feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone should try therapy. But therapy should make people feel better, not worse. It should help someone understand where their parents are coming from and help them unravel their feelings, not help them have bad feelings for their parents. Because unless parents raped their children (which happens) or abandoned them (happens) or beat them severely or brought johns home while their kids were in the house, or put zero effort into being there for them, moving away and leaving them behind, etc., then it's a good bet their parents did actually the best they could. This is reality. A good therapist should know that just from listening to so many people. If they are not wise, they are useless.

I agree. Pointing the finger at your parents is easier than owning your own sh*t and healing your own heart. A therapist should heal not encourage resentment that festers. When young people become parents they usually get an appreciation of how hard it is to be a parent and they get a better perspective on their own parents. Sometimes they realize they owe their parents an apology for their behavior as a young person.

Or sometimes becoming a parent makes you realize what a poor job your parents did.

+1000. Becoming a parent made me a) realize how poor a job my parents did and b) resolve to do almost everything the opposite w my own kids. I had never thought that much about parenting before getting pregnant w my first. Before having kids I didn’t fully understand just how lacking my parents were and how strongly I felt about wanting to do so much better for my kids.

But intention does not matter according to all these people bashing a loving parent. So did you go to a university and get a child rearing degree before you get pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a religious zealot who homeschooled your kid now he is a college dropout and U THINK THSTS NOT YOUR FAULT?

Ask him what he needs from you to be a whole successful adult and do that.

You stunted his growth don’t continue to do so.

Stop shouting. I feel sorry for your kids already.