Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Please don't marry this guy. Imagine all the little digs your son will hear over time? Imagine those directed at your son. Please. Do. Not.

Also, you lost 70 lbs! This is such an amazing accomplishment. The will and purpose you have is amazing. And you're going to let this guy thwart that? No, way. He doesn't get to do that. He doesn't deserve you. Please do not marry him. I'm begging you. ON MY KNEES.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

Then he needs to get some counseling for himself, because that's unhealthy. An untreated injury that doesn't heal properly can become a life-long issue that burdens not just him but those around him as well. Loving himself and you would mean getting the treatment he needs. If he can't bring himself to spend money he has to take proper care of himself, he's not an emotionally healthy person.

And if he doesn't get that, your relationship issues will never be resolved. Even with separate finances, you will fight about money. It will be about where you live, what kinds of vacations you take, how much of an emergency fund you keep, who pays which bills (down to if you need high-speed internet for work and he'd be fine with the slowest/cheapest option, what's your relative share of the bill when he doesn't want to pay for your extra speed), what your retirement funds look like, etc. Even if your son's clothing comes from your bank account, he will be critical of how much you spend because he'll know that spending less would mean you two would collectively have more for something else.

This is really my main worry. One of the biggest fights we ever had was when he called me to ask me to reconsider going to my home country a few years ago. I only go every 5-7 years and my then 7 year old has never been. This was a vacation but it was also meeting family and going home. He suggested that we all just go to Dominican instead because it was cheaper. To this day he doesn’t understand how incensitive that was on every possible level. I paid for all of it myself and never asked him to help me with a single thing (I make a lot more than he does). But this was very important to me because my son was going to meet his great grandmother and family he hasn’t met yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't marry this guy. Imagine all the little digs your son will hear over time? Imagine those directed at your son. Please. Do. Not.

Also, you lost 70 lbs! This is such an amazing accomplishment. The will and purpose you have is amazing. And you're going to let this guy thwart that? No, way. He doesn't get to do that. He doesn't deserve you. Please do not marry him. I'm begging you. ON MY KNEES.

Yes, I’m pretty proud of myself I’m not going to lie. Once I set my mind on things I’m pretty determined. The last thing I want is for my son to feel inferior in any way. So far I haven’t allowed that but I know these issues only get amplified when you get married.

[Anonymous]

This man has no regard for your son's needs nor your family ties. Please end the relationship or cool it enough that it doesn't harm your son, or eventually you.

[Anonymous]

I would not marry this man.

[Anonymous]

Respect yourself and your son. You don’t need this guy. If you dump him, I promise you will attract a much better fish.

[Anonymous]

18:26 - responding w/o repasting the long post. NP here. Your family is important to you, and he doesn't GAF. You see them very 5-7 years, and still he is difficult about it? He doesn't care/understand how important that is to you? If he is not trying to please you, then who?

My friend married a guy like this - he wanted to go to his family's *destination wedding* in the same country, but different month, than his wife's family (who lives in that country, born and raised). The wife had not seen her family in decades, and the DCs had not yet met their first cousins. The DH "reciprocated" by boycotting the next family wedding (this one in the same country as my friend and her DH, not that far away, the hotel was already booked, and they could easily drive there). Mind you, the wife's side treats the DH like gold, while (let's just say) not so, the other way around. The DH is as selfish as, you guessed it, the rest of his family.

Have you met anyone on his side and spent a little time with them - to gauge what you are getting into? I think my friend (with this type of DH) wishes she had! OP, please do not set a date for this wedding. You and your son deserve MUCH better people. You sound like a warm person and a hard worker, and you need someone more like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

Then he needs to get some counseling for himself, because that's unhealthy. An untreated injury that doesn't heal properly can become a life-long issue that burdens not just him but those around him as well. Loving himself and you would mean getting the treatment he needs. If he can't bring himself to spend money he has to take proper care of himself, he's not an emotionally healthy person.

And if he doesn't get that, your relationship issues will never be resolved. Even with separate finances, you will fight about money. It will be about where you live, what kinds of vacations you take, how much of an emergency fund you keep, who pays which bills (down to if you need high-speed internet for work and he'd be fine with the slowest/cheapest option, what's your relative share of the bill when he doesn't want to pay for your extra speed), what your retirement funds look like, etc. Even if your son's clothing comes from your bank account, he will be critical of how much you spend because he'll know that spending less would mean you two would collectively have more for something else.

This is really my main worry. One of the biggest fights we ever had was when he called me to ask me to reconsider going to my home country a few years ago. I only go every 5-7 years and my then 7 year old has never been. This was a vacation but it was also meeting family and going home. He suggested that we all just go to Dominican instead because it was cheaper. To this day he doesn’t understand how incensitive that was on every possible level. I paid for all of it myself and never asked him to help me with a single thing (I make a lot more than he does). But this was very important to me because my son was going to meet his great grandmother and family he hasn’t met yet.

I'm a new poster. This one pushed me over the edge. Maybe because I'm from another country myself. My DH is a born-and-raised American, former military, red/white/blue. But as soon as we got engaged, he started learning my native language. He didn't complain about the cost of private school tuition for my son, in that language and in the education of my country. When we had another child, he was sent to that school. He doesn't mind vacations back home. He's now (17 yrs later) still not totally fluent, but speaks it well enough--we can watch TV in it, etc. When you marry someone from another country and culture, this is what happens. I speak fluent English, travel all over the US, understand American pop culture, support the country, all of that. It's not just because I live here, it's because it's my husband's country of birth and we support each other. Does this make sense to you?

It's part of the bigger issue I see in your posts, that he questions and doesn't support therapy for your son, etc. I wonder about that too. He can be a great colleague, friend, son, brother, but still be a terrible husband to you because you have different goals and beliefs. I really worry about him as your son's stepfather--that doesn't sound like it's even on the radar. How old is your son? It only gets harder as they get older.

Please reconsider marrying him, or at the very least, do some serious in depth counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:26 - responding w/o repasting the long post. NP here. Your family is important to you, and he doesn't GAF. You see them very 5-7 years, and still he is difficult about it? He doesn't care/understand how important that is to you? If he is not trying to please you, then who?

My friend married a guy like this - he wanted to go to his family's *destination wedding* in the same country, but different month, than his wife's family (who lives in that country, born and raised). The wife had not seen her family in decades, and the DCs had not yet met their first cousins. The DH "reciprocated" by boycotting the next family wedding (this one in the same country as my friend and her DH, not that far away, the hotel was already booked, and they could easily drive there). Mind you, the wife's side treats the DH like gold, while (let's just say) not so, the other way around. The DH is as selfish as, you guessed it, the rest of his family.

Have you met anyone on his side and spent a little time with them - to gauge what you are getting into? I think my friend (with this type of DH) wishes she had! OP, please do not set a date for this wedding. You and your son deserve MUCH better people. You sound like a warm person and a hard worker, and you need someone more like you.

I’ve met his sister (3) who all live locally. I wouldn’t say I’m close with them but they’ve all been very nice and welcoming of me. They are generally very close which is one thing I actually like about him/them.

His approach to money and I guess me has been weighing on me for a long time. I thought maybe I was just being too sensitive but perhaps I am not.

[Anonymous]

The questions about your son's therapy may not have been about money. I don't blame you for wanting to keep your money separate.

[Anonymous]

This isn't about money. This is about respect and how he communicates.

It's also not about whether he loves you. He may love you more than he ever will anyone else--but it doesn't mean you should stay with him.

The question is, how does he treat someone he loves? Like this? It's unacceptable; time to set a boundary. If he can't respect it, you know everything you need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

Then he needs to get some counseling for himself, because that's unhealthy. An untreated injury that doesn't heal properly can become a life-long issue that burdens not just him but those around him as well. Loving himself and you would mean getting the treatment he needs. If he can't bring himself to spend money he has to take proper care of himself, he's not an emotionally healthy person.

And if he doesn't get that, your relationship issues will never be resolved. Even with separate finances, you will fight about money. It will be about where you live, what kinds of vacations you take, how much of an emergency fund you keep, who pays which bills (down to if you need high-speed internet for work and he'd be fine with the slowest/cheapest option, what's your relative share of the bill when he doesn't want to pay for your extra speed), what your retirement funds look like, etc. Even if your son's clothing comes from your bank account, he will be critical of how much you spend because he'll know that spending less would mean you two would collectively have more for something else.

This is really my main worry. One of the biggest fights we ever had was when he called me to ask me to reconsider going to my home country a few years ago. I only go every 5-7 years and my then 7 year old has never been. This was a vacation but it was also meeting family and going home. He suggested that we all just go to Dominican instead because it was cheaper. To this day he doesn’t understand how incensitive that was on every possible level. I paid for all of it myself and never asked him to help me with a single thing (I make a lot more than he does). But this was very important to me because my son was going to meet his great grandmother and family he hasn’t met yet.

This is really unacceptable, op.

He is controlling and disrespectful to you. He seems the type that sees himself as Always right and superior. Helping out s needy neighbor and putting on a show of generosity for others doesn’t mean he will.maintain this behind closed doors.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a PP that he sounds controlling and judgmental.

You don't need him. You can't change him. Leave.

[Anonymous]

You’re not being overly sensitive, op. In fact I think you’re making too many excuses for him bc you’ve invested so much time in this relationship. The more you post the more I am concerned about you and your son. You seem to be really in a good place independent of this man. I worry what this marriage will do to both you and your son.

[Anonymous]

I don't have anything against frugal people - in fact, I'm trying to be more frugal myself. I also don't think anything he's done *yet* is out of line or controlling - he's allowed to question you and you are free to either discuss or dismiss. He hasn't said your son shouldn't get the therapy he needs, but he's made some comments.

HOWEVER, this issue of your disagreement over money management and spending will not go away or get better after marriage - it WILL get worse. You need to either sit down and come to an agreement honestly and compassionately with each other, or you need to separate because the way you two approach money is just too dissimilar. He will resent you and you will resent him one way or the other if you carry on without addressing this. I'd say counseling if you two are married, but since you're not married yet - is it really a relationship you want to take into marriage when it's this much work and you haven't even walked down the aisle?