Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not being overly sensitive, op. In fact I think you’re making too many excuses for him bc you’ve invested so much time in this relationship. The more you post the more I am concerned about you and your son. You seem to be really in a good place independent of this man. I worry what this marriage will do to both you and your son.

That’s certainly a part of it. We’ve been together for 4.5 years and I certainly don’t want another failed relationship. But I am in a good place in my life and I worked very hard to get where I am, emotionally, financially, etc. I don’t want a relationship and marriage just because.

[Anonymous]

OP -- I've posted a lot in this thread expressing my concerns about this relationship. In my own marriage, I'm the more "frugal" one. Or I was. I'm the wife.

I got married in my twenties and had a lot of issues spending money and experienced a lot of guilt. I grew up in a middle class house where we didn't have a lot of money, but were comfortable. However my dad's constant anxiety and tantrums about every bill made me really anxious about everything. He'd be aware of an expenditure but then rant and rave and delay and miss deadlines everytime a bill arrived. There was so much drama with each bill. And I carried that with me for a long time, even though I didn't realize it. I also just didn't give myself permission to spend on things I really wanted and would compensate by buying cheap things impulsively and ultimately not being satisfied or productive.

My husband is different. He felt like a huge spender to me because he likes his electronics and everything is expensive. He is the type to say that if you want something and can afford it, buy it and enjoy it, rather than overthinking and denying yourself. It took me a long time to accept and see that there is wisdom in this approach as long as he doesn't overdo it (which he doesn't). When I was younger and immature and guilt-ridden I questioned some purchases and it would bother him because it was like I was questioning his right to spend money he'd earned, and it was true, I was. Since then we've both matured and are good about communicating. I probably spend more but also more wisely. And he's become more careful with the responsibility of house and kids, etc. The point is we respect each other to actually talk about it and accept the other's different approach. I just don't see that with the way you have described your relationship. And since you're in your forties, I am assuming he's not super young.

Eventhough I could theoretically understand your fiance's perspective, I think he sounds foolish and controlling and egotistical, not wise and frugal. You sound more mature and logical in your approach. He is holding you back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, I hate to break it to you, but the title of your post makes it sound like you had a spat with your SO over one thing that was said. In reality, you have a major issue going on between you and your fiance. He doesn't want to pay for your son's (not his son, I gather) therapy and you think this will somehow go away? It sounds like you've had problems/issues with money between you two from the get go. What makes you think it's going to get any better when you get married? I'm sorry, but anyone reading this would see a ton of red flags for this marriage. Do you really not see that?

+1

Do not marry this man.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, do not marry this guy. It's not just you - this will affect your kid. Don't do it. Date and live separately if you enjoy his company

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to meet with a therapist with HIM and discuss this. You are both ignoring issues. This is a huge red flag and just because you think you aren't merging what will it look like when the roof falls in and he says hmm - I kind of like the light? What if you lose your job and your son still needs this therapy or whatever - do you really want this man deciding what to spend money on. Sounds like your values are hugely different and you need to be open now and set up a true financial plan as you are bringing your son into this: red flags and warning signs!

This! Especially with a kid involved. You need a partner, not an adversary. Life will not always be easy. The idea that you will be able to keep your finances completely separate is naive.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't seem to like your son, that would be a bigger warning to me. Plus, so much other nit picking? How controlling will he be when you do marry?

[Anonymous]

Why are you marrying him?! Don't sign up for this, you can do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

I disagree that it's obvious he loves himself. And if he doesn't love himself, he can't love you or your son. I really hope you reconsider making this guy your life partner.

[Anonymous]

So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I've posted a lot in this thread expressing my concerns about this relationship. In my own marriage, I'm the more "frugal" one. Or I was. I'm the wife.

I got married in my twenties and had a lot of issues spending money and experienced a lot of guilt. I grew up in a middle class house where we didn't have a lot of money, but were comfortable. However my dad's constant anxiety and tantrums about every bill made me really anxious about everything. He'd be aware of an expenditure but then rant and rave and delay and miss deadlines everytime a bill arrived. There was so much drama with each bill. And I carried that with me for a long time, even though I didn't realize it. I also just didn't give myself permission to spend on things I really wanted and would compensate by buying cheap things impulsively and ultimately not being satisfied or productive.

My husband is different. He felt like a huge spender to me because he likes his electronics and everything is expensive. He is the type to say that if you want something and can afford it, buy it and enjoy it, rather than overthinking and denying yourself. It took me a long time to accept and see that there is wisdom in this approach as long as he doesn't overdo it (which he doesn't). When I was younger and immature and guilt-ridden I questioned some purchases and it would bother him because it was like I was questioning his right to spend money he'd earned, and it was true, I was. Since then we've both matured and are good about communicating. I probably spend more but also more wisely. And he's become more careful with the responsibility of house and kids, etc. The point is we respect each other to actually talk about it and accept the other's different approach. I just don't see that with the way you have described your relationship. And since you're in your forties, I am assuming he's not super young.

Eventhough I could theoretically understand your fiance's perspective, I think he sounds foolish and controlling and egotistical, not wise and frugal. You sound more mature and logical in your approach. He is holding you back.

I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. I am definitely not careless with money but like your husband like to enjoy things and experiences occasionally. But I don’t spend money I don’t have on clothes or purses or careless things.

It’s exactly what you said. It feels like he is questioning how I spend money I make and it’s ten times worse whe he questions things like my sons therapy. That just cuts me to the core. With every one of those instances my patience and my trust erodes. And if i say this is something that my son absolutely needs he will start questioning the whole concept of therapy and the credentials the therapist has. It is just endless.

So thank you again for responding. It has helped me frame how I feel about this.

[Anonymous]

4.5 years with this loser? Babe, don't waste any more time. This is not a quality guy. Alone is better than a lifetime shackled to this man child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

I had this thought about your post title, too. Who or what gave you the idea that your response to his behavior is grouchy or overly sensitive? That's really worth thinking about. This kind of self-doubt and not having solid expectations about how someone treats you means that you're at risk of being with someone who doesn't treat you well enough. I'm concerned about what you've described.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

Actually the responses have been very helpful. I was initially wondering if I was just being overly sensitive (even though my gut was telling me I was right), but this has really validated the fears I already had. I certainly have to think long and hard if this relationship is the right one for me and my son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

I had this thought about your post title, too. Who or what gave you the idea that your response to his behavior is grouchy or overly sensitive? That's really worth thinking about. This kind of self-doubt and not having solid expectations about how someone treats you means that you're at risk of being with someone who doesn't treat you well enough. I'm concerned about what you've described.

I guess my confidence isn’t what it should be. My initial reaction is always “who the hell does he think he is” but then I start to question my reaction and he starts to put on a guilt trip about “he is just trying to be sensible and frugal and what’s wrong with that.” I need to have more confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

Actually the responses have been very helpful. I was initially wondering if I was just being overly sensitive (even though my gut was telling me I was right), but this has really validated the fears I already had. I certainly have to think long and hard if this relationship is the right one for me and my son.

NO, YOU DO NOT!! YOU ALREADY F****ING KNOW!!!!!

WTF is the matter with you?!