Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

I had this thought about your post title, too. Who or what gave you the idea that your response to his behavior is grouchy or overly sensitive? That's really worth thinking about. This kind of self-doubt and not having solid expectations about how someone treats you means that you're at risk of being with someone who doesn't treat you well enough. I'm concerned about what you've described.

I guess my confidence isn’t what it should be. My initial reaction is always “who the hell does he think he is” but then I start to question my reaction and he starts to put on a guilt trip about “he is just trying to be sensible and frugal and what’s wrong with that.” I need to have more confidence.

What you need is more independence and less co-dependence.

[Anonymous]

Why would you even be with someone who doesn't like your son? Do you expect something to magically change once you get married?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think this relationship is abusive atm, but it has all the makings of an abusive relationship. And your self doubt leaves you really vulnerable. Your son too. I do think codependency is keeping you from really seeing how problematic this relationship is. You need some therapy for yourself too. TO understand why you feel this man improves your life though you have not been able to give us one reason or way he has been good for you.

[Anonymous]

He doesn’t respect you. If he did, he wouldn’t question you about how you spend your money. And marriages don’t work when their isn’t respect.

And OMG, I couldn’t spend the rest of my life defending and justifying my spending. So exhausting. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Previously single Mom here, please don't do this to yourself or your son! You both deserve so much love. You have gone on a rough road, please don't accept any man as your husband that doesn't shower the two of you in love. Trust me I dated a lot of frogs. My (new) husband deeply cares for us and even though he cares about money, our well being would Trump and money issue.

[Anonymous]

I don't think he's the guy for you. Keep looking. I mean STOP looking. I'm already over the way he treats your son and I don't even know him.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound like a strong, independent, capable, and totally together lady. You don't need to be hassled for the rest of your life about spending. I worry if you were to lose your job or become unable to work for some reason. This man will make your life (and your son's life) hell. If you enjoy his company other than the spending issue, just date him and leave it at that. Please don't make your relationship permanent especially for your son's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Previously single Mom here, please don't do this to yourself or your son! You both deserve so much love. You have gone on a rough road, please don't accept any man as your husband that doesn't shower the two of you in love. Trust me I dated a lot of frogs. My (new) husband deeply cares for us and even though he cares about money, our well being would Trump and money issue.

I don't think she feels comfortable being showered in love. I think she wants a mutually beneficial relationship. One where she doesn't feel threatened. I think love threatens her.

OP, you don't have to answer this, but do answer in your mind very honestly:

- Do you want to give your whole self to a man?
- Do you want a man to give his whole self to you?
- Do you want to thrive in companionship, trust, love, affection, and an intimate sexual relationship?

- Do you fear intimacy?
- Are you sabotaging your chances at true love because you're afraid of it or don't believe in it? Or don't think you're worthy?
- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your son more than you love your own fears of intimacy?

I'm dying here. I wish you were my friend/relative so I could help protect you from a huge mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously single Mom here, please don't do this to yourself or your son! You both deserve so much love. You have gone on a rough road, please don't accept any man as your husband that doesn't shower the two of you in love. Trust me I dated a lot of frogs. My (new) husband deeply cares for us and even though he cares about money, our well being would Trump and money issue.

I don't think she feels comfortable being showered in love. I think she wants a mutually beneficial relationship. One where she doesn't feel threatened. I think love threatens her.

OP, you don't have to answer this, but do answer in your mind very honestly:

- Do you want to give your whole self to a man?
- Do you want a man to give his whole self to you?
- Do you want to thrive in companionship, trust, love, affection, and an intimate sexual relationship?

- Do you fear intimacy?
- Are you sabotaging your chances at true love because you're afraid of it or don't believe in it? Or don't think you're worthy?
- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your son more than you love your own fears of intimacy?

I'm dying here. I wish you were my friend/relative so I could help protect you from a huge mistake.

I am genuinely curious why you don’t think I want love. Not being defensive at all. Just wondering what I said that made you think that.

I certainly want a fair amount of independence but I don’t think that comes at the expense of love. I do have problems with intimacy and trust. I’ll admit that. But what divorces person doesn’t.

I have come a long way in loving and forgiving myself but it is a work in progress.

[Anonymous]

Do NOT marry this person. You don't want someone who is controlling?. Once you're married, it will get worse.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry him.

[Anonymous]

This will not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not marry this person.

Plus 1,000,000,000

[Anonymous]

OP, he doesn't sound like a bad person, but he also doesn't sound like he is a good candidate for partnership.

the things in the few incidents you reported that stuck out for me:

--you lost 70 lbs! Great! instead of supporting you, he was criticizing the money YOU spent.

--you discussed getting rid of the treadmill not because you don't use it, but because you are making space for HIM. Instead of being grateful for your flexibility, he was criticizing the money YOU spent

--he views your son --or at least his needs--as a drain on resources. He may be kind and affectionate, but he will never understand what it means to truly put someone else first, will he? Were you planning on having more kids? I could not imagine any parenting decisions with him that would not be a huge headache

--the fact that he did not treat his own injury is very concerning--it suggests that his money issues are very deep and they won't be easily changed by setting boundaries. If anything, the process of getting married will likely exacerbate his anxieties and make things worse. Even if you keep money 'separate' there is no practical way to do that in a marriage for everything. Is he going to keep the house at 60 degrees? are you going to price out the lb of pasta you make for dinner? or make separate food? What about if you want to take a trip somewhere? fix a broken toilet? There are endless decisions that involve money and to have tension surrounding all of them would be a extremely difficult.

--the fact that he did not treat his own injury also makes me ask: can you really count on him in an emergency? If you or your son needed an ambulance, or the ER, would be hesitate because of the cost? figure you'll get better on your own? Not pay for the needed rx? And what would it be like to be married to someone who has the money to treat his medical issues but refuses? What does that mean for you if he gets really sick because he refuses to see the doctor--would YOU now be responsible?


I'm sorry, but I think you need to throw this one back in the ocean. He may be a well meaning person, but his issues make partnership really challenging.

[Anonymous]

OP to be totally blunt, why would you do this to your son? He is vulnerable and the odds of him being treated well by this man do not strike me as very high. Why would you put him through this?