Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Not treating an injury due to a $40 copay is severe - that goes beyond frugality. And the fact that he’s inflexible and conteolling about how you (very reasonably) spend your money...that’s not workable, especially when he’s unable it u willing to understand your perspective.

Merging households with this person will be a nightmare - for you, and especially for your son. If you want him in your life, then date him as long as you like, but don’t marry this man, or cohabitate with him (if you don’t already). There will be no peace in your home, no matter how strong and independent you are.

[Anonymous]

You make the injury thing sound like frugality, but it’s pretty clear to me that he’s mentally ill. That is not healthy/normal behavior. It’s either a symptom of stupidity or mental illnesss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You make the injury thing sound like frugality, but it’s pretty clear to me that he’s mentally ill. That is not healthy/normal behavior. It’s either a symptom of stupidity or mental illnesss.

I don't know if I would call that mental illness. This is the same thing as the teacher who balked at paying $120 for tamiflu then wound up dying from the flu. Her husband said she wouldn't buy the tamiflu " on principle ". She didn't sound mentally ill. It was just bad judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You make the injury thing sound like frugality, but it’s pretty clear to me that he’s mentally ill. That is not healthy/normal behavior. It’s either a symptom of stupidity or mental illnesss.

I don't know if I would call that mental illness. This is the same thing as the teacher who balked at paying $120 for tamiflu then wound up dying from the flu. Her husband said she wouldn't buy the tamiflu " on principle ". She didn't sound mentally ill. It was just bad judgement.

But sticking to a principle to your personal detriment for no good reason sounds unreasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. RED FLAG I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. RED FLAG He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. RED FLAG I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. RED FLAG I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. RED FLAG I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?" RED FLAG

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. RED FLAG He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. RED FLAG I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" RED FLAG I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that). RED FLAG

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

See all the red flags above. Take your post to a therapist and let them read it. I'd be shocked if they don't counsel you to do some serious thinking before you marry this guy.

I disagree. Buying a treadmill is wasteful when you have a gym in your building. If you’re burdened by therapy costs, why buy a $500 treadmill. OP may have a spending problem.

[Anonymous]

^ one personal splurge is not a spending problem and $500 is not a lot for a treadmill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ one personal splurge is not a spending problem and $500 is not a lot for a treadmill.

Right but you don’t know their finances. Maybe they don’t make a lot of money. You don’t know the full story. I just put my husband through law school. If he bought a $500 treadmill I’d go ape shit. Do I have a mental illness? No, I just paid almost 200k in tuition. I can’t afford a $500 treadmill!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ one personal splurge is not a spending problem and $500 is not a lot for a treadmill.

Right but you don’t know their finances. Maybe they don’t make a lot of money. You don’t know the full story. I just put my husband through law school. If he bought a $500 treadmill I’d go ape shit. Do I have a mental illness? No, I just paid almost 200k in tuition. I can’t afford a $500 treadmill!!

And yet OP says she makes more and they’re not married yet and have separate finances. It sounds like she had plenty of money for the expenses she deems appropriate and necessary for herself and her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. RED FLAG I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. RED FLAG He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. RED FLAG I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. RED FLAG I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. RED FLAG I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?" RED FLAG

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. RED FLAG He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. RED FLAG I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" RED FLAG I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that). RED FLAG

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

See all the red flags above. Take your post to a therapist and let them read it. I'd be shocked if they don't counsel you to do some serious thinking before you marry this guy.

I disagree. Buying a treadmill is wasteful when you have a gym in your building. If you’re burdened by therapy costs, why buy a $500 treadmill. OP may have a spending problem.

No it's not, especially if you aren't going to take advantage of the gym. She took advantage of the treadmill and lost a huge amount of weight while not having to worry about leaving her son unsupervised so it was worth it to her. The treadmill purchase wasn't a sign of overspending, it was a sign of knowing herself well enough to know what would work for her.

[Anonymous]

I know there is a lot of hyperbole and drama in DCUM responses, but I am a very normal person telling you to please not marry this guy. He doesn't care about your son, he doesn't respect your judgement and the clearly responsible way you are raising him and prioritizing your spending. Just so you know, THIS (right now in your relationship) is likely to be as good as it gets. Once you are married, he is going to feel even more entitled to weigh in even more so brace yourself for more lack of trust, more judgement and more of you having to defend your son to him. Please exit now. You sound smart and pulled together. You can do much, much better.

[Anonymous]

Have you discussed keeping separate or a joint bank account with your future spouse, concerning a mutual agreement? As far as therapy goes for your child, keep on going and explain to your fiancé that yes it's working. Take Care and God Bless!

[Anonymous]

Am I missing something here? Why exactly are you going to marry this guy? I think there are some red flags here. He is not going to change and this will only get worse. I wouldn’t touch this guy with a ten foot pole. Run, OP, while you still can.

[Anonymous]

Op, you still have t told us what positives he brings to your life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. RED FLAG I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. RED FLAG He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. RED FLAG I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. RED FLAG I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. RED FLAG I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?" RED FLAG

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. RED FLAG He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. RED FLAG I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" RED FLAG I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that). RED FLAG

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

See all the red flags above. Take your post to a therapist and let them read it. I'd be shocked if they don't counsel you to do some serious thinking before you marry this guy.

I disagree. Buying a treadmill is wasteful when you have a gym in your building. If you’re burdened by therapy costs, why buy a $500 treadmill. OP may have a spending problem.

I do not have a spending problem. I am a single mom who could not leave her son alone in the apartment to go exercise. I exercised when he went to bed so that I would not miss on any time with him. The treadmill more than paid for itself over the last two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. RED FLAG I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. RED FLAG He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. RED FLAG I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. RED FLAG I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. RED FLAG I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?" RED FLAG

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. RED FLAG He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. RED FLAG I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" RED FLAG I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that). RED FLAG

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

See all the red flags above. Take your post to a therapist and let them read it. I'd be shocked if they don't counsel you to do some serious thinking before you marry this guy.

I disagree. Buying a treadmill is wasteful when you have a gym in your building. If you’re burdened by therapy costs, why buy a $500 treadmill. OP may have a spending problem.

No it's not, especially if you aren't going to take advantage of the gym. She took advantage of the treadmill and lost a huge amount of weight while not having to worry about leaving her son unsupervised so it was worth it to her. The treadmill purchase wasn't a sign of overspending, it was a sign of knowing herself well enough to know what would work for her.

Thank you. As I said before, the treadmill was used every day since the day I bought it. I got healthy as a result. It cost $20/month on average. I think it was money very well spent.