Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost 70 pounds. Does he appreciate that? Does he treat you better? If no, time for a new relationship.

My DH doesn't believe in psychologists and psychiatrists nor speech therapists. He gave me a lot of pushback, and it wasn't about the cost but time and effort wasted. My son needs speech therapy and it was a struggle to get him on board with that too. He's an engineer so has a logical mind, but he sure has some beliefs that I don't share. I have no doubt he loves me and our son, so this is an example I want to share with OP that maybe he simply does not believe in your son's therapy.

With that said, it does sound like you guys are going to have a lot of issues about who pays for what. Are you the only one going to pay for your kid's daycare or school costs, his food, his clothing, his activities, his toys? If yes, then yeah, he doesn't care about your son.

He didn't come out and say that he doesn't believe in therapy. The reason I viewed his behavior as passive aggressive is that he doesn't just come out and say "I think it's stupid that you're spending money on therapy." To me, that would be a more honest way, but he is smart enough to know that I would not take that well. He says about 50 other things, such as how much is it, do you really have to go once a week, when will you know if it's working, have you talked to the therapist to check on his progress, what is the incentive for the doctor to stop the therapy, and on and on and on. Coupled with his other remarks about doctors, I know what those questions mean.

I flat out asked him the other night if he thinks that therapy for my son was a waste of money and he gave me "I guess you know him better than I do and if you say he needs it, he needs it." but then immediately after that he got pissy and started saying how he is going to invest some of his money into a property in Baltimore and that would take him away on the weekends. And just like I don't like for him to micromanage my money, he doesn't like for me to micromanage his time. Mind you, I have never said anything about him investing in this property because this was the first time he told me about it.

I told him we need to have some serious conversations about expectations before we get married and that I didn't like the tit for tat nonsense.

My DH is the same way- never says what he means, instead beats around the bush with a million questions/comments. It feels like an interrogation. He thinks he’s a genius manipulator and doesn’t realize everyone sees right through it. He is also tit for tat and throws tantrums when I don’t fall for his tactics.

I’d get out if I were you. Your child should be your top priority and if he can’t get on board with having a healthy relationship, he needs to go. He’s setting a bar example for your son. Boys learn how to behave from the men in their life- my DH acts exactly like his own father. Plus the stress of living in a home with conflict isn’t good for him. He’s going to feel guilty about his therapy sessions if they are causing conflict.

Not to mention the amount of stress on you. It’s easy to put up with that crap early on, but within a few years you’ll be sick of it and the bad will far outweigh the good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Why would investing in property take him away?! Sorry but you guys don't sound like a functional couple.

You can do better. Getting someone medicine when they are sick and enjoying the same activities is the bare minimum for a relationship, not a reason to get married.

I would also hate his passive aggressive yet judgmental approach. Especially concerning my child,!!!!

He is buying it to flip it and wants to do the work himself. That is why. I doubt he would do it. He is just trying to prove a point in an argument.

Why would people who are about to be married be having so many unpleasant arguments? This is not a healthy, joyful relationship.
Honestly why should your kid have to sit there and watch you two argue? It’s just going to get worse when he moves in and it will be terrible for your son.
Only an idiot would marry this man or even let him live at your house . It’s not good for your son and it doesn’t matter that sometimes he’s nice to you. You’re being a huge fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

x 2. And he challenges parenting choices. Big red flag. I don’t think I’d continue with the marriage. Have you ever been married OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you still have t told us what positives he brings to your life

In other ways he is extremely attentive and caring. When I am sick he is by my side getting me medicine and helping out. We do laugh a lot and enjoy similar things.

And those characteristics will be challenged by a marriage ripe for contempt that will grow, that is already present in both of you. You can have the plus of this caring attentiveness in hires house help for less. And friendships. Marriage is a game changer. I suspect this guy is an immature, controlling mooch - if you marry him, things will get worse. If you need counseling before marriage, you have better odds starting over with someone else. Sorry OP I know that’s tough to hear and think of, but you’re on the road to signing a contract for life with someone whom you already have friction over a huge source of problems: finances, child, health. Not to mention a flippant attitude towards the things you’re doing to transform positively, that he doesn’t see value in it means he likely won’t see value in being transformative and growing in other necessary areas together as a couple later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You lost 70 pounds. Does he appreciate that? Does he treat you better? If no, time for a new relationship.

My DH doesn't believe in psychologists and psychiatrists nor speech therapists. He gave me a lot of pushback, and it wasn't about the cost but time and effort wasted. My son needs speech therapy and it was a struggle to get him on board with that too. He's an engineer so has a logical mind, but he sure has some beliefs that I don't share. I have no doubt he loves me and our son, so this is an example I want to share with OP that maybe he simply does not believe in your son's therapy.

With that said, it does sound like you guys are going to have a lot of issues about who pays for what. Are you the only one going to pay for your kid's daycare or school costs, his food, his clothing, his activities, his toys? If yes, then yeah, he doesn't care about your son.

He didn't come out and say that he doesn't believe in therapy. The reason I viewed his behavior as passive aggressive is that he doesn't just come out and say "I think it's stupid that you're spending money on therapy." To me, that would be a more honest way, but he is smart enough to know that I would not take that well. He says about 50 other things, such as how much is it, do you really have to go once a week, when will you know if it's working, have you talked to the therapist to check on his progress, what is the incentive for the doctor to stop the therapy, and on and on and on. Coupled with his other remarks about doctors, I know what those questions mean.

I flat out asked him the other night if he thinks that therapy for my son was a waste of money and he gave me "I guess you know him better than I do and if you say he needs it, he needs it." but then immediately after that he got pissy and started saying how he is going to invest some of his money into a property in Baltimore and that would take him away on the weekends. And just like I don't like for him to micromanage my money, he doesn't like for me to micromanage his time. Mind you, I have never said anything about him investing in this property because this was the first time he told me about it.

I told him we need to have some serious conversations about expectations before we get married and that I didn't like the tit for tat nonsense.

OP, I am flummoxed by your ongoing choice to stay in this relationship and by your apparent belief that you can fix this through some "serious conversations about expectations." This man is showing you who he is. He is not respectful of you or your son. He is not supportive of your parenting, or of your son.

You sound like a loving mother who has her act together in parenting and in life. He is not going to support you in ways to help you maintain healthy habits for you and your son.

I have been married for 20+ years to a passive-aggressive micromanager whose communications style is similar to that of your fiancé. It is a very difficult road. I cannot imagine doing it with someone who questions my choices for my OWN CHILD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, after you've read all of these responses and have given us more info, I am all the more worried about your original posting title, "Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?"

That you don't know how to gauge this situation is very concerning to me. You have a son and an obligation to him, and to yourself, to live the best life. You know very well this guy is the wrong guy for you, yet you're convincing yourself to settle because he has some good qualities. Those good qualities won't override the hell your son is in for if you go forward with this relationship. You've spent long enough in it.

I had this thought about your post title, too. Who or what gave you the idea that your response to his behavior is grouchy or overly sensitive? That's really worth thinking about. This kind of self-doubt and not having solid expectations about how someone treats you means that you're at risk of being with someone who doesn't treat you well enough. I'm concerned about what you've described.

I guess my confidence isn’t what it should be. My initial reaction is always “who the hell does he think he is” but then I start to question my reaction and he starts to put on a guilt trip about “he is just trying to be sensible and frugal and what’s wrong with that.” I need to have more confidence.

What you need is more independence and less co-dependence.

X 2

Fix yo self! Said with lots of love. Start individual counseling it will help with your self image. And congrats on losing 70lbs as a single mom that is no small feat! Now keep up the good work and become (emotionally, mentally) healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Previously single Mom here, please don't do this to yourself or your son! You both deserve so much love. You have gone on a rough road, please don't accept any man as your husband that doesn't shower the two of you in love. Trust me I dated a lot of frogs. My (new) husband deeply cares for us and even though he cares about money, our well being would Trump and money issue.

I don't think she feels comfortable being showered in love. I think she wants a mutually beneficial relationship. One where she doesn't feel threatened. I think love threatens her.

OP, you don't have to answer this, but do answer in your mind very honestly:

- Do you want to give your whole self to a man?
- Do you want a man to give his whole self to you?
- Do you want to thrive in companionship, trust, love, affection, and an intimate sexual relationship?

- Do you fear intimacy?
- Are you sabotaging your chances at true love because you're afraid of it or don't believe in it? Or don't think you're worthy?
- Do you love yourself?
- Do you love your son more than you love your own fears of intimacy?

I'm dying here. I wish you were my friend/relative so I could help protect you from a huge mistake.

I am genuinely curious why you don’t think I want love. Not being defensive at all. Just wondering what I said that made you think that.

I certainly want a fair amount of independence but I don’t think that comes at the expense of love. I do have problems with intimacy and trust. I’ll admit that. But what divorces person doesn’t.

I have come a long way in loving and forgiving myself but it is a work in progress.

People who heal. The divorced people who heal don’t have issues that’s blind them. See the thread about the woman devastated about her 2nd divorce.

HEAL!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are getting some great advice here. It sounds like you are "settling" for this guy. Don't do it. Move on.


Side note question. What kind of treadmill did you get? I would love to lose 70 lbs.

If you decide to get rid of it (the treadmill) please post back, I'm short on funds and would love to take it of your hands. But it sounds like you need to get rid of the guy and keep the treadmill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are getting some great advice here. It sounds like you are "settling" for this guy. Don't do it. Move on.


Side note question. What kind of treadmill did you get? I would love to lose 70 lbs.

If you decide to get rid of it (the treadmill) please post back, I'm short on funds and would love to take it of your hands. But it sounds like you need to get rid of the guy and keep the treadmill.

I got an Ancheers one from Amazon. It took about 20 minutes to assemble. It's not the best quality but it got the job done.

I already gave it away or I would definitely give it to you.

[Anonymous]

He's controlling. Whether it's over finances is irrelevant. How you organize your finances is irrelevant. He wants to control your behavior.

[Anonymous]

DP, but agree with this. ^^^

[Anonymous]

I am genuinely curious why you don’t think I want love. Not being defensive at all. Just wondering what I said that made you think that.

I certainly want a fair amount of independence but I don’t think that comes at the expense of love. I do have problems with intimacy and trust. I’ll admit that. But what divorces person doesn’t.

I have come a long way in loving and forgiving myself but it is a work in progress.

People who heal. The divorced people who heal don’t have issues that’s blind them. See the thread about the woman devastated about her 2nd divorce.

HEAL!

+1000

My husband and I were both married before. We healed and have NO issues with intimacy and trust. Please get to that point yourself before you marry again.