Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?"

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that).

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

[Anonymous]

I married someone like this. You're in for a LONG road. There will be many fights over money even if you keep finances separate. Every purchase I make is questioned, even if it's out of "my" money. I don't know that I would choose this again because there's always something to fight/bicker about. I have some serious health issues and the doctor I see charges a $300 yearly fee on top of the copay, but this doctor has helped me much more than the others I've seen that don't charge an extra fee. DH makes me pay the fee out of "my" money and also questions whether it's really working or if it's something that I'm just attributing to this doctor when any doctor could have gotten the same results. It's incredibly frustrating on a daily basis. Think long and hard, especially with a kid involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?"

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that).

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

I don't think I would be marrying this guy. Sounds like a big loser.

[Anonymous]

Um, I hate to break it to you, but the title of your post makes it sound like you had a spat with your SO over one thing that was said. In reality, you have a major issue going on between you and your fiance. He doesn't want to pay for your son's (not his son, I gather) therapy and you think this will somehow go away? It sounds like you've had problems/issues with money between you two from the get go. What makes you think it's going to get any better when you get married? I'm sorry, but anyone reading this would see a ton of red flags for this marriage. Do you really not see that?

[Anonymous]

You need to meet with a therapist with HIM and discuss this. You are both ignoring issues. This is a huge red flag and just because you think you aren't merging what will it look like when the roof falls in and he says hmm - I kind of like the light? What if you lose your job and your son still needs this therapy or whatever - do you really want this man deciding what to spend money on. Sounds like your values are hugely different and you need to be open now and set up a true financial plan as you are bringing your son into this: red flags and warning signs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married someone like this. You're in for a LONG road. There will be many fights over money even if you keep finances separate. Every purchase I make is questioned, even if it's out of "my" money. I don't know that I would choose this again because there's always something to fight/bicker about. I have some serious health issues and the doctor I see charges a $300 yearly fee on top of the copay, but this doctor has helped me much more than the others I've seen that don't charge an extra fee. DH makes me pay the fee out of "my" money and also questions whether it's really working or if it's something that I'm just attributing to this doctor when any doctor could have gotten the same results. It's incredibly frustrating on a daily basis. Think long and hard, especially with a kid involved.

This is exactly what I’m worried about. I know he is not going to change and neither will I.

[Anonymous]

I could not marry this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My fiance is very frugal with money. I get that. I am a woman who believes in paying for myself when I'm on dates so I always have. It used to bug the heck out of me when he would ask me to share something every time we went out even though he knew I would pay for myself. RED FLAG I just want to be able to have a nice meal and get what I want to get without worrying if he is also going to like what I'm getting. RED FLAG He harped and harped on me buying a $500 treadmill. RED FLAG I lost 70 lbs and used the thing every day for the past 2 years. Now I'm trying to make room for him to move in after we get married so I mentioned getting rid of it to make room for his stuff. He, again mentioned that I could have just used the gym in the building and it's a shame. RED FLAG I would have never lost the weight and gotten in shape because I couldn't leave my son alone at home.

Fast forward to now, my son is in therapy once a week. Therapy is working and he very much needed it. It's not easy for me to afford it but I know my son really needs this so I'm sucking it up. He hasn't come out and openly said it's a waste of money, but I know enough about him to know that's what he is thinking. RED FLAG I just texted him to say the therapist asked if we could come in today instead of our regular Thursday this week so that what I'm doing tonight. His response was "oh, do you think you should skip this week since you were just there Thursday?" RED FLAG

I already told him that we are not merging out money when we get married. I know this will be a great cause of friction. RED FLAG He still lives like a 20 year old and just doesn't spend money on anything other than food. RED FLAG I just need to make sure I'm not being overly sensitive. He makes little comments like "when will he be done with therapy? How do you know it's working?" RED FLAG I just need him to not manage my money for me. I have made it 40 years just fine on my own (no support from parents whatsoever) and I don't need a daddy (he gets very hurt when I say that). RED FLAG

OK I realize I sound ridiculous too, but writing this out made me feel better.

See all the red flags above. Take your post to a therapist and let them read it. I'd be shocked if they don't counsel you to do some serious thinking before you marry this guy.

[Anonymous]

This doesn't sound ridiculous. I think this is just going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry.

I would reconsider this whole relationship - especially because a child is involved.

Frugal/cheap - whatever you want to call it and the behavior displayed by your fiance are not the same thing.

I normally wouldn't say this because it's impending and maybe you're in happy land - but in all good conscious - because you have a child - I will say PLEASE have pre-marital counseling or something to make sure you're on the same page - in LIFE.

[Anonymous]

Don't marry this guy.

You're correct to avoid merging money...but that's a big flag in and of itself. Happily married people with healthy relationships don't have these issues. These issues will only get worse when you are living together.

[Anonymous]

My biggest issue with this ... The way he is treating your son. Your man / future husband should be your number 1 fan and eapecially a huge fan and support of your son. He sounds nothing like it. He should be asking questions on his improvement and how HE can help at home.

The whole money issue is a pain it sounds like.

Don’t marry this man! I can’t imagine doing this to my son if i were you. Mark my words. Your sons and your relationship will never be the same.

Find someone who ADORES you and your son! This joker is not the one. It sounds like you have your doubts already. Trust your gut! Run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

OP here. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do feel disrespected. I feel that we can certainly budget for things together and plan and I told him as much, but his comments and constant passive aggressiveness about what I spend money on is really taking a toll.

I know my post was all over he place but it was as if I was just articulating how I feel about this. And I know these are definitely red flags, of course, but can we work though them and set up some boundaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.