Is this passive aggressive or am I being super grouchy and sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry.

I would reconsider this whole relationship - especially because a child is involved.

Frugal/cheap - whatever you want to call it and the behavior displayed by your fiance are not the same thing.

I normally wouldn't say this because it's impending and maybe you're in happy land - but in all good conscious - because you have a child - I will say PLEASE have pre-marital counseling or something to make sure you're on the same page - in LIFE.

I do love him and would like to work on our issues but I’m going in with eyes wide open. I’m not so goo goo eyes that I can’t see we have some major issues. I also would like to marry again but I’m not desperate to marry again if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

OP here. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do feel disrespected. I feel that we can certainly budget for things together and plan and I told him as much, but his comments and constant passive aggressiveness about what I spend money on is really taking a toll.

I know my post was all over he place but it was as if I was just articulating how I feel about this. And I know these are definitely red flags, of course, but can we work though them and set up some boundaries?

You can work through stuff with someone who respects you. But you're admitting he doesn't. Do you honestly think that will change.

And I agree with what another PP said about how resentful he seems to be about money that is spent on your son. He doesn't seem like he understands adult/parent responsibilities. And he doesn't seem willing to change/learn.

And he doesn't respect you. Why are you marrying this man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry.

I would reconsider this whole relationship - especially because a child is involved.

Frugal/cheap - whatever you want to call it and the behavior displayed by your fiance are not the same thing.

I normally wouldn't say this because it's impending and maybe you're in happy land - but in all good conscious - because you have a child - I will say PLEASE have pre-marital counseling or something to make sure you're on the same page - in LIFE.

I do love him and would like to work on our issues but I’m going in with eyes wide open. I’m not so goo goo eyes that I can’t see we have some major issues. I also would like to marry again but I’m not desperate to marry again if that makes sense.

Just remember, a bad marriage is worse than being single. And the trauma of a bad marriage on a child is...immeasurable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have separate finances and he is definitely more of a saver than me, and I am more so the spender. We respect and trust each other though, and we don’t question the others’ decisions. It doesn’t sound like he trusts you and he wants to micromanage you. That’s a problem for me. It would be one thing if you were truly frivolous but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

OP here. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do feel disrespected. I feel that we can certainly budget for things together and plan and I told him as much, but his comments and constant passive aggressiveness about what I spend money on is really taking a toll.

I know my post was all over he place but it was as if I was just articulating how I feel about this. And I know these are definitely red flags, of course, but can we work though them and set up some boundaries?

Does he see a problem with the way he treats you? If not, no, that's not something you can work through. If he gets that it's not a healthy dynamic and is willing to work on it, then maybe you can.

But here's the thing. There are lots of people you may need to set up boundaries with -- extended family, neighbors, bosses, co-workers, friends -- but one person with whom you really shouldn't have to grapple with this is a spouse/fiance. The person you're marrying should be someone who respects you and your needs/preferences enough that they don't trample all over you because they don't *want* to trample all over you. They should want you to feel comfortable, happy and secure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I have separate finances and he is definitely more of a saver than me, and I am more so the spender. We respect and trust each other though, and we don’t question the others’ decisions. It doesn’t sound like he trusts you and he wants to micromanage you. That’s a problem for me. It would be one thing if you were truly frivolous but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

Yup, you got it. He tries to micromanage me which irritates the heck out of me. He views is at being helpful and I view it as being controlling honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

OP here. I think you hit the nail on the head. I really do feel disrespected. I feel that we can certainly budget for things together and plan and I told him as much, but his comments and constant passive aggressiveness about what I spend money on is really taking a toll.

I know my post was all over he place but it was as if I was just articulating how I feel about this. And I know these are definitely red flags, of course, but can we work though them and set up some boundaries?

Does he see a problem with the way he treats you? If not, no, that's not something you can work through. If he gets that it's not a healthy dynamic and is willing to work on it, then maybe you can.

But here's the thing. There are lots of people you may need to set up boundaries with -- extended family, neighbors, bosses, co-workers, friends -- but one person with whom you really shouldn't have to grapple with this is a spouse/fiance. The person you're marrying should be someone who respects you and your needs/preferences enough that they don't trample all over you because they don't *want* to trample all over you. They should want you to feel comfortable, happy and secure.

So far he sees nothing wrong with this which is a huge problem. And I agree that I shouldn’t have to justify myself like this especially when it comes to health issues.

[Anonymous]

What are his redeeming qualities, if any?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I've been happily married for 30 years. Do not marry this guy. Money is the most common reason for divorce. The fact that you even feel the need to keep your finances separate is concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:40 again. The core issue isn't that he's frugal. It's that he doesn't respect your decision making -- he doesn't respect YOU. Really consider if this is a relationship you can maintain.

This, this, this. You lost 70 pounds on that treadmill and he still questions whether you should have bought it? That's not someone who cares about your health. Your son needs therapy, the therapy has been productive, and he still questions whether you should spend money on it? That's not someone who cares about your child's well-being.

I would think very hard about whether this is someone you want to marry. If he doesn't care about your well-being or your son's already, he's not going to start after you get married.

I know it will sound like I’m defending him but he also had a major injury at work last year and didn’t really get it treated because of money. He had the money. He just felt it was ridiculous to spend $40 on a coppay for PT. So he obviously loves himself and still doesn’t treat his medical issues. This is a matter of money being security for him and him not seeing that living costs money. I don’t think it is a matter of him not loving us.

Then he needs to get some counseling for himself, because that's unhealthy. An untreated injury that doesn't heal properly can become a life-long issue that burdens not just him but those around him as well. Loving himself and you would mean getting the treatment he needs. If he can't bring himself to spend money he has to take proper care of himself, he's not an emotionally healthy person.

And if he doesn't get that, your relationship issues will never be resolved. Even with separate finances, you will fight about money. It will be about where you live, what kinds of vacations you take, how much of an emergency fund you keep, who pays which bills (down to if you need high-speed internet for work and he'd be fine with the slowest/cheapest option, what's your relative share of the bill when he doesn't want to pay for your extra speed), what your retirement funds look like, etc. Even if your son's clothing comes from your bank account, he will be critical of how much you spend because he'll know that spending less would mean you two would collectively have more for something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are his redeeming qualities, if any?

He has a lot, which is why we are engaged.

I’ll give one example. He has an elderly neighbor who he helps out occasionally (checks in on and helps with groceries). She called him last night at 11 and said she wanted a sandwich. I would have said “I can’t” but he didn’t hesitate and went to get her a sandwich

[Anonymous]

Consider what you need from him--a specific, concrete ask. Keep it relatively short, but let him know how you feel about this and what you need.

Give him some time and a few chances, and if he can't do it, end it and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider what you need from him--a specific, concrete ask. Keep it relatively short, but let him know how you feel about this and what you need.

Give him some time and a few chances, and if he can't do it, end it and move on.

This is a great idea. I have to think how to articulate this without getting upset or angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are his redeeming qualities, if any?

He has a lot, which is why we are engaged.

I’ll give one example. He has an elderly neighbor who he helps out occasionally (checks in on and helps with groceries). She called him last night at 11 and said she wanted a sandwich. I would have said “I can’t” but he didn’t hesitate and went to get her a sandwich

He can be a good neighbor and still not be a good fiance. Those are two very different roles.

How is he a good guy to you? To your son?