Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

Never been to couples counseling, but plenty of individual therapists. The good ones ask about your goals, provide guidance and call you out on your BS.

But there are lots of bad therapists. One I went to for personal relationships reasons, told me I had deal with my mother issues. I had dealt with parental stuff with previous therapists and made peace with the mother I have. We have a relationship that works for us.

But this crazy therapists kept telling me that since she dealt with her own mother by doing X, I also had to do the same. And she was such a success because as a woman in her 60’s she was dating a man in his 20’s.

Ugh, kept pushing her agenda and bragging about her life. Never went back to her again.

[Anonymous]

1. A friend's marriage counselor stole her husband. The counselor and ex-DH eventually married.

2. My marriage counselor took my DW's side and then banged her. I'm divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

It’s not a matter of judging or saying what is right or wrong. BUT if you are paying money it would common sense to point out that if they keep cheating ie the reason the two people are sitting there. That the marriage was is over. All you are saying is buy a book or pay a lawyer because paying a counselor is pointless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. A friend's marriage counselor stole her husband. The counselor and ex-DH eventually married.

2. My marriage counselor took my DW's side and then banged her. I'm divorced now.

Wow!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

It's okay to cut to the chase and tell someone that they are in the wrong. Seriously, it's not conduct not conducive to a relationship and the reason why the couple is sitting there. If the person thinks it's fine to cheat or cannot commit to a few ground rules, then it's a waste of time for the other partner.

If you are a therapist please, for the sake of all that's good, be direct. I have no idea why refusing to call out terrible behavior by an abuser is such an issue. If you can't provide a simple suggestion, then you are an ineffective waste of money and time.

People may disagree with me, but I’m of the mind that -for the most part- cheating does not happen in a vacuum. So, while that may be the straw that broke the camel’s back and why the couple is physically sitting there, I don’t agree that it’s productive to focus on calling one person out (which is why most don’t). There were likely years of issues and poor communication leading up to the decision to cheat, and that’s what needs to be explored. Again, the therapist isn’t there to validate your feelings.

Of course it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. I asked my ex to lie and cheat and it’s all my fault.
Oh and I have yet to come across a counsellor that has said stop coming to see me.

[Anonymous]

There are good therapists out there. My ex was having an affair, but refused to admit it or discuss it in therapy. He denied, denied, denied, and turned it around and wanted to focus our therapy sessions on why all the trust had gone from our marriage.... like it was just something that happened without any reason. He wanted to talk about everything he thought was wrong with me that made him unhappy. I was clear with the therapist that I knew he was having at least an emotional affair with a coworker, but he refused to discuss it. After a half dozen sessions or so, she told me that it would be unethical to keep seeing us as a couple because she found my ex's actions emotionally abusive towards me and she couldn't be a part of that.

So yeah.... there are some good ones. Marriage counseling ONLY has a chance of working if the affair is ended, no contact, full stop. No exceptions. Even then it's not guaranteed, but if the affair is ongoing you mit as well flush the money down the toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a list on here because I am not seeing a lot of success stories?

My wife had an affair and we went to see Dr. Sarah Hedlund and I regret every minute of it. I thought that the point was to stop the affair and improve the marriage, but I was in for a huge surprise. We were pretty much there to make my wife feel better about herself. At no point did she even suggest to stop contact. In fact, during the first session she said this: "It's perfectly normal to feel like you want to see him again and you probably will." After that, the Dr. was surprised to learn that my wife continued contact after three months of therapy.

If you are an expert on affairs then knowing how to read a cheater would be a necessary skill. This is only second to ending affairs. That was clearly not the focus.


If you have a cheating spouse don't waste your time with a therapist unless you know who you are dealing with. I get the feeling that folks usually attend because they have to and the therapist is just there to make an easy buck. Sometimes it's even required before a divorce, so it's just a way for a spouse that cheated to torment their partners.


Seriously, don't fall for it.

That entire industry is a joke. Often they have worse problems. If someone won't change, is hurting you it's clearly time to get out. Why waste time and money on someone that will either tell you otherwise, or tell you to get out. REALLY???

At the end of the day getting a psychology degree is a joke. They don't know anymore than you do. For some weird reason this town thinks it's really CHIC to go to a "therapist"...AKA Tom Foolery!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are good therapists out there. My ex was having an affair, but refused to admit it or discuss it in therapy. He denied, denied, denied, and turned it around and wanted to focus our therapy sessions on why all the trust had gone from our marriage.... like it was just something that happened without any reason. He wanted to talk about everything he thought was wrong with me that made him unhappy. I was clear with the therapist that I knew he was having at least an emotional affair with a coworker, but he refused to discuss it. After a half dozen sessions or so, she told me that it would be unethical to keep seeing us as a couple because she found my ex's actions emotionally abusive towards me and she couldn't be a part of that.

So yeah.... there are some good ones. Marriage counseling ONLY has a chance of working if the affair is ended, no contact, full stop. No exceptions. Even then it's not guaranteed, but if the affair is ongoing you mit as well flush the money down the toilet.

Come on admit it. It gave you a reason to not end the marriage. You got to hear his fake "I'm sorry", he walked the walk and did his penance so you wouldn't leave and get 1/2 the assets and child support.

It's done for now until the next one. He'll just be smarter next time. And you're still in a dysfunctional relationship with a creep. Yet going to a therapist will keep you in that cycle because you can tell everyone it's helped and he's changed....meaning..waste of your life and time..

[Anonymous]

To be clear, I have an awesome individual therapist. Marriage therapist, however, are a waste. I don't think it's something that lots of therapist do very well, but it's lucrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a list on here because I am not seeing a lot of success stories?

My wife had an affair and we went to see Dr. Sarah Hedlund and I regret every minute of it. I thought that the point was to stop the affair and improve the marriage, but I was in for a huge surprise. We were pretty much there to make my wife feel better about herself. At no point did she even suggest to stop contact. In fact, during the first session she said this: "It's perfectly normal to feel like you want to see him again and you probably will." After that, the Dr. was surprised to learn that my wife continued contact after three months of therapy.

If you are an expert on affairs then knowing how to read a cheater would be a necessary skill. This is only second to ending affairs. That was clearly not the focus.


If you have a cheating spouse don't waste your time with a therapist unless you know who you are dealing with. I get the feeling that folks usually attend because they have to and the therapist is just there to make an easy buck. Sometimes it's even required before a divorce, so it's just a way for a spouse that cheated to torment their partners.


Seriously, don't fall for it.

Yes, that's pretty much it. I've yet to hear a success story from anyone I know about marriage counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
There are good therapists out there. My ex was having an affair, but refused to admit it or discuss it in therapy. He denied, denied, denied, and turned it around and wanted to focus our therapy sessions on why all the trust had gone from our marriage.... like it was just something that happened without any reason. He wanted to talk about everything he thought was wrong with me that made him unhappy. I was clear with the therapist that I knew he was having at least an emotional affair with a coworker, but he refused to discuss it. After a half dozen sessions or so, she told me that it would be unethical to keep seeing us as a couple because she found my ex's actions emotionally abusive towards me and she couldn't be a part of that.

So yeah.... there are some good ones. Marriage counseling ONLY has a chance of working if the affair is ended, no contact, full stop. No exceptions. Even then it's not guaranteed, but if the affair is ongoing you mit as well flush the money down the toilet.


Come on admit it. It gave you a reason to not end the marriage. You got to hear his fake "I'm sorry", he walked the walk and did his penance so you wouldn't leave and get 1/2 the assets and child support.

It's done for now until the next one. He'll just be smarter next time. And you're still in a dysfunctional relationship with a creep. Yet going to a therapist will keep you in that cycle because you can tell everyone it's helped and he's changed....meaning..waste of your life and time..
[Report Post]

Pp here. Wow, did you even read my post before responding? He's my EX husband, as I mentioned several times. I left him, divorce is final.

Try reading and absorbing what people are saying before you formulate your response. Being obtuse is not a good look.

[Anonymous]

The entire point was you wasted time with him and still ended up the same. Yes I read!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are good therapists out there. My ex was having an affair, but refused to admit it or discuss it in therapy. He denied, denied, denied, and turned it around and wanted to focus our therapy sessions on why all the trust had gone from our marriage.... like it was just something that happened without any reason. He wanted to talk about everything he thought was wrong with me that made him unhappy. I was clear with the therapist that I knew he was having at least an emotional affair with a coworker, but he refused to discuss it. After a half dozen sessions or so, she told me that it would be unethical to keep seeing us as a couple because she found my ex's actions emotionally abusive towards me and she couldn't be a part of that.

So yeah.... there are some good ones. Marriage counseling ONLY has a chance of working if the affair is ended, no contact, full stop. No exceptions. Even then it's not guaranteed, but if the affair is ongoing you mit as well flush the money down the toilet.

My DH had an emotional affair but wouldn't even cop to that (and yes, there was proof he never physically cheated). And when he complained in therapy that he thought I should trust him, our therapist - who was a confrontational guy, rather than a soothing "I'm okay, you're okay" person, practically shouted at him, "You had an AFFAIR! Why should she believe anything you say?" It was awesome. To be clear, that was the early part of therapy. As our therapist told us, all relationships have issues. However, having an affair is throwing a bomb into a marriage, and nothing else can be dealt with until you deal with that fallout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were looking for someone to tell your wife not to cheat, you went to the wrong place. Your wife had to make that choice herself. Therapists don't judge (outwardly) and they don't tell people what to do. The goal of therapy is to identify the problems in your marriage and help you solve them.

Incorrect. The goal in therapy is to milk the client and their insurer as much as possible.

As for shitty ones, well, I won't name her but she's ancient and in Old Town and everyone knows her. She blamed me for my wife's affair and had the gaul to send me harassing texts for not continuing to use her services after I explained that I had no intention of listening to someone blame me for my wife sucking her coworker's cock. I point blank asked to condemn infidelity and she sat there, silent, with a smirk on her face staring me right in the eye.

Best.Thread.Ever.



Sorry for your pain though , PP.

[Anonymous]

Couples in counseling should be honestly and sincerely interested in how they got into the situation they are in. If they are looking for individual validation or revenge then it's a waste of time. The inability of (mostly women) to own responsibility for whatever failures they brought to the situation hinders true companionship.