Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

I had a therapist tell us we were both abusive (untrue) and barely skimmed the surface of new cheating revelations. Smh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

When I confronted her and asked her why we were talking about me and not his violent temper, she point blank told me that she felt that people come to counseling to save relationships, and it was (therefore) her job to help me figure out how to find a way to adjust to my ex's abuse because that was the only way to stay in that relationship.

I swore off couples counseling after that. I firmly believe that in most cases the only therapy needed is individual. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to find individual therapists, OP. You each need to work out your feelings on your own. You are rightfully furious at this infidelity, but you'll never recover from the betrayal if you don't work through your emotions about it. And your wife needs to find a way through her shame so she can take authentic responsibility for what she's done. Neither of these things can be done in couples counseling.

In the meantime, read "Not Just Friends," by Barbara Glass. It will help.

Does he work in the White House now by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

I didn’t get horrible from that. What I got was ‘This marriage can’t be saved’. The guy had checked out of the marriage years ago and wasn’t checking back in - what are you going to do? At least she didn’t waste their money and maybe did they start at least being civilized to each other?

Btw - WHY was he so angry? You can’t say it was because of the affair because he was acting cold and angry way before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

Wrong.

They came to counseling to "fix their marriage." They were honest about what their individual problems with their marriage were, when asked why they were there. They both said they wanted to save their marriage. When asked what that meant, his response was that he wanted things to "go back to normal" which he said meant that he wanted to go back to work and know that his wife was at home, taking care of their house and managing their kids but not cheating on him. Fine. Understandable. She said that she wanted her husband to work less, be around for family more, not golf on the weekends. Also fine and understandable, but not something he was willing to do. I saw them 3x and then she called saying they'd separated and wouldn't be coming back. What she did was awful, I don't disagree with that. But when she said that she was lonely, I understood why she was lonely. Doesn't make it a good choice.

I didn't give anyone any opening to manipulate any situation. Some people made an appointment. I accepted the appointment. They said they wanted to come back after the first appointment, and I said okay. I get that you think that therapy is a big racket, and I don't disagree with you entirely. But it's not my job to tell you what your problems are and then label them unfixable when you want to fix them. It's my job to help you fix the problems that you identify.

Where did you get your degree, from the Clown College School of Marital Therapy?

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

Apparently drawing love circles to identify your ‘love kanguage’ ala enriching the already rich John Gottman would not have worked in this case because the woman asked him to be home more and the guy refused. No dates, no time spent together. He said FU to her ‘love language’ request - So they separated. The guy just wanted a house servant to care for the kids and the house and to pay the bills- he didn’t want a wife. Therapy over. Can no one read???

Guy was probably gay and/or he had a lover on the side that he didn’t want to give up. Duh people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also remember finding a Xmas present at his house for the ex which was the last straw. ....... It was a sweater, and while this is wrong I found almost the exact same sweater and switched it for a very small size that wouldn't fit her. Actually I think it was pretty funny now looking back! And re-wrapping the gift!

Woman can be so devious! I hate that about them sometimes, but I love this story. Was there more? You should have worn that sweater (the one he bought) in front of him when you want out sometime. Like hide it under your coat until you got to the restaurant or something. What is he going to say? Hey, I bought that...I mean..a sweater just like that for AP.???? Or you know, you put it on and post a selfie on Facebook and remark how well the sweater fits you. Or how you wish you H would have bought that for you but that's OK, you "found" it yourself and just had to have it.

Sadly, yes. Young and dumb, should have walked away much sooner! I was really pissed, he still had his house and stuff in it, but was mostly living at mine. Basically he was using me. I did that because she was a larger woman and it was my size. I figured she would be mad at him for that. If I would have worn it, he would have said, "well she's the mother of my kid, and it was from his kid". He was a liar, but that's how he would have pulled it off. Long story, but I kicked him out. He went back to his home ,and that should have been the end of it. I found out 2 months later they got back together, so what I suspected all along was true. Don't ask me why I was so angry, but I was at the time. I still had a key to his home...and forgot I left something at his house. (yes I'm sticking to that story). I told this before, BUT when i confirmed they were both at work I drove over there. Let myself in. Went to the master bdrm. put the toilet seat up, messed up the bed, put some larger underwear half way under the bed, half way sticking out. (larger because I didn't want her to think they were mine). Then I put a earring in the washer, and got the hell out of there.

Sorry so long, but she ended up calling a week later because it was killing her to know if he had me over there. I told her no way I was done with the liar and cheater. Said he was porking some fat chick, omg... She believed me, said he apparently had some woman there for a nooner. Told me the whole ugly fight, and she moved back out!!! Basically, in a round about way I did her a favor, and I got it out of my system at the same time. I did move on right after that! Honestly, it felt pretty good. Plus it did make for a good happy hour story down the road.

Waaaaaay cheaper than therapy & it helped two people. Good deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

Wrong.

They came to counseling to "fix their marriage." They were honest about what their individual problems with their marriage were, when asked why they were there. They both said they wanted to save their marriage. When asked what that meant, his response was that he wanted things to "go back to normal" which he said meant that he wanted to go back to work and know that his wife was at home, taking care of their house and managing their kids but not cheating on him. Fine. Understandable. She said that she wanted her husband to work less, be around for family more, not golf on the weekends. Also fine and understandable, but not something he was willing to do. I saw them 3x and then she called saying they'd separated and wouldn't be coming back. What she did was awful, I don't disagree with that. But when she said that she was lonely, I understood why she was lonely. Doesn't make it a good choice.

I didn't give anyone any opening to manipulate any situation. Some people made an appointment. I accepted the appointment. They said they wanted to come back after the first appointment, and I said okay. I get that you think that therapy is a big racket, and I don't disagree with you entirely. But it's not my job to tell you what your problems are and then label them unfixable when you want to fix them. It's my job to help you fix the problems that you identify.

Where did you get your degree, from the Clown College School of Marital Therapy?

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

Apparently drawing love circles to identify your ‘love kanguage’ ala enriching the already rich John Gottman would not have worked in this case because the woman asked him to be home more and the guy refused. No dates, no time spent together. He said FU to her ‘love language’ request - So they separated. The guy just wanted a house servant to care for the kids and the house and to pay the bills- he didn’t want a wife. Therapy over. Can no one read???

Guy was probably gay and/or he had a lover on the side that he didn’t want to give up. Duh people.

That's not a description of good therapy. A good therapist would bring the problems out into the open not ignore them/paint them over. But part of the therapy would be focused on trying to rebuild intimacy, and if one partner just refused, then I would expect the therapist to terminate the therapy. GOOD therapists have waiting lists and don't waste their time on lost causes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

I didn’t get horrible from that. What I got was ‘This marriage can’t be saved’. The guy had checked out of the marriage years ago and wasn’t checking back in - what are you going to do? At least she didn’t waste their money and maybe did they start at least being civilized to each other?

Btw - WHY was he so angry? You can’t say it was because of the affair because he was acting cold and angry way before that.

It's horrible because she has no understanding of how to conduct therapy and thinks that needing to discuss the pain of cheating is somehow irrelevant. Even if the couple was going to split up, her role would be to help them get to that point and outline their goals (ie peaceful coparenting).

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

Bump
I want to know too

[Anonymous]

I guess I got lucky, but I feel like our DC marriage counselor's worth the serious cash we fork over every week. After the first kid came, we were in a dark, bad place, so we started seeing the therapist. It took about a year of dedicated work, but we got the marriage more or less back on track. We phased it out, had another kid, and hit the skids again, so back to therapy we went. Another year or so of therapy, and we were pretty good again. Since then, we've continued to go, and I'd say our marriage is stronger than it's every been. For a long time, I thought the sessions were b.s. I don't think a few weeks or even a couple months would be useful. If you're struggling enough to go to therapy, the issues are probably pretty deep-seated, and it takes - or at least took us - a long time to really internalize the lessons about communication, trust, intimacy, etc. Now when we go, half the time we don't even talk *about* the relationship; it might be more focused on one person's issues, with the other facilitating and listening, or it might just be a chance to hit the pause button on our frenetic lives and have a conversation about ourselves - with an understanding mediator in case our frayed nerves start to take us off the rails. I've always felt like the therapist was even-handed about validating and critiquing both of our feelings and positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

Does he work in the White House now by any chance?

Hahahahaha! He'd be so horrified to know anyone might suggest such a thing, even in jest. Wish I still spoke with him just so I could tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

Bump
I want to know too

Because people think the problems in their marriages are a common problem of the marriage instead of two individuals who have problems they've brought to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

When people are invested in their marriage, but don't have good communication skills or don't know how to "fight fairly," marriage counseling is a great resource.

When one partner is having an affair or is abusive, marriage counseling is not going to work. No investment, no trust.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The poster who said they only take your money and bill your insurance get's it.

I went with a ex bf many years ago. Both counselor's sucked. He was calling a ex behind my back who was constantly causing problems because she wanted to get back with him. Used the kid for every excuse to interject herself and cause problems for us. I put my foot down and asked him to call her at our house, plus he merely needed to call to confirm child exchange times. Looking back he wanted a plan B in case I didn't work out. First counselor thought he should be able to call from work, and kept skipping the issue. Finally, she really thought we were making progress at session 4 when I once again told her this was not negotiable. He pretty much refused. For some reason session 5 was with another counselor. He ended up telling us about his problems and how he got divorced. He also regretted giving his ex part of his inheritance..etc. etc. lol. Seemed he had his own problems....so much for that.

Before session 6 I called the counselor, said I was done with bf because trust wasn't going to happen. I also remember finding a Xmas present at his house for the ex which was the last straw. Seems he was lying about quite a lot. Finally I realized HE was the bigger problem...DUH..Anyways, It was a sweater, and while this is wrong I found almost the exact same sweater and switched it for a very small size that wouldn't fit her. Actually I think it was pretty funny now looking back! And re-wrapping the gift! That was my counselor experience way back in the day.

Your boyfriend sucked. I’m not sure why you are blaming the counselors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

Stupid? Never been but boss people around anyway?