Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

Does he work in the White House now by any chance?

Hahahahaha! He'd be so horrified to know anyone might suggest such a thing, even in jest. Wish I still spoke with him just so I could tell him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

Wrong.

They came to counseling to "fix their marriage." They were honest about what their individual problems with their marriage were, when asked why they were there. They both said they wanted to save their marriage. When asked what that meant, his response was that he wanted things to "go back to normal" which he said meant that he wanted to go back to work and know that his wife was at home, taking care of their house and managing their kids but not cheating on him. Fine. Understandable. She said that she wanted her husband to work less, be around for family more, not golf on the weekends. Also fine and understandable, but not something he was willing to do. I saw them 3x and then she called saying they'd separated and wouldn't be coming back. What she did was awful, I don't disagree with that. But when she said that she was lonely, I understood why she was lonely. Doesn't make it a good choice.

I didn't give anyone any opening to manipulate any situation. Some people made an appointment. I accepted the appointment. They said they wanted to come back after the first appointment, and I said okay. I get that you think that therapy is a big racket, and I don't disagree with you entirely. But it's not my job to tell you what your problems are and then label them unfixable when you want to fix them. It's my job to help you fix the problems that you identify.

Where did you get your degree, from the Clown College School of Marital Therapy?

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

Apparently drawing love circles to identify your ‘love kanguage’ ala enriching the already rich John Gottman would not have worked in this case because the woman asked him to be home more and the guy refused. No dates, no time spent together. He said FU to her ‘love language’ request - So they separated. The guy just wanted a house servant to care for the kids and the house and to pay the bills- he didn’t want a wife. Therapy over. Can no one read???

Guy was probably gay and/or he had a lover on the side that he didn’t want to give up. Duh people.

That's not a description of good therapy. A good therapist would bring the problems out into the open not ignore them/paint them over. But part of the therapy would be focused on trying to rebuild intimacy, and if one partner just refused, then I would expect the therapist to terminate the therapy. GOOD therapists have waiting lists and don't waste their time on lost causes.

They went to three sessions and quit. That’s not horrible therapy it’s a horrible marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

OP here. If there's cheating involved then race your money. A cheater in an affair fog needs a more intervention approach. Lots of therapist are just afraid of being confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is making me think my marital problems are a lost cause.

Why is everyone on DCUM so quick to suggest marriage counseling if this is the general consensus?

When people are invested in their marriage, but don't have good communication skills or don't know how to "fight fairly," marriage counseling is a great resource.

When one partner is having an affair or is abusive, marriage counseling is not going to work. No investment, no trust.

I agree with this. And I do think it COULD help with an affair (but honestly if you go to surviving infidelity, most of the couples who reconcile don’t make it so I’m not sure it’s something marriages can EVER come back from), but I think the Counseling would help best if a spouse found themselves considering or wanting to cheat. I also found that once the counselor gets the backstory, they aren’t very interested in the reasons why you are there - they are there to help you build a new marriage and that requires participation from both parties.

I remember being a little surprised that we didn’t spend more time going over the bad things DH and I had done to each other. Sometimes when I was angry, I wanted to harp on things and she would not let me - and that is a problem of mine. I expected her to say “this is what you two SHOULD have done so you wouldn’t have ended up here” but they can’t do that. It’s not helpful. What they are trying to do is rebuild communication to establish trust, and then later, intimacy etc. I expressed a lot of frustration early on because i just wanted the prescription to fix my marriage - one date night a week mixed with sex every other day, etc. So while some of the stories on here are clearly horrific, some of them aren’t - some marriages just aren’t gonna get fixed and some
People had unrealistic expectations like I did.

[Anonymous]

I imagine some therapist could ask, so, DH, when your wife was riding her AP and moaning in animalistic pleasure.. how did that make you FEEL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

Moreover, anyone who has studied infidelity closely knows that the cheater tends to rewrite the marital history to justify the affair. "Cheating is bad. I am not a bad person. Therefore, it must be someone else's fault that I cheated. My spouse drove me to it!" It's textbook bs, and a good therapist knows when to call that out.

What if the spouse had been withholding sex/affection for over a year? Does that make the cheater a bad person?

[Anonymous]

<<Oh and I have yet to come across a counsellor that has said stop coming to see me. >>

Ours tried to drop us.

[Anonymous]

<<My husband and I went years ago when we could not agree on whether to have a baby (he had said he wanted to, but then changed his mind after we got married). The guy was horrible - he actually spent half of a session talking about other clients he was attracted to.
The bright side is, DH and I are still married and have a 10 year old daughter.>>

Best story ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<Oh and I have yet to come across a counsellor that has said stop coming to see me. >>

Ours tried to drop us.

Ours too. Probably because he was a punitive jerk and I happened to mention one of his more outrageous suggested punishments for DS to a different psychiatrist who was testing DS for ADHD. Apparently this got back to our couples’ therapist, along with my opinion of that particular punishment he had suggested for DS, which really was outrageous in terms of current thinking re teens and even basic logic. I was about to drop our couples’ therapist for being a jerk in general (despite the fact that he always beat up on XDH instead of me, because that ultimately wasn’t helpful to anyone) before he dropped us, so all’s well!

He operates out of “North Bethesda,” ahem, Rockville, if you want to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:<<My husband and I went years ago when we could not agree on whether to have a baby (he had said he wanted to, but then changed his mind after we got married). The guy was horrible - he actually spent half of a session talking about other clients he was attracted to.
The bright side is, DH and I are still married and have a 10 year old daughter.>>

Best story ever.

Hilarious. Must have taken the pressure off.

[Anonymous]

Our therapist told us my DH was having affairs to get attention he felt i wasn’t giving him...and it was ok for him to validate his feelings that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The irony about therapists refusing to condemn cheating women is you know theyd have zero qualms condemning men hitting their wives.

Women are victims no matter the situation.

You’re an idiot. Men hitting their wives is in no way morally ambiguous.

But being a lying, cheating slut is? Got it!

If, for example, you’re a crappy husband who withholds sex and intimacy and also won’t agree to an open marriage, I could see a wife having an affair rather than just pulling the plug on the marriage - especially if there are kids involved. It’s not ideal, but both parties would be at fault in that scenario.

(I’d feel the same if we swap the genders of course.)

I am/was the wife in the situation, although it was never a physical affair, "only" emotional. For years I was ignored, insulted, and rejected, and married to someone who basically refused to share his life with me (goes out with his friends, I'm never invited even when other couples are there). So when someone showed interest I fell for it. As far as "cheaters always cheat", no, I would never do it again. We are in therapy. However, if he continues to withhold all intimacy (going on over a year now) then I will end the marriage rather than have an EA again. At this point I don't know which way it will go.

[Anonymous]

My wife was having an affair with a co worker. Our Bethesda based couples therapist sat there and let my now ex wife create this whole made up narrative of what a shitty husband I was. The irony is I’d always done at least half of the child care and we both leaned in on chores. She was just selfish and wanted what she wanted. Two sessions in I found my ex wife had a secret phone and kept in touch with AP. Again therapist listened to my ex. It was insane. My individual therapist from same practice was shocked and saw no hope.

Ultimately my ex moved out to be with him. He dumped her. Who knows what’s going on now. But I have primary custody of kids and a good divorce deal.

Upshot is where there is cheating I wouldn’t waste my time in couples therapy.

[Anonymous]

I started this thread almost a month ago. Getting this out was really helpful in helping me heal. Cheating can traumatic and filled with chaos.

Cheating is wrong. No excuses. Cheaters need interventions not consoling. Once they decide not to be cheaters then things can move forward. If the cheater still wants to cheat then there needs to be consequences and the cheated on spouse needs to be empowered to take action and avoid codependency.

I had a horrible therapist and it cost me dearly. Be forewarned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The irony about therapists refusing to condemn cheating women is you know theyd have zero qualms condemning men hitting their wives.

Women are victims no matter the situation.

You’re an idiot. Men hitting their wives is in no way morally ambiguous.

But being a lying, cheating slut is? Got it!

If, for example, you’re a crappy husband who withholds sex and intimacy and also won’t agree to an open marriage, I could see a wife having an affair rather than just pulling the plug on the marriage - especially if there are kids involved. It’s not ideal, but both parties would be at fault in that scenario.

(I’d feel the same if we swap the genders of course.)

I am/was the wife in the situation, although it was never a physical affair, "only" emotional. For years I was ignored, insulted, and rejected, and married to someone who basically refused to share his life with me (goes out with his friends, I'm never invited even when other couples are there). So when someone showed interest I fell for it. As far as "cheaters always cheat", no, I would never do it again. We are in therapy. However, if he continues to withhold all intimacy (going on over a year now) then I will end the marriage rather than have an EA again. At this point I don't know which way it will go.

I wonder if he is a porn addict