Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

When I confronted her and asked her why we were talking about me and not his violent temper, she point blank told me that she felt that people come to counseling to save relationships, and it was (therefore) her job to help me figure out how to find a way to adjust to my ex's abuse because that was the only way to stay in that relationship.

I swore off couples counseling after that. I firmly believe that in most cases the only therapy needed is individual. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to find individual therapists, OP. You each need to work out your feelings on your own. You are rightfully furious at this infidelity, but you'll never recover from the betrayal if you don't work through your emotions about it. And your wife needs to find a way through her shame so she can take authentic responsibility for what she's done. Neither of these things can be done in couples counseling.

In the meantime, read "Not Just Friends," by Barbara Glass. It will help.

[Anonymous]

I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

When I confronted her and asked her why we were talking about me and not his violent temper, she point blank told me that she felt that people come to counseling to save relationships, and it was (therefore) her job to help me figure out how to find a way to adjust to my ex's abuse because that was the only way to stay in that relationship.

I swore off couples counseling after that. I firmly believe that in most cases the only therapy needed is individual. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to find individual therapists, OP. You each need to work out your feelings on your own. You are rightfully furious at this infidelity, but you'll never recover from the betrayal if you don't work through your emotions about it. And your wife needs to find a way through her shame so she can take authentic responsibility for what she's done. Neither of these things can be done in couples counseling.

In the meantime, read "Not Just Friends," by Barbara Glass. It will help.

Anonymous wrote:I went for couple's counseling after a guy got physical with me in an argument and had the same experience -- the counselor just wanted to talk about his childhood and why I made him so mad. When I finally asked if he was even going to address the violence he rolled his eyes and said in a sarcastic voice, "okay, don't hit her." I was completely floored by how terrible of a person he was, let alone therapist. Frank Abate, if we're making a list.

Just want to say, in regards to these two posts, the evidence and guidance is very clear: couples counseling should NOT be used when one of the partners is abusive. It is far too easy for the abusive partner to manipulate the therapy/counseling into validating their behavior and turning the blame on the abused partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

[Anonymous]

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job.

No it's not. You're just terrible at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

+1

And, in my instance, I wan't seeking "validation" from some stranger. I appreciated fully, trust me, the damage my wife did with her affair. She broke our family. Our kids lost
their family home.Yet, she refused to acknowledge it. Sitting in a therapists office with a therapist telling her she needn't admit her wrongs nor take ownership of them was insult on injury. It was disgusting.

Ironically, she wasn't against appointing blame- she asked me dozens of questions about what "I'd done" to cause my wife to have an affair. It was surreal. I was actually laughing through it.

I pray youre not practicing.

[Anonymous]

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The irony about therapists refusing to condemn cheating women is you know theyd have zero qualms condemning men hitting their wives.

Women are victims no matter the situation.

You’re an idiot. Men hitting their wives is in no way morally ambiguous.

But being a lying, cheating slut is? Got it!

If, for example, you’re a crappy husband who withholds sex and intimacy and also won’t agree to an open marriage, I could see a wife having an affair rather than just pulling the plug on the marriage - especially if there are kids involved. It’s not ideal, but both parties would be at fault in that scenario.

(I’d feel the same if we swap the genders of course.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

Wrong.

They came to counseling to "fix their marriage." They were honest about what their individual problems with their marriage were, when asked why they were there. They both said they wanted to save their marriage. When asked what that meant, his response was that he wanted things to "go back to normal" which he said meant that he wanted to go back to work and know that his wife was at home, taking care of their house and managing their kids but not cheating on him. Fine. Understandable. She said that she wanted her husband to work less, be around for family more, not golf on the weekends. Also fine and understandable, but not something he was willing to do. I saw them 3x and then she called saying they'd separated and wouldn't be coming back. What she did was awful, I don't disagree with that. But when she said that she was lonely, I understood why she was lonely. Doesn't make it a good choice.

I didn't give anyone any opening to manipulate any situation. Some people made an appointment. I accepted the appointment. They said they wanted to come back after the first appointment, and I said okay. I get that you think that therapy is a big racket, and I don't disagree with you entirely. But it's not my job to tell you what your problems are and then label them unfixable when you want to fix them. It's my job to help you fix the problems that you identify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

Wow! This can't be real.

Let's break this down. They came into counseling and they unload this on you. I think that we can all agree that this was a pretty horrible offense. I, for one, would probably ask him why is he is in my office because that's a lot to deal with. I would be honest and tell them that there's probably not much I could do for them. It will just prolong the pain of the spouse. You, however, give the wife an opening to manipulate the situation and keep the money ball rolling.

Wrong.

They came to counseling to "fix their marriage." They were honest about what their individual problems with their marriage were, when asked why they were there. They both said they wanted to save their marriage. When asked what that meant, his response was that he wanted things to "go back to normal" which he said meant that he wanted to go back to work and know that his wife was at home, taking care of their house and managing their kids but not cheating on him. Fine. Understandable. She said that she wanted her husband to work less, be around for family more, not golf on the weekends. Also fine and understandable, but not something he was willing to do. I saw them 3x and then she called saying they'd separated and wouldn't be coming back. What she did was awful, I don't disagree with that. But when she said that she was lonely, I understood why she was lonely. Doesn't make it a good choice.

I didn't give anyone any opening to manipulate any situation. Some people made an appointment. I accepted the appointment. They said they wanted to come back after the first appointment, and I said okay. I get that you think that therapy is a big racket, and I don't disagree with you entirely. But it's not my job to tell you what your problems are and then label them unfixable when you want to fix them. It's my job to help you fix the problems that you identify.

Where did you get your degree, from the Clown College School of Marital Therapy?

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

[Anonymous]

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

Where were you in my life before I saw my counselor? This would have been so useful. There's no way I could have gotten this much research in the condition that I was in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Exhibit 1 folks for the reason to make sure your couples therapist is actually qualified. I haven't actually pulled the trigger on going yet, but I've done a lot of research to find reputable approaches. Look for someone who actually has a licence in Marriage and Family Therapy, and ideally advanced training in a specific modality. I did a ton of research on modalities, and the main ones that appear to be supported by evidence are the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). There is also a new modality called Discernment Therapy which is specifically for couples who are actively considering divorce. I also find that in general, therapist that work in group practices are superior to therapists in solo practice. They're more professional and trained.

Where were you in my life before I saw my counselor? This would have been so useful. There's no way I could have gotten this much research in the condition that I was in.

Lol. Well, my relationship is like "slow road to misery punctuated by a few horrifying events," so I've had a fair amount of time to think things over. Also cheating has not been involved, so far. If it were, I'm sure the situation would be much more of a crisis. That's actually why I want to start counseling now, before an affair happens on either side, in part because it will be much less emotionally charged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - I credit our marriage counselor with saving our marriage. At least partly. They're not all bad.

Name, please?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

When I confronted her and asked her why we were talking about me and not his violent temper, she point blank told me that she felt that people come to counseling to save relationships, and it was (therefore) her job to help me figure out how to find a way to adjust to my ex's abuse because that was the only way to stay in that relationship.

I swore off couples counseling after that. I firmly believe that in most cases the only therapy needed is individual. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to find individual therapists, OP. You each need to work out your feelings on your own. You are rightfully furious at this infidelity, but you'll never recover from the betrayal if you don't work through your emotions about it. And your wife needs to find a way through her shame so she can take authentic responsibility for what she's done. Neither of these things can be done in couples counseling.

In the meantime, read "Not Just Friends," by Barbara Glass. It will help.

Name please, or at least location? That’s what will make this thread useful.