Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

We went to a male therapist in North Bethesda (really South Rockville) and it was disastrous. None of 10:27’s new-fangled approaches here. Instead, every week he’d go around the room and pick a baddie-of-the-week, and then we’d discuss what that person was doing wrong. I’m not talking about the diplomatic criticism suggested here, I’m talking near-abuse from the therapist. The fact that the baddie was then-DH didn’t make it any better for me, or more helpful. Then-DH was too po’d to take any of the advice about, for example, stepping up to help me co-parent our teens. In fact, DH dug in on various things and we’re now divorced.

After I made us stop seeing this guy, I looked him up on YELP (he had been recommended to us). There were multiple reviews saying he seemed to have a personality disorder, or was very angry or manipulative, and one guy even posted that he didn’t know this therapist professionally but had had a brutal interaction with him IRL. He’s still practicing but the reviews are gone. If you step into a therapy room with Elvis paraphernalia, walk right out again.

[Anonymous]

I've thought about seeking marriage counseling because I am convinced my wife has been having an affair for the past few years at least but know that it would be a huge waste of time and $ because she is a malignant narcissist and marriage counselors are flakes at best and greedy bastards at worst. One day I will show her the door, but am sticking around for now because kids.

[Anonymous]

terrible counselor for 4 sessions. she just sat there while my spouse lied and painted themselves as perfection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

Moreover, anyone who has studied infidelity closely knows that the cheater tends to rewrite the marital history to justify the affair. "Cheating is bad. I am not a bad person. Therefore, it must be someone else's fault that I cheated. My spouse drove me to it!" It's textbook bs, and a good therapist knows when to call that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was told that I couldn't speak bad about my wife's AP because it made my wife feel bad. When I did I was told by my therapist I was just doing it out of spite and that I needed to see someone for it.

Therapist bend over backwards for cheaters.

I think it really depends on what you were saying and why you were saying it. Maybe you WERE doing it out of spite. Maybe you DID need to see someone for your anger and resentment.

Truthfully, I have never understood people who go to therapy looking for some stranger to condemn their spouse's actions. Why do you need a 3rd party to validate your betrayal? If you are not there to talk about how to move past it, why are you in counseling at all?

I have worked as a couples counselor, and it's a hard job. As I said above, it's hard not to sympathize with one party more than the other. As another poster said, cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum and if you are in counseling talking about the problems with your marriage, if there is cheating, there are almost certainly going to be other problems. I saw a couple where the wife had cheated with the dad of one of their kids' soccer team mates. When asked point blank why she cheated, she stated that her husband works from 7am until 9pm every weekday and on the weekend, he goes golfing in the morning and then comes home and takes a nap. He didn't take vacations. He didn't take her on dates. He wasn't loving toward her or their children. His attitude in counseling supported those statements. He was cold and angry. I understood why he was cold and angry. I also understood why she was lonely. Ultimately, they divorced because while her affair definitely threw the bomb, it was like a bomb getting thrown into a condemned building. There was nothing left to fix. I didn't know why they came to counseling at all, honestly.

You sound like a horrible couples counselor. Glad you're apparently not doing it anymore.

No matter what other issues there are in a relationship, cheating is almost always a huge, damaging rupture, and there's no way to do effective therapy without dealing with it directly. It's not seeking validation to bring the betrayed person's pain out into the open. To not acknowledge it would be gaslighting of the worst sort.

Oh my gosh, no kidding. No matter what one does it's never the other spouses fault they cheated. There's compromise, getting help, and finally divorce then date.
Cheating is abuse and basically that pp is saying the victim kind of brought it on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about seeking marriage counseling because I am convinced my wife has been having an affair for the past few years at least but know that it would be a huge waste of time and $ because she is a malignant narcissist and marriage counselors are flakes at best and greedy bastards at worst. One day I will show her the door, but am sticking around for now because kids.

Forget going to some so called therapist. Spend the money on a PI or a decent GPS. Don't you ever go on Amazon?

If it's true then get divorced and move on. No sense in guessing..

[Anonymous]

1. Also gas lighted by my cheating XDH and had two marriage counselors believe him unquestionably and divert the conversation away from the affair to all of the reasons he was "unhappy"
2. Was encouraged by another individual therapist not to focus on trying to figure out if he was still cheating and instead focus on the marriage. That playing detective was a waste of time and that if he was cheating again, I would know. Well, he was, and I found out only because I got very sneaky. What the real waste of time was was sinking more energy into saving my marriage.
3. Told another marriage counselor that XDH told AP that he loved her and she replied with, "Those are just words". She was a relative of XDH but still, come on!

I have had a couple that were good though, but this thread makes my blood boil just thinking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've thought about seeking marriage counseling because I am convinced my wife has been having an affair for the past few years at least but know that it would be a huge waste of time and $ because she is a malignant narcissist and marriage counselors are flakes at best and greedy bastards at worst. One day I will show her the door, but am sticking around for now because kids.

Read this and rethink of staying. This is what you are setting your kids up for:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/702658.page

[Anonymous]

Going to a so called counselor is more about putting off the decision to divorce. So many people waste more time instead of making the quick decision to put the cheater behind them and all the dysfunction. The cheater gets a pass and more time so they agree. The victim is still in shock and often co-dependent, or abused. The cycle usually goes on, or they end up divorced at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I saw a marriage counselor to try and salvage our relationship, which ended after he tried to run me over with a car. There were clear signs of escalating abuse. But the counselor kept trying to make me the problem, giving my ex a boatload of validation for the fury he was sending my way.

When I confronted her and asked her why we were talking about me and not his violent temper, she point blank told me that she felt that people come to counseling to save relationships, and it was (therefore) her job to help me figure out how to find a way to adjust to my ex's abuse because that was the only way to stay in that relationship.

I swore off couples counseling after that. I firmly believe that in most cases the only therapy needed is individual. I would strongly encourage you and your wife to find individual therapists, OP. You each need to work out your feelings on your own. You are rightfully furious at this infidelity, but you'll never recover from the betrayal if you don't work through your emotions about it. And your wife needs to find a way through her shame so she can take authentic responsibility for what she's done. Neither of these things can be done in couples counseling.

In the meantime, read "Not Just Friends," by Barbara Glass. It will help.

Name please, or at least location? That’s what will make this thread useful.

Honestly, I can't even remember the name of the therapist. (Probably blocked it out.) But, I think my point to OP, that couple's counseling isn't going to help them - especially not at this stage of the betrayal - and that the resolution he seeks will really be found in individual therapy, is actually more useful. Ditto goes for that book recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will tell you what I know from my own experience. I wasn't cheated on physically, but emotionally. We never went to therapy. We opened up a line of communication between us, began to talk, (he had ceased all contact with the other person months before because she asked for sex and he said he was married and he wouldn't do that). There were texts to prove what he said, and her reply, in which she was infuriated. I have a line that I won't allow to be crossed. If you cross it, you're gone. If you don't, I'll give you one chance. Without therapy, we have gone from a serious problem to the most serious, deepest love we have? ever felt in our lives. It took less than 3 months for me to forgive, less than 6 months for me to feel such encompassing love for him. He already felt it for me, but was giving me time. We both read a lot about emotional affairs, were completely honest with each other, prayed hard, and God helped heal our marriage. Sometimes you never know what yu can have with someone until you almost lose them. He almost lost me, and it hit him hard. Good luck, OP.

Oh, he's slept with her. I promise you this.

LOL. God healed your marriage. Definitely still sleeping with her. You're a sucker.

[Anonymous]

this is one of the all-time DCUM threads so far. Keep it rolling1

[Anonymous]

The poster who said they only take your money and bill your insurance get's it.

I went with a ex bf many years ago. Both counselor's sucked. He was calling a ex behind my back who was constantly causing problems because she wanted to get back with him. Used the kid for every excuse to interject herself and cause problems for us. I put my foot down and asked him to call her at our house, plus he merely needed to call to confirm child exchange times. Looking back he wanted a plan B in case I didn't work out. First counselor thought he should be able to call from work, and kept skipping the issue. Finally, she really thought we were making progress at session 4 when I once again told her this was not negotiable. He pretty much refused. For some reason session 5 was with another counselor. He ended up telling us about his problems and how he got divorced. He also regretted giving his ex part of his inheritance..etc. etc. lol. Seemed he had his own problems....so much for that.

Before session 6 I called the counselor, said I was done with bf because trust wasn't going to happen. I also remember finding a Xmas present at his house for the ex which was the last straw. Seems he was lying about quite a lot. Finally I realized HE was the bigger problem...DUH..Anyways, It was a sweater, and while this is wrong I found almost the exact same sweater and switched it for a very small size that wouldn't fit her. Actually I think it was pretty funny now looking back! And re-wrapping the gift! That was my counselor experience way back in the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also remember finding a Xmas present at his house for the ex which was the last straw. ....... It was a sweater, and while this is wrong I found almost the exact same sweater and switched it for a very small size that wouldn't fit her. Actually I think it was pretty funny now looking back! And re-wrapping the gift!

Woman can be so devious! I hate that about them sometimes, but I love this story. Was there more? You should have worn that sweater (the one he bought) in front of him when you want out sometime. Like hide it under your coat until you got to the restaurant or something. What is he going to say? Hey, I bought that...I mean..a sweater just like that for AP.???? Or you know, you put it on and post a selfie on Facebook and remark how well the sweater fits you. Or how you wish you H would have bought that for you but that's OK, you "found" it yourself and just had to have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also remember finding a Xmas present at his house for the ex which was the last straw. ....... It was a sweater, and while this is wrong I found almost the exact same sweater and switched it for a very small size that wouldn't fit her. Actually I think it was pretty funny now looking back! And re-wrapping the gift!

Woman can be so devious! I hate that about them sometimes, but I love this story. Was there more? You should have worn that sweater (the one he bought) in front of him when you want out sometime. Like hide it under your coat until you got to the restaurant or something. What is he going to say? Hey, I bought that...I mean..a sweater just like that for AP.???? Or you know, you put it on and post a selfie on Facebook and remark how well the sweater fits you. Or how you wish you H would have bought that for you but that's OK, you "found" it yourself and just had to have it.

Sadly, yes. Young and dumb, should have walked away much sooner! I was really pissed, he still had his house and stuff in it, but was mostly living at mine. Basically he was using me. I did that because she was a larger woman and it was my size. I figured she would be mad at him for that. If I would have worn it, he would have said, "well she's the mother of my kid, and it was from his kid". He was a liar, but that's how he would have pulled it off. Long story, but I kicked him out. He went back to his home ,and that should have been the end of it. I found out 2 months later they got back together, so what I suspected all along was true. Don't ask me why I was so angry, but I was at the time. I still had a key to his home...and forgot I left something at his house. (yes I'm sticking to that story). I told this before, BUT when i confirmed they were both at work I drove over there. Let myself in. Went to the master bdrm. put the toilet seat up, messed up the bed, put some larger underwear half way under the bed, half way sticking out. (larger because I didn't want her to think they were mine). Then I put a earring in the washer, and got the hell out of there.

Sorry so long, but she ended up calling a week later because it was killing her to know if he had me over there. I told her no way I was done with the liar and cheater. Said he was porking some fat chick, omg... She believed me, said he apparently had some woman there for a nooner. Told me the whole ugly fight, and she moved back out!!! Basically, in a round about way I did her a favor, and I got it out of my system at the same time. I did move on right after that! Honestly, it felt pretty good. Plus it did make for a good happy hour story down the road.