Horrible Marriage Counselors

[Anonymous]

The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

+1. OP, I’m sorry but your mistake was expecting emotional vindication from anyone other than your wife. It’s not a marriage counselor’s job to judge or tell you who is right and who is wrong, which is what I imagine you wanted to hear.

[Anonymous]

I will tell you what I know from my own experience. I wasn't cheated on physically, but emotionally. We never went to therapy. We opened up a line of communication between us, began to talk, (he had ceased all contact with the other person months before because she asked for sex and he said he was married and he wouldn't do that). There were texts to prove what he said, and her reply, in which she was infuriated. I have a line that I won't allow to be crossed. If you cross it, you're gone. If you don't, I'll give you one chance. Without therapy, we have gone from a serious problem to the most serious, deepest love we have? ever felt in our lives. It took less than 3 months for me to forgive, less than 6 months for me to feel such encompassing love for him. He already felt it for me, but was giving me time. We both read a lot about emotional affairs, were completely honest with each other, prayed hard, and God helped heal our marriage. Sometimes you never know what yu can have with someone until you almost lose them. He almost lost me, and it hit him hard. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will tell you what I know from my own experience. I wasn't cheated on physically, but emotionally. We never went to therapy. We opened up a line of communication between us, began to talk, (he had ceased all contact with the other person months before because she asked for sex and he said he was married and he wouldn't do that). There were texts to prove what he said, and her reply, in which she was infuriated. I have a line that I won't allow to be crossed. If you cross it, you're gone. If you don't, I'll give you one chance. Without therapy, we have gone from a serious problem to the most serious, deepest love we have? ever felt in our lives. It took less than 3 months for me to forgive, less than 6 months for me to feel such encompassing love for him. He already felt it for me, but was giving me time. We both read a lot about emotional affairs, were completely honest with each other, prayed hard, and God helped heal our marriage. Sometimes you never know what yu can have with someone until you almost lose them. He almost lost me, and it hit him hard. Good luck, OP.

Oh, he's slept with her. I promise you this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

You fix a marriage through communication. The therapist is helping with that. If you feel that a spouse cheating is not good for the marriage, communicate that. Right or wrong, there are people out there that can live with a cheating spouse. Call it polygamy or open marriage or closing your eyes, but just because you want your marriage to be between 2 people does not mean that everyone thinks the same. If you want something, say it. The therapists job is not to tell either person what to do.

[Anonymous]

The answer to any affair is everything chump lady says. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

It's okay to cut to the chase and tell someone that they are in the wrong. Seriously, it's not conduct not conducive to a relationship and the reason why the couple is sitting there. If the person thinks it's fine to cheat or cannot commit to a few ground rules, then it's a waste of time for the other partner.

If you are a therapist please, for the sake of all that's good, be direct. I have no idea why refusing to call out terrible behavior by an abuser is such an issue. If you can't provide a simple suggestion, then you are an ineffective waste of money and time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

It's okay to cut to the chase and tell someone that they are in the wrong. Seriously, it's not conduct not conducive to a relationship and the reason why the couple is sitting there. If the person thinks it's fine to cheat or cannot commit to a few ground rules, then it's a waste of time for the other partner.

If you are a therapist please, for the sake of all that's good, be direct. I have no idea why refusing to call out terrible behavior by an abuser is such an issue. If you can't provide a simple suggestion, then you are an ineffective waste of money and time.

People may disagree with me, but I’m of the mind that -for the most part- cheating does not happen in a vacuum. So, while that may be the straw that broke the camel’s back and why the couple is physically sitting there, I don’t agree that it’s productive to focus on calling one person out (which is why most don’t). There were likely years of issues and poor communication leading up to the decision to cheat, and that’s what needs to be explored. Again, the therapist isn’t there to validate your feelings.

[Anonymous]

And again if you just want to be told you’re right and someone else is wrong that’s a stupid use of a therapist. That’s not going to help your marriage move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

It's okay to cut to the chase and tell someone that they are in the wrong. Seriously, it's not conduct not conducive to a relationship and the reason why the couple is sitting there. If the person thinks it's fine to cheat or cannot commit to a few ground rules, then it's a waste of time for the other partner.

If you are a therapist please, for the sake of all that's good, be direct. I have no idea why refusing to call out terrible behavior by an abuser is such an issue. If you can't provide a simple suggestion, then you are an ineffective waste of money and time.

People may disagree with me, but I’m of the mind that -for the most part- cheating does not happen in a vacuum. So, while that may be the straw that broke the camel’s back and why the couple is physically sitting there, I don’t agree that it’s productive to focus on calling one person out (which is why most don’t). There were likely years of issues and poor communication leading up to the decision to cheat, and that’s what needs to be explored. Again, the therapist isn’t there to validate your feelings.

Oh, okay. You sound like a therapist. It's okay for a therapist to set ground rules. I do with my clients. It's so that everyone can get to point a to b in an orderly fashion. That's totally compatible with fostering communication. You are just a passive third party sucking my time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And again if you just want to be told you’re right and someone else is wrong that’s a stupid use of a therapist. That’s not going to help your marriage move forward.

So who can I pay to have an intervention?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you were looking for someone to tell your wife not to cheat, you went to the wrong place. Your wife had to make that choice herself. Therapists don't judge (outwardly) and they don't tell people what to do. The goal of therapy is to identify the problems in your marriage and help you solve them.

Well, a good therapist would make sure the affair was being discussed, no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The goal of marriage counseling is to improve the communication between the partners. It is not for a therapist to tell either party what to do.

If you want your wife to stop seeing someone else, then you say that. Your wife then responds and the therapist helps with the communication.

While it seems like a given to save a marriage, there should only be two people in it, it still needs to said aloud.

I am giving you money to counsel us how to fix a marriage. In most people's world that means helpful suggestions should be included. Helping us communicate is fine. Telling a spouse that cheating is not good for a marriage is also good.

Listen, it’s natural for the cheated-on spouse to want to be told they’re right and the cheating partner is wrong, or you’re “good” and he/she is “bad.” Those labels aren’t constructive. The focus needs to be on communicating what needs of both partners haven’t been or aren’t being met.

I agree that it isn't the job of the therapist to condemn. But it's absolutely the role to validate and put on the table the betrayed spouse's pain.