just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a closeted gay in heavy denial, forcing himself to be heterosexual, and it just isn't working.

This was my thought, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at least he is not blaming you for his lack of interest in sex.

Weeelll... to add to the reason I am angry: he originally did.. "you don't wear very clothes, nightgowns, underwears", "you don't do a lot to put me in the mood". Don't get me wrong, He is a very nice person, there is a context to why he said that and I guess I put him on the defensive, but still it was disastrous for my self image. The physical rejection was painful too. You start to feel ugly, dirty, unloved..

Now he is not blaming it on me and tries to assure me that he really loves me. He doesn't seem to understand how being desired is for most people (I assume?) a key part of being loved. If not, what is the difference with a brotherly love?

I meant " you don't wear very sexy clothes, nightgowns, underwears". And to be clear I am generally considered cute if not pretty, and I pay attention to myself.i don't wear mini skirts or plunging necklines but I am feminine and men look at me in the street. I am just adding that in case people start with a whole list of advice on how I should shave my legs or brush my teeth I honestly don't think my appearance is the issue. There could be some secret fantasy he needs and i am not fulfilling but right now he doesn't give me enough guidance (he didn't even look at the the sexier underwear)

Post a sexy, neck down photo of yourself so we can advise

[Anonymous]

Why can't he just be there for you then?

Women are supposed to fake it until they make it because men have needs, but I don't understand why guys can't pony up and service their wives, via hand or mouth, and see if that doesn't turn things around.

If it doesn't then look into a medical issue. Actually do both things at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe has has low testosterone.

+1 Ask for a thyroid check.

+2. My first thought as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he see your vagina during childbirth? Some men can't come back from that

Wtf?? Pp You need psychiatric help and please go read a book about the reproductive system. You are weird and whomever is married to you is so screwed.

Anyway op, I agree with you he should've mentioned his low to non-existent libido while you were dating. Noticed how he didn't say anything and faked it until the kids arrived because he wanted you to be stuck with him? That is so wrong. I keep saying people who don't like sex should be in relationship with other low libido people. I feel bad for any spouse stuck with a person like this, especially if sex is important in your relationship.

Yeah I feel betrayed he knew and he didn't tell me. It was my decision to make if I was confortable marrying a man with very little sexual desires...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he just be there for you then?

Women are supposed to fake it until they make it because men have needs, but I don't understand why guys can't pony up and service their wives, via hand or mouth, and see if that doesn't turn things around.

If it doesn't then look into a medical issue. Actually do both things at the same time.

I guess he could, I am not sure how much I would like that though. Being desired is part of what gives me pleasure too, if it is about the mechanics I am actually more efficient at giving myself an orgasm and if it about emotional/physical connection then a good cuddling session will be less awkarwd .. i really don't link the idea of forcing him into it, especially as my self esteem is not on top of the world. With all the bravado about being pretty enough, it is hard at 35 after 2 kids to be naked in front of someone who is not looking at you with eyes glassy with eroctic desire.... brrr just thinking about it makes me cold..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he just be there for you then?

Women are supposed to fake it until they make it because men have needs, but I don't understand why guys can't pony up and service their wives, via hand or mouth, and see if that doesn't turn things around.

If it doesn't then look into a medical issue. Actually do both things at the same time.

I guess he could, I am not sure how much I would like that though. Being desired is part of what gives me pleasure too, if it is about the mechanics I am actually more efficient at giving myself an orgasm and if it about emotional/physical connection then a good cuddling session will be less awkarwd .. i really don't link the idea of forcing him into it, especially as my self esteem is not on top of the world. With all the bravado about being pretty enough, it is hard at 35 after 2 kids to be naked in front of someone who is not looking at you with eyes glassy with eroctic desire.... brrr just thinking about it makes me cold..

But to add PP: you are right that maybe starting and seeing where it takes us, making clear there is no pressure to perform, could help him get in the mood.. I'll try to build up the courage to try it..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe has has low testosterone.

+1 Ask for a thyroid check.

+2. My first thought as well.

He did that apparently it is normal, but I read since that there are several types of thyroid tests. Will research again to see what exactly he should check.

[Anonymous]

Could he be addicted to porn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a closeted gay in heavy denial, forcing himself to be heterosexual, and it just isn't working.

This was my thought, too.

Nah, I got tired of sex after 11 years with my ex wife. Just got bored of the same thing, even though I loved her deeply and found her attractive.

On the bright side, no problems with the new wife! Got nine more years to go.

Sorry OP, I know that's not helpful, but these idiots don't know what they're talking about. I don't think you're going to fix it by being angry or accusing him of being gay. You will, however, make it easier to talk yourself into leaving him using their logic.

[Anonymous]

My DH is 36 and we have no kids and his libido can change dramatically when he is healthy vs depressed or depending on medication he's taking. Is it possible your husband has long been suffering a slow-burning kind of depression andor anxiety? Loss of sexual interest without a real trigger is often a side effect. Your sex life is something he should care enough about to speak to his doctor about. Will he?

[Anonymous]

He's not asexual. If he was asexual he wouldn't want sex, at all, ever.

Please don't pathologies your husbands low drive so that you can feel better about trying to coerce him into sex.

[Anonymous]

Check for any medical issues first. But honestly, it sounds like he's just low drive. Yes, he should've absolutely told you when you two were dating so you could've made an informed decision about the relationship. I'm not defending your dh at all but I think it's harder for men to admit (even to themselves) that they are low drive.

Nonetheless, barring any medical problems beyond his control, he doesn't get to opt of the sex if he knowingly married a woman with an average libido. That's breaks the marital contract in the same way that infidelity does. If he loves you, he should care that you are sexually satisfied. Compromise on a frequency that would be acceptable to the both of you. Go to therapy if you need a third party mediator to figure this out.

[Anonymous]

He's gay, duh!!

[Anonymous]

Man here, high drive so take this for what it's worth.

First, absolutely ignore the troll(s) who talk about seeing your vagina during birth. That has never affected a man, ever, of normal sexuality. I saw my wife deliver all three kids, and it was miraculous. Yes, I saw all the blood, feces, etc. So do most men. There is some weirdo out there who wants to shame you. Ignore him as his wife does.

Second, I have/had low thyroid, and it can damper libido and erections, but doesn't zap desire for a year. TSH is the gold standard, it would show up on a test if he was out of whack.

My guess is he has sexuality or intimacy issues, perhaps both. Men need to ejaculate on a regular basis. So if you think you can get an honest answer from him, ask him if and how often he masturbates. If it's rarely or never, and you think he is being honest, he has a medical issue. But, more likely, he is taking care of himself, and for reasons you need to straighten out, it isn't with you.

My wife was and is lower libido so you have my sympathy, it wreaks havoc on a marriage. Your situation isn't sustainable, nor should it be.