just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?
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Anonymous
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Our story: been married 4 years. 2 kids 4 and 2 years old. Our sex life was never awesome but it was fine, at the beginning we were having sex twice a week then once, almost always WE mornings or after a party , a bit drunk. After first child the drop was dramatic, once every 6 months, second child once a year, 2016 = zero. I confronted him before of course but he said he was just exhausted, without uninterrupted sleep he just didn't have any libido.. fine.. But he finally admitted yesterday: it was the same with his previous long term girlfriend, the sex more or less vanished.
he says he doesn't really miss it. He misses the connection the intimacy but not so much the sex itself. he says he will try to work on it now that the kids are sleeping better. But I have a hard time believing there is anything he can do  (and no for the record I didn't gain 50 pounds, he is not gay, he is no cheating and we have no serious issues going on, it is really a low libido thing)
He also doesn't seem to understand how horrible it is for me. To realize at 35 years old that the man I love and who loves me is ready to be in a sexless marriage. I am in the angry phase right now, I feel like this is something he should have said before we got married. You would tell someone if you are infertile or have a chronic disease right? he has no clue I see it as exactly the same, a handicapped he hid from me and now wants me to deal with without making too much of a fuss... We will go to the doc to double check that there is no medical issue, we will try sexual therapy, we will try what we can. But deep down, today at least, I just feel like the jig is up and nothing will be the same anymore. anyone has any experience living with an asexual DH? how do you cope? |
Anonymous
| Did he see your vagina during childbirth? Some men can't come back from that |
Anonymous
| OP, at least he is not blaming you for his lack of interest in sex. |
Anonymous
JFC...Read. This has happened to him before. OP, does it seem like he wants to try? Send the kids away for the weekend. Book a hotel room (if finances are tight, stay home but that can lend itself to feeling like you have to do things around the house). Work on being intimate but not just with sex. Massage each other, tease each other. Get to know your bodies again. See how he responds. On threads where the wife has lost desire, there is a lot of advice to fake it until you get back into it. Obviously it's harder for a guy to fake it but it's worth a try. In addition to getting him tested, would you be open to seeing a sex therapist? My friend's husband went through ED at 33 because of life stresses. They went to a sex therapist and it worked wonders. And it's not all about talking about sex but also connecting on a deeper level, something that many of us have let lapse even if we have a good sex life and a good marriage. It's totally fine to feel angry. But just being open with him is a big step. Now move on to the next step of figuring out what you can do.to fix it |
Anonymous
| If OP is angry now, she will be white-hot when she hits her forties! You need to get this figured out. |
Anonymous
Maybe you should read. Op stated his sex drive disappeared after each child |
Anonymous
Wtf?? Pp You need psychiatric help and please go read a book about the reproductive system. You are weird and whomever is married to you is so screwed. Anyway op, I agree with you he should've mentioned his low to non-existent libido while you were dating. Noticed how he didn't say anything and faked it until the kids arrived because he wanted you to be stuck with him? That is so wrong. I keep saying people who don't like sex should be in relationship with other low libido people. I feel bad for any spouse stuck with a person like this, especially if sex is important in your relationship. |
Anonymous
| Imagine if the gender roles were reversed, like usual. The harpies would be complaining that the husband should still love her for who she is and not try to have sex wth her because that would be rape and that the husband is so self centered, because she's tired and why can't he understand that? |
Anonymous
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We should exchange, then 
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Anonymous
Probably this if the sex drive dipped right after both kids were born |
Anonymous
And his previous long term gf. The sex vanished there. So sure, the kids likely aren't helping the situation but it sounds like the problem existed in a past relationship so the issue lies with him and his libido. And that's why OP feels pissed. It's a lot easier to fix it when it's just exhaustion from having kids and being an adult. Much harder to fix it the issue is his long term libido in general. |
Anonymous
Except that doesn't explain why this has happened to him in a prior relationship. |
Anonymous
Unless that isn't actually true and he made it up because he didn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. The "it's not you, it's me" routine |
Anonymous
| Don't rule out him being a porn addict |
Anonymous
| Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice |