just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. OP you're getting a lot of bad advice. At 35 he should still have a drive. This is likely due to the following:
Depression
Anxiety due to stress as work or home
Low T

Sometimes medication can kill it. I know veterans on drugs for PTSD that kill sex drive. Is he on mess?

If not, seriously schedule a physical for him and they can check T levels, among other things. If he tells his doc he has no sex drive they'll do it for him. Anything below 250 is really low. Anything below 400 some doctors will consider low for a 35 year old.

If he's fat and out of shape - this can contribute to low T and thus low drive. Oh yeah...and diabetes.

Low T and anxiety could be a reason. Overall he is thin and in relatively good shape (he exercises regularly, goes for runs, eats healthy). But he doesn't seem very healthy these days. He seems tired, a bit worn out with big bags under his eyes. He is often cold and a bit pale. I am not into Chinese medicine but it looks like there is not enough energy circulating in his body.

Sudden changes in conditions like that indicate something serious. Have him get a physical and see what happens. Not to raise an alarm - but if it's sudden that's not good.

Low T could still be the culprit but what you're talking about seems like something else as wellx

[Anonymous]

Running can reduce libido. I've noticed this personally. So can medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It will make Op even more resentful, IMHO, to "work" for it when he's not interested AT ALL. It's humiliating.

Yes! Women should not put any effort into something like that...I mean the man should be ready to go anytime I want it.

This is a bit of a double-standard, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Running can reduce libido. I've noticed this personally. So can medication.

If he's a marathon type runner, it's probably going to drain his body. If it's slogging (slow jogging) he does for exercise he's much much better off lifting weights to be honest.

It's either low testosterone or medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the gender roles were reversed, like usual. The harpies would be complaining that the husband should still love her for who she is and not try to have sex wth her because that would be rape and that the husband is so self centered, because she's tired and why can't he understand that?

This is such a great point. It is completely accurate too. At some point, people need to start looking at things as the way they are. It's not about sex, race, religion... People are still human. And ALL human's go through issues. The problems that we have as a HUMAN RACE is that we have to group things and then have expectations for those groups. HUMANS go through things, have thoughts, perceptions, and they do not stay in the boxes that we try to put them in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. OP you're getting a lot of bad advice. At 35 he should still have a drive. This is likely due to the following:
Depression
Anxiety due to stress as work or home
Low T

Sometimes medication can kill it. I know veterans on drugs for PTSD that kill sex drive. Is he on mess?

If not, seriously schedule a physical for him and they can check T levels, among other things. If he tells his doc he has no sex drive they'll do it for him. Anything below 250 is really low. Anything below 400 some doctors will consider low for a 35 year old.

If he's fat and out of shape - this can contribute to low T and thus low drive. Oh yeah...and diabetes.

Low T and anxiety could be a reason. Overall he is thin and in relatively good shape (he exercises regularly, goes for runs, eats healthy). But he doesn't seem very healthy these days. He seems tired, a bit worn out with big bags under his eyes. He is often cold and a bit pale. I am not into Chinese medicine but it looks like there is not enough energy circulating in his body.

He needs to see the Dr. Maybe he is anemic. Maybe he is worn out from sleep apnea. Maybe some other hormone problem other than low T like high Prolactin. Take him for acupuncture and Chinese herbs too.

It could be that he is asexual. If so then he needs to let you have a boy toy to preserve your marriage for the kids. Forced celibacy isn't fair...for men or women. Yes I think the same thing when the roles are reversed.

But I think what is key is he needs to put some effort into making things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, OP,

for what it's worth, my husband has a low sex drive and doesn't need to ejaculate very often, and certainly less than once a week. It's been like this for years, we lived in a one bedroom apartment and a tiny house and spend days on end together with every minute accounted for: so it IS physically possible.

However I am happy with the low sex drive because mine is even lower.

I am very sorry you are not well-matched in that regard, and I hope you can explore other ways to regain intimacy in your marriage. It doesn't need to come from sex, and all the people telling you that sex is necessary for a happy marriage clearly haven't given it much thought.

No offense, but anyone with a normal sex drive doesn't really care what a low sex drive person thinks about sex. Just because you are content in a sexless marriage doesn't mean that others should settle for that. Most people need sex. Period. If your partner can't or won't engage, then you'll need to get it elsewhere. Coparent and have an open marriage? Once you find a real lover you can plan your escape.

I am a normal drive person, and I absolutely care what a low drive person thinks. What is wrong with you?

Are you a normal drive 35 year old woman in a sexless marriage? How is it helpful to hear from a low drive person who isn't interested in sex and is relieved that her husband isn't either? She doesn't want to have sex with her husband, while the op does. Apples and watermelons.

The bottom line is that you really can't sustain a truly happy marriage if one person isn't satisfied.

So low drive people have to shut up and be quiet? Yes, because your diatribes against low drive people add so much to the thread...

You seem angry. Maybe go jerk off or something

Obviously, what the PP is trying to say, is that when receiving or giving advice, it would be nice if you can actually relate to the situation. If I wanted advice on how to handle my period, I probably wouldn't go to a man or to a young girl that has never had her period. If I wanted advice about money, I probably wouldn't go to someone who doesn't have any.

Good god. Learn to read and comprehend instead of get defensive and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And ladies, this is EXACTLY why you don't get married.

They promise you a foot long and deliver a cocktail weenie.

Yeah..instead be the bitter, dried up single woman in her forties no one wants - like half of DCUM.

Sounds better than being deceived. Anyway, they have lube for being dry. Nothing fixes a cocktail weenie.

OK, this is the part where old women with loose sloppy vaginas complain that men have small penises. It's getting really old and no one believes your cheap little insult.

Er, seems the post has hit a major nerve... oops....

You still here? Don't you have a man to go annoy? Oh wait - you don't. No one likes you.

Time for you to out down the phone and shove more Ben and jerrys down you fat face and cry.

First I'll out the phone, then I shove ice cream onto my face... this fic just keeps getting more bizarre. I'll be honest, I don't know if it's gonna sell well.

You sound like a child. NP, but seriously, why are you even engaging? Obviously, you two should probably date because your'e both immature and ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him get his T checked. Seriously.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it's low. If he's not into sex ask him for an open marriage. See if the fact he has to compete with other men rules him up.

OP here, he freaked out when I mentioned open mariage which I found very unfair..

Well, he can't have it both ways. If he knew he was low drive, he should have told you before the marriage. I hate to say this, but it is a gender roles issue. If this were a man, complaining about his wife, all the guys in DCUM would be telling him that he has the right to step out on his marriage because she is breaking the marriage contract by not having sex with him... How should it be any different for a woman if her husband isn't providing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. OP you're getting a lot of bad advice. At 35 he should still have a drive. This is likely due to the following:
Depression
Anxiety due to stress as work or home
Low T

Sometimes medication can kill it. I know veterans on drugs for PTSD that kill sex drive. Is he on mess?

If not, seriously schedule a physical for him and they can check T levels, among other things. If he tells his doc he has no sex drive they'll do it for him. Anything below 250 is really low. Anything below 400 some doctors will consider low for a 35 year old.

If he's fat and out of shape - this can contribute to low T and thus low drive. Oh yeah...and diabetes.

Low T and anxiety could be a reason. Overall he is thin and in relatively good shape (he exercises regularly, goes for runs, eats healthy). But he doesn't seem very healthy these days. He seems tired, a bit worn out with big bags under his eyes. He is often cold and a bit pale. I am not into Chinese medicine but it looks like there is not enough energy circulating in his body.

What the fuck does bad circulation have to do with Chinese medicine???

[Anonymous]

Another vote for testosterone.

The gender expectations make this a very different discussion than if it was a DH with a higher libido. Not much about dates, housework, reconnecting, etc.

[Anonymous]

temperature changes plus low energy is symptomatic of severely low thyroid. But here's the thing. If he has always been like this, and had his thyroid checked from time to time, it's probably something in his head more than his body. We can all speculate, but the bottom line is he is a selfish jerk for not addressing this or trying to compromise.

You have my permission to cheat on him, if you need that from an anonymous person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op could you answer the vagina question so we can rule that out and move on to other advice

OP here: C section for first child, libido dipped already after that one. I asked him not to look for second but he did. He seemed perefectly fine but I could imagine something linked to seeing me as a mother now more than anything. I will ask him about the vagina issue.

However my gut feeling is that it is not that, or at least not only that. I didn't want to see it, our life was packed, we were very busy, but already before we had kids his libido was not what you expect the libido of a 30 year old man to be. A lot of it makes sense now. How he doesn't have a wandering eye, how he is not looking at me really when I am naked (to get changed for ex.). I used to find that classy compared to my previous boyfriends ..ha .. what an idiot..

Are you a troll? Who does this?

[Anonymous]

It's been mentioned above but childhood sexual abuse can cause men to shut down sexually as adults. I lived in a sexless marriage for years and my ex would say he was just tired or stressed and refuse to talk about it. He wasn't cheating or a porn addict. He was angry, depressed, and abusing alcohol. Took a over a year of therapy before he was able to disclose that he had suffered abuse as a young teen. Despite a very long marriage he had never been able to share that with me. Not saying this is the case with your husband but it was something I never even guessed was affecting mine.
I feel for you OP. It can really wreck your self-esteem and is especially hard if your SO doesn't understand how you are affected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him get his T checked. Seriously.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it's low. If he's not into sex ask him for an open marriage. See if the fact he has to compete with other men rules him up.

OP here, he freaked out when I mentioned open mariage which I found very unfair..

Well, he can't have it both ways. If he knew he was low drive, he should have told you before the marriage. I hate to say this, but it is a gender roles issue. If this were a man, complaining about his wife, all the guys in DCUM would be telling him that he has the right to step out on his marriage because she is breaking the marriage contract by not having sex with him... How should it be any different for a woman if her husband isn't providing?

I don't think anyone is proposing this as a first step.

First steps would be to see a doctor/counselor, etc.

I have trouble believing that a formerly sexual guy suddenly became "asexual" without a medical issue of some kind. Not at thirty-five.