just realized my DH is probably asexual: so sad and angry. It is hopeless right?

[Anonymous]

I don't get the "porn addict" suggestions. This sounds like conservative mumbo jumbo. No man prefers porn over a woman that he is attracted to, and is obviously available and there aren't resentment issues.

It has to either be something medical, or he was born that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "porn addict" suggestions. This sounds like conservative mumbo jumbo. No man prefers porn over a woman that he is attracted to, and is obviously available and there aren't resentment issues.

It has to either be something medical, or he was born that way.

Wrong. Some porn addicts can only perform with porn. Fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him get his T checked. Seriously.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it's low. If he's not into sex ask him for an open marriage. See if the fact he has to compete with other men rules him up.

OP here, he freaked out when I mentioned open mariage which I found very unfair..

Challenge him on this. Exactly WHY is he "freaked out" ?
If sex is so important that he is freaked out by you going outside, then why is it NOT important enough for him to have regular sex with you?

He cannot have it both ways.
Either sex is unimportant: you are free to go do that unimportant thing outside.
Or sex is important: schedule this every saturday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "porn addict" suggestions. This sounds like conservative mumbo jumbo. No man prefers porn over a woman that he is attracted to, and is obviously available and there aren't resentment issues.

It has to either be something medical, or he was born that way.

Wrong. Some porn addicts can only perform with porn. Fact.

This sounds like a facile interpretation. Porn is a substitute. Someone who can only perform with porn is probably not attracted to his partner. Or, perhaps so out of shape that regular sex is physically difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "porn addict" suggestions. This sounds like conservative mumbo jumbo. No man prefers porn over a woman that he is attracted to, and is obviously available and there aren't resentment issues.

It has to either be something medical, or he was born that way.

Wrong. Some porn addicts can only perform with porn. Fact.

This sounds like a facile interpretation. Porn is a substitute. Someone who can only perform with porn is probably not attracted to his partner. Or, perhaps so out of shape that regular sex is physically difficult.

You don't know what you're talking about. That doesn't stop you, though, does it. Try reading about porn addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have him get his T checked. Seriously.

I'll bet dollars to doughnuts it's low. If he's not into sex ask him for an open marriage. See if the fact he has to compete with other men rules him up.

OP here, he freaked out when I mentioned open mariage which I found very unfair..

Well, he can't have it both ways. If he knew he was low drive, he should have told you before the marriage. I hate to say this, but it is a gender roles issue. If this were a man, complaining about his wife, all the guys in DCUM would be telling him that he has the right to step out on his marriage because she is breaking the marriage contract by not having sex with him... How should it be any different for a woman if her husband isn't providing?

Guy here. She does have the right to step out. He is breaking the marriage contract.
It's not different.

[Anonymous]

Agree with him that you can get your physical fulfillment elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "porn addict" suggestions. This sounds like conservative mumbo jumbo. No man prefers porn over a woman that he is attracted to, and is obviously available and there aren't resentment issues.

It has to either be something medical, or he was born that way.

Wrong. Some porn addicts can only perform with porn. Fact.

This sounds like a facile interpretation. Porn is a substitute. Someone who can only perform with porn is probably not attracted to his partner. Or, perhaps so out of shape that regular sex is physically difficult.

You don't know what you're talking about. That doesn't stop you, though, does it. Try reading about porn addiction.

NP here, this is very real. I have been living it. My husband and I had sex regularly, though not incredibly frequently (once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less). At times he would turn me down or engage begrudgingly when I initiated. I found out that he had an entire secret fantasy life involving sexual roleplay and porn that he would engage in late at night after I went to bed. I figured he was working late or watching TV to unwind. I knew he had to be rubbing one out and watching porn from time to time, but I didn't realize the scope of the issue. We're talking about HOURS AND HOURS, and worse, choosing cybersex when I was ready and willing to have more real life sex. Anyway, we're in a better place now, but it was really a trip when that one came to light!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imagine if the gender roles were reversed, like usual. The harpies would be complaining that the husband should still love her for who she is and not try to have sex wth her because that would be rape and that the husband is so self centered, because she's tired and why can't he understand that?

This is such a great point. It is completely accurate too. At some point, people need to start looking at things as the way they are. It's not about sex, race, religion... People are still human. And ALL human's go through issues. The problems that we have as a HUMAN RACE is that we have to group things and then have expectations for those groups. HUMANS go through things, have thoughts, perceptions, and they do not stay in the boxes that we try to put them in.

There are those posters, but on a recent thread, there were still plenty of women saying that they have sex to keep their DHs satisfied even when they're not in the mood and that this is good for marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP here, this is very real. I have been living it. My husband and I had sex regularly, though not incredibly frequently (once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less). At times he would turn me down or engage begrudgingly when I initiated. I found out that he had an entire secret fantasy life involving sexual roleplay and porn that he would engage in late at night after I went to bed. I figured he was working late or watching TV to unwind. I knew he had to be rubbing one out and watching porn from time to time, but I didn't realize the scope of the issue. We're talking about HOURS AND HOURS, and worse, choosing cybersex when I was ready and willing to have more real life sex. Anyway, we're in a better place now, but it was really a trip when that one came to light!

I can definitely see going down the rabbit hole if there is a kink or kinks that you are afraid to share with your significant other. I've got some filthy things I'd enjoy but I'm not really comfortable telling my DW about it. Our sex life is pretty stale and intermittent. Based on some erotica choices of hers that I've stumbled across from time to time, I think she has some non-traditional preferences that might get her revved up. But I've been unable to draw her out. Once I suggested that we take the "mojoupgrade.com" test, but she cried at the suggestion because she regarded it as pressure to have more sex. (MojoUpgrade has both partners take a quiz, then only reveals kinks that both sides have expressed an interest in.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here, this is very real. I have been living it. My husband and I had sex regularly, though not incredibly frequently (once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less). At times he would turn me down or engage begrudgingly when I initiated. I found out that he had an entire secret fantasy life involving sexual roleplay and porn that he would engage in late at night after I went to bed. I figured he was working late or watching TV to unwind. I knew he had to be rubbing one out and watching porn from time to time, but I didn't realize the scope of the issue. We're talking about HOURS AND HOURS, and worse, choosing cybersex when I was ready and willing to have more real life sex. Anyway, we're in a better place now, but it was really a trip when that one came to light!

I can definitely see going down the rabbit hole if there is a kink or kinks that you are afraid to share with your significant other. I've got some filthy things I'd enjoy but I'm not really comfortable telling my DW about it. Our sex life is pretty stale and intermittent. Based on some erotica choices of hers that I've stumbled across from time to time, I think she has some non-traditional preferences that might get her revved up. But I've been unable to draw her out. Once I suggested that we take the "mojoupgrade.com" test, but she cried at the suggestion because she regarded it as pressure to have more sex. (MojoUpgrade has both partners take a quiz, then only reveals kinks that both sides have expressed an interest in.)

Sounds like she has issues, man. I guess you probably know this. I would say though that perhaps if you share the things that you are embarrassed to share, she will be more likely to open up about her own things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP here, this is very real. I have been living it. My husband and I had sex regularly, though not incredibly frequently (once a week, sometimes more, sometimes less). At times he would turn me down or engage begrudgingly when I initiated. I found out that he had an entire secret fantasy life involving sexual roleplay and porn that he would engage in late at night after I went to bed. I figured he was working late or watching TV to unwind. I knew he had to be rubbing one out and watching porn from time to time, but I didn't realize the scope of the issue. We're talking about HOURS AND HOURS, and worse, choosing cybersex when I was ready and willing to have more real life sex. Anyway, we're in a better place now, but it was really a trip when that one came to light!

I can definitely see going down the rabbit hole if there is a kink or kinks that you are afraid to share with your significant other. I've got some filthy things I'd enjoy but I'm not really comfortable telling my DW about it. Our sex life is pretty stale and intermittent. Based on some erotica choices of hers that I've stumbled across from time to time, I think she has some non-traditional preferences that might get her revved up. But I've been unable to draw her out. Once I suggested that we take the "mojoupgrade.com" test, but she cried at the suggestion because she regarded it as pressure to have more sex. (MojoUpgrade has both partners take a quiz, then only reveals kinks that both sides have expressed an interest in.)

Sounds like she has issues, man. I guess you probably know this. I would say though that perhaps if you share the things that you are embarrassed to share, she will be more likely to open up about her own things.

I'm the first poster quoted above, and my husband's main issue was that he wasn't comfortable expressing any sexual preferences... even as simple as saying that he would like if I surprised him with lingerie! The more private things were obviously not going to be brought up. Also, once he was in the habit of seeking gratification online (which started long before me) it was pretty much just another hobby. He has some kinks, but honestly they are pretty tame in the grand scheme of things. I had no idea he was so repressed! It has made a huge difference to open up that line of communication. I'm still kind of pissed at him about various things, but lack of sex is no longer a problem and we're going to be alright overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough with the low T. It's not that.

Men...and especially young men...need to ejaculate. They can't go six months or a year without ejaculating. Period.

Your husband IS ejaculating...but not with you. So you need to find out if he's masturbating to porn or cheating. It's one or the other...even if it's not happening regularly.

My husband calls himself a "sexual camel." he needs to, but only 3 or 4 times a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will make Op even more resentful, IMHO, to "work" for it when he's not interested AT ALL. It's humiliating.

Bingo. After 7 years of frustration in my marriage, I found myself a man who also was really into sex. It's just leagues better than being mismatched. And even though he would never, ever admit it to me, my exH is relieved he no longer has to have sex on a frequent schedule. He has dated a bit but according to the kids, nothing serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only person I know who is totally asexual (as in 50 years old and no sexual partners ever) was sexually abused as a child. I very much hope this is not the situation for your husband, but it could be.

It's weird because it has the opposite affect on men and women. The women I know of who were sexually abused went overboard. The men shit down.

Purely anecdotal of course.

Dated a guy who had been sexually abused. He had a normal enough sex drive but didn't ascribe any moral or emotional component to sex. And didn't want to hear about me self pleasuring, which I thought was very weird. Most guys really dig that kind of talk.