Reply to When a friend confides about a really major secret and it changes things...

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[quote=Anonymous]NP, and honestly OP you said something twice that really makes me think your reaction is a combination of beign about your friend's actual indescretions, but equally as much (or more!) about the fact that YOU are totally shocked and surprised and would have never seen this coming.

You sound more disconcerted by the fact that a close friend of yours has surprised you with their behavior in a way you like it makes you question your instinct, your perceptions, your own ability to really "know" your world and the people in it.  As you said, it freaks people out when others really, drastically surprise them.

You need to take a break from thinking about it for a couple of days and then come back to it and ask yourself (even make a written list - and then tear it up) about what bothers you most about the whole thing, maybe the top 5 things that bother you and freak you out.  You may learn something about yourself if you ask yourself that.

I like that you admitted that you're a little jealous too.  Maybe another part of what freaks you out is you're wondering if you can trust your friend around your own husband?  You mention that she's very pretty and in good shape, is it possible she's triggered some insecurities in you (not saying you're not pretty or in good shape!  But even pretty people can feel insecure around others at times.)?

Another question I have is, do you know others in your life who've had affairs and did it bother you this much?  If not, what is it about this situation that's different?  If so, maybe it is just morally objectionable to you (as it is to me) and maybe you just really get upset and turned off by all people who make that choice, and it's not just about this particular friend.

Last thing, I think it's great that you recognize that you're in different placed in your lives (her marrying in early 20s, you in mid-30s).  That really DOES make a difference and if she feels like she got something out of her system, she may never be even tempted to do this again.  I got married in my mid-30s as well and I had a LOT of fun before that.  Since being married there have been times I've had amazing chemistry with men other than my DH, but I don't need to go there, I have an idea of what it's like (which is great!), but I also have an idea of what is at stake and I choose my husband and family all the time.  But if I'd never had those other experiences, I can see how it might feel too new and amazing to turn down.  It's not an excuse for affairs - really, there's no excuse for affairs in my book - but people are human and sometimes there are factors that make the fact that it happens more understandable than others.[/quote]

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