Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

It might be a relationship issue between FIL and MIL. Since he's so good with kids, and she's never had any, she might have felt inept and inadequate, and he (if he's a little old-fashioned) might have been a little disappointed in her lack of motherliness. If the experience caused them relationship issues, they are not going to tell you about it, but both will be resentful of it.

I'd say let it go and like a PP said, be the bigger person. And know in the future that they're not up to having the kids stay with them. (just for anyone else considering having someone watch the kids while they're on vacation--- I would have tried harder to persuade them to stay at your house. It would have been SO much easier for the kids, and thus for them also.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It might be a relationship issue between FIL and MIL. Since he's so good with kids, and she's never had any, she might have felt inept and inadequate, and he (if he's a little old-fashioned) might have been a little disappointed in her lack of motherliness. If the experience caused them relationship issues, they are not going to tell you about it, but both will be resentful of it.

I'd say let it go and like a PP said, be the bigger person. And know in the future that they're not up to having the kids stay with them. (just for anyone else considering having someone watch the kids while they're on vacation--- I would have tried harder to persuade them to stay at your house. It would have been SO much easier for the kids, and thus for them also.)

OP here

I think this is part of it. Although she is generally wonderful to us, FIL's wife was totally overwhelmed (i.e. calling me at 5am on vacation and saying "You need to make other arrangements for the baby") and he might be caught in a tight spot between her and us where he feels like he has to support her. He didnt even know that she called me and said that the baby had actually slept right through the night and he wasnt sure why she was so upset. She also got sick while we were away and was late to work one day bc carpool was late.

I tend to be a problem-fixer, so giving people space is not my strongest skill but I will try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

I don't understand why you didn't just make your kids wear pull-ups to bed instead of "warning" them about the accidents. They probably didn't take your warnings that seriously and things spiraled out of control from there.

I don't agree with their attitude toward it since they did accept the responsibility, but don't fight back - that's just creating more unnecessary drama. Bottom line, they did you a favor and it sounds like a misunderstanding, so no need to prove anyone was right or wrong. They're probably just tired and cranky, as others have said, and they'll eventually get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they were ill prepared to take on the task for such an extended length of time. I don't think it was your fault or their fault. I bet that they are just dead dog tired and it's going to take a while for them to have enough rest and distance from the trip to be able to look back on it without resentment.

I would just continue to apologize that it was so hard on them, and let them know that you appreciate everything they did. Be the bigger person here for a while. Give them a couple of months to recover. Then, you can sit down and talk about it (or not).

People forget how hard it is to take care of kids. Even parents of teens forget how hard it is to look after babies and toddlers. And older folks don't have the stamina to survive it as long.

I agree with this.

I have to ask: What was this "once in a lifetime" trip? Because if I had kids that young (especially the baby), I cannot think of any trip, absent a bona fide emergency one, that I would feel compelled to take to be away from them for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

I don't understand why you didn't just make your kids wear pull-ups to bed instead of "warning" them about the accidents. They probably didn't take your warnings that seriously and things spiraled out of control from there.

I don't agree with their attitude toward it since they did accept the responsibility, but don't fight back - that's just creating more unnecessary drama. Bottom line, they did you a favor and it sounds like a misunderstanding, so no need to prove anyone was right or wrong. They're probably just tired and cranky, as others have said, and they'll eventually get over it.

I agree with no fighting back - its why DH is going to keep his mouth shut when we sit down with them.

We dont put them in pull-ups bc if we take them to the bathroom at 10pm (which we instructed FIL to do and which he has done many times while babysitting), they dont have accidents 90% of the time. They have been out of pull-ups for 1-2 years but we continue this "sleep pee" until we know they can wake up dry. In a diff environment, I guess it was just a fluke that they had a couple accidents. Maybe they had too much to drink before bed? I have no ides why it happened but we warned them it could happen and gave them plastic sheets just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

I don't understand why you didn't just make your kids wear pull-ups to bed instead of "warning" them about the accidents. They probably didn't take your warnings that seriously and things spiraled out of control from there.

I don't agree with their attitude toward it since they did accept the responsibility, but don't fight back - that's just creating more unnecessary drama. Bottom line, they did you a favor and it sounds like a misunderstanding, so no need to prove anyone was right or wrong. They're probably just tired and cranky, as others have said, and they'll eventually get over it.

OP mentioned hiring a mother's helper and that the baby was dropped off with the nanny at her own home daily. The 3 went to the MIL house from after school until 7pm at which time they were all shuttled to FIL/wife with a strict bedtime of 7:30 pm. Wife was late for work and FIL/wife might have had to reduce work commitments. They are not retired. The kids were most likely off since they had the shuttle. MIL got the premade meals. Bedwetters with no pull-ups. Teething baby.

Which of the 3 households had the mother's helper and why didn't the kids just stay in OP's house with the nanny and all grandparents just rotate on dropping in for the evening and dinner with the kids?

[Anonymous]

And did the document include no pull-ups? Just speculating but that would be a large area of contention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

I don't understand why you didn't just make your kids wear pull-ups to bed instead of "warning" them about the accidents. They probably didn't take your warnings that seriously and things spiraled out of control from there.

I don't agree with their attitude toward it since they did accept the responsibility, but don't fight back - that's just creating more unnecessary drama. Bottom line, they did you a favor and it sounds like a misunderstanding, so no need to prove anyone was right or wrong. They're probably just tired and cranky, as others have said, and they'll eventually get over it.

OP mentioned hiring a mother's helper and that the baby was dropped off with the nanny at her own home daily. The 3 went to the MIL house from after school until 7pm at which time they were all shuttled to FIL/wife with a strict bedtime of 7:30 pm. Wife was late for work and FIL/wife might have had to reduce work commitments. They are not retired. The kids were most likely off since they had the shuttle. MIL got the premade meals. Bedwetters with no pull-ups. Teething baby.

Which of the 3 households had the mother's helper and why didn't the kids just stay in OP's house with the nanny and all grandparents just rotate on dropping in for the evening and dinner with the kids?

Not that it really matters but kids went home after school and MIL stayed with them here and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed and then dropped them at FIL just to sleep. In the morning, they dropped baby back at home where the nanny watches him (not at nanny's home). Mother's helper was for MIL from 4-7, figuring FIL + wife could take care of them from 7-7:30 (not a strict bedtime, just a general guideline) when they went to sleep. They only had to give the kids breakfast (cereal and milk, which I provided).

Other than being late for work that one day, they didnt have to reduce any other work commitments that I know about and I am sure they would have mentioned it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they were ill prepared to take on the task for such an extended length of time. I don't think it was your fault or their fault. I bet that they are just dead dog tired and it's going to take a while for them to have enough rest and distance from the trip to be able to look back on it without resentment.

I would just continue to apologize that it was so hard on them, and let them know that you appreciate everything they did. Be the bigger person here for a while. Give them a couple of months to recover. Then, you can sit down and talk about it (or not).

People forget how hard it is to take care of kids. Even parents of teens forget how hard it is to look after babies and toddlers. And older folks don't have the stamina to survive it as long.

I agree with this.

I have to ask: What was this "once in a lifetime" trip? Because if I had kids that young (especially the baby), I cannot think of any trip, absent a bona fide emergency one, that I would feel compelled to take to be away from them for so long.

What, if you don't deem the location 'worthy,' then OP deserves judgment?

[Anonymous]

You need to walk into this with a humbled attitude. "What can we do or say to make things better going forward? We really value our relationship with you."

They may just need time to recover.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be a relationship issue between FIL and MIL. Since he's so good with kids, and she's never had any, she might have felt inept and inadequate, and he (if he's a little old-fashioned) might have been a little disappointed in her lack of motherliness. If the experience caused them relationship issues, they are not going to tell you about it, but both will be resentful of it.

I'd say let it go and like a PP said, be the bigger person. And know in the future that they're not up to having the kids stay with them. (just for anyone else considering having someone watch the kids while they're on vacation--- I would have tried harder to persuade them to stay at your house. It would have been SO much easier for the kids, and thus for them also.)

OP here

I think this is part of it. Although she is generally wonderful to us, FIL's wife was totally overwhelmed (i.e. calling me at 5am on vacation and saying "You need to make other arrangements for the baby") and he might be caught in a tight spot between her and us where he feels like he has to support her. He didnt even know that she called me and said that the baby had actually slept right through the night and he wasnt sure why she was so upset. She also got sick while we were away and was late to work one day bc carpool was late.

I tend to be a problem-fixer, so giving people space is not my strongest skill but I will try.

Yeah, I think this probably has a lot to do with it but I will also say that you had poor judgement in believing that a women who never had any experience full time with young children was going to be ok with 3 young kids for the duration of the trip.

Spending limited time with your kids while you are present is no where near the same thing as having to spend 24/7 with them and be responsible for their needs. Add in the fact, it's a new place for the kids, the kids aren't super familiar with them, and your kids missed you, their house and their routine.

You both share the blame but there is no fix to the situation. It happened. It's over. You know their limits. They know their limits. If anything, I would meet with them and ask if they have any outstanding requests for cleaning or compensation for supplies that you need to meet and agree that in hindsight this wasn't the ideal situation and then let it go. Get in touch with them in a few weeks and invite them to something casual and try and rebuild from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.

I don't understand why you didn't just make your kids wear pull-ups to bed instead of "warning" them about the accidents. They probably didn't take your warnings that seriously and things spiraled out of control from there.

I don't agree with their attitude toward it since they did accept the responsibility, but don't fight back - that's just creating more unnecessary drama. Bottom line, they did you a favor and it sounds like a misunderstanding, so no need to prove anyone was right or wrong. They're probably just tired and cranky, as others have said, and they'll eventually get over it.

OP mentioned hiring a mother's helper and that the baby was dropped off with the nanny at her own home daily. The 3 went to the MIL house from after school until 7pm at which time they were all shuttled to FIL/wife with a strict bedtime of 7:30 pm. Wife was late for work and FIL/wife might have had to reduce work commitments. They are not retired. The kids were most likely off since they had the shuttle. MIL got the premade meals. Bedwetters with no pull-ups. Teething baby.

Which of the 3 households had the mother's helper and why didn't the kids just stay in OP's house with the nanny and all grandparents just rotate on dropping in for the evening and dinner with the kids?

Not that it really matters but kids went home after school and MIL stayed with them here and gave them dinner and got them ready for bed and then dropped them at FIL just to sleep. In the morning, they dropped baby back at home where the nanny watches him (not at nanny's home). Mother's helper was for MIL from 4-7, figuring FIL + wife could take care of them from 7-7:30 (not a strict bedtime, just a general guideline) when they went to sleep. They only had to give the kids breakfast (cereal and milk, which I provided).

Other than being late for work that one day, they didnt have to reduce any other work commitments that I know about and I am sure they would have mentioned it.

Oh gosh, that all kind of sounds like a nightmare logistically. I'm not surprised it feel apart. OP, it doesn't seem like it was anyone's fault and it's obviously a situation that should be avoided moving forward. I hope you are able to mend this relationship with FIL and his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like they were ill prepared to take on the task for such an extended length of time. I don't think it was your fault or their fault. I bet that they are just dead dog tired and it's going to take a while for them to have enough rest and distance from the trip to be able to look back on it without resentment.

I would just continue to apologize that it was so hard on them, and let them know that you appreciate everything they did. Be the bigger person here for a while. Give them a couple of months to recover. Then, you can sit down and talk about it (or not).

People forget how hard it is to take care of kids. Even parents of teens forget how hard it is to look after babies and toddlers. And older folks don't have the stamina to survive it as long.

I agree with this.

I have to ask: What was this "once in a lifetime" trip? Because if I had kids that young (especially the baby), I cannot think of any trip, absent a bona fide emergency one, that I would feel compelled to take to be away from them for so long.

What, if you don't deem the location 'worthy,' then OP deserves judgment?

I think that with three little kids (one a baby), stuff comes up no matter how well-prepared you may think you are. I think it is a LOT to impose on anyone, leaving three little kids for a whole week.

I don't know what kind of a trip would merit doing this.

So I guess that yes, I judge.

At the same time, I think FIL and his wife were and are out of line.

[Anonymous]

OP again

I did consider pull-ups, but the fight that would have ensued in FIL trying to get the kids who do not wear pull-ups into pull-ups for that week seemed like it would have been worse than changing the sheets in the (what seemed to be unlikely but turned out to be more likely than I thought) event that they had an accident.

[Anonymous]

Obviously expectations and reality were not in line - for everyone. Now you know. I think all you need to say is "I think we can all acknowledge that things did not work out as planned and we all know more than we did. I hope we can go from here with a fresh start." And then NEVER ask them to babysit over night again.

FWIW, DH and I had our first weekend together without children last summer (we had three previous "one night stands", planned around sleep overs). Our children were 16 and 14 last summer. Count yourself lucky you had as much time as you did and hunker down until your children are older.