Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)
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Anonymous
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Let me start by saying we love my FIL and his wife and they have always been great to us and the kids. They live 3 blocks away and we see them at least once a week. We generally have a great relationship
DH and I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to go on vacation for a week without the kids (ages 6, 4 and 10 months). FIL and wife and MIL (who we also get along with and also lives nearby) said they would be happy to watch them while we were away. They have babysat a million times and the older ones have slept there before but this was definitely the longest we had left them. Before we left, I asked if they would stay by us, thinking it would be easier for the kids but they wanted the kids to sleep by them. No problem. I drafted an extensive child care document, pre-made meals, pre-packed bags, hired a mother's helper, and gave lots of instructions to make it as easy as possible. FIL said "piece of cake!" They were only to be sleeping (7pm-8am and they go to sleep by 7:30) by FIL - MIL would have them after school and feed them and get them into pjs and drop them off at 7pm. Their carpool would pick them up for school at 8am and they would drop baby off with the nanny at my house on the way to school. 5 days into the trip, FIL's wife calls me on vacation and tells me "You need to make other arrangements for the baby, I cant take care of him anymore." Of course, I freak out, but I call a friend and MIL and make other arrangements. Then, on the day before we are due back, FIL's wife emails me that we need to send a carpet cleaner over immediately bc the older kids had accidents and the carpet is wet/dirty. We say we will take care of it when we get back. Since we got back, we got them gifts, said thank you a million times, but they have been extremely cold to us, reluctantly acknowledging that we got their entire house cleaned (not just the one room where the kids slept) and otherwise barely speaking to us. Last night, I called FIL and said that we were really upset about all this tension, how they made us feel like it was such an awful experience and we have such terrible kids. I acknowledged that taking care of the kids was much more difficult than they/we had anticipated (girls had accidents, carpool was late one day, baby cried more than usual - cut a tooth and away from me) but that I didnt feel like we had done anything wrong for them to be so angry and hostile. And he basically said that he felt we didnt properly prepare them and that we should have anticipated that they had jobs and we should have hired someone to stay in the house (which we offered to do but FIL said they would be fine with him). He even said they felt "manipulated" by us. We agreed to all sit down and talk about this in a few nights bc the relationship is important to all of us. My perspective: you did us a HUGE favor and it did not go as easily as planned and was actually quite difficult. But they are your grandchildren and you lost a couple hours of sleep and did some extra laundry but its over now and cant we all move forward? Does the (harsh/judging) DCUM world really believe that DH and I did anything wrong? Obviously, we could always have planned better. We warned them the kids might have accidents and gave some strategies for preventing them or making it easier to change them at night, but the blew off our suggestions. The baby has been sleeping through the night for 3 months, obviously, he might wake up but how was I to know that he would get up at 3 (at which time they fed him 2 oz of milk and he went right back to sleep)? They acknowledged the kids were really well-behaved, cooperated, didnt talk back, were very sweet, but the logistics were too much for them. What do you think? |
Anonymous
| You seem pretty dead set on the "well we told you so. We prepared you. Not my fault" type of mentality while FIL is telling you it was just too much. Instead of acknowledging that you seem hell bent on saying that was his fault. Honestly, if that is how you are acting, I can see why FIL is annoyed |
Anonymous
OP here I have acknowledged that it was too much for them 20 times since we got back and apologized as much as I can. But when he says "You didnt tell us x" and we did tell them x, how do I respond? |
Anonymous
| I am trying to figure out what else he might want to hear from you and can't come up with anything. |
Anonymous
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It sounds like they were ill prepared to take on the task for such an extended length of time. I don't think it was your fault or their fault. I bet that they are just dead dog tired and it's going to take a while for them to have enough rest and distance from the trip to be able to look back on it without resentment.
I would just continue to apologize that it was so hard on them, and let them know that you appreciate everything they did. Be the bigger person here for a while. Give them a couple of months to recover. Then, you can sit down and talk about it (or not). People forget how hard it is to take care of kids. Even parents of teens forget how hard it is to look after babies and toddlers. And older folks don't have the stamina to survive it as long. |
Anonymous
You just say you are sorry that you didn't think to discuss it beforehand. Obviously you couldn't think of everything -- but don't tell them that. Don't be defensive. Just say sorry and let it go. |
Anonymous
| Let some time pass. Don't hold everyone responsible for what is being said/felt now. Everyone is in recovery mode. Right now everyone needs their space. |
Anonymous
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Agree you just have to let it go and move on. It really doesn't matter who was right and wrong, and frankly sounds like a bit of a mix. Not that you intentionally did anything wrong but they clearly felt unprepared and hurt for whatever reason. Emotions are complex so could be lots of built up unrelated resentment, who knows.
Point is, say you are sorry, try to let go and move on from what they did wrong (because they likely could have handled it better) and, no more having them keep all three kids. |
Anonymous
| Does your FIL's wife have children? I guess I can see how a FIL might be clueless about how hard young kids are but if his wife had kids, she should know! I think they are being really harsh and need to get over it. Of course you can't say it that way. BTW, I have 3 kids, ages 6-10, and I have never left them for even one night (yes, I have issues) so it's not like I agree with you because this is something I have done before. |
Anonymous
| OP-- agree with the others. There's nothing you did wrong but FIL was not up for such a big task. Don't spend any energy justifying yourself. I agree that no one is "at fault." Just tell ILs that you're sorry it was such a burden, you appreciate it, is there anything else you can do? And let it go. |
Anonymous
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Regardless of what instructions you left for them, things are different when you're not there. I personally would not have left 2 kids and a baby for a week if I had not left them for a long weekend. It's a lot of work, when you're used to it. It's too much for someone not used to it. If you have a friend and MIL who were able to step in to help, could you have split the time before you left? We split a 5 day trip between 2 sets of grandparents.
We dog-sat, and the dog kept having accidents. Surely, the dog might not have had as many accidents with the owner, and the owner is more used to cleaning it up. I was disgusted having to clean it up and on edge the whole time that it would keep happening. I'm curious what the "once in a lifetime" trip was. |
Anonymous
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I think your inlaws sound awful, just awful. You have 3 young children and wanted to get away for a great trip. You planned everything reasonable (and then even planned more!) - child care plan, carpool, nanny helper for baby!
What the hell is wrong with your inlaws? Have they never cared for children? Are they cold fish? These are their grandchildren. Normal grandparents would be thrilled to have this kind of one on one experience with the kids. For them to act this way and then to insult your children (for acting like children, no less) is bizarre at best. I would be the one upset in this situation and the inlaws would have to work to earn back my respect and trust. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you did everything wrong. But the best laid plans of mice and men...
Just chalk it up to experience and move on. You can only apologize for the hassle to your FIL - if he doesn't accept it and continues to feel resentment, then you just have to wait for him to get over it. For what its worth, looking after 3 kids for a few days is not the hardest thing in the world, and it seems to me that they are massively overreacting. |
Anonymous
sorry, meant anything! |
Anonymous
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OP here again
We did try to split it up as much as possible with MIL doing the evenings (4-7pm) and FIL doing the nights (7pm-8am) and the older kids went to friends over the weekend. We even offered to have the nanny come on Saturday for the baby but they insisted they would be fine for one day and BIL came in to help them. FIL's wife never had any kids - they got married when she was 50 and she's an only child so she doesnt even have nieces and nephews and I TOTALLY understand that she was overwhelmed and did not quite realized how much work it is. FIL is incredibly capable - when he was in between jobs, he took care of our older kids and their cousins (ages 6, 4, 3, 3) for 2 weeks from 9-5 every day while they were between camp and school. I guess I have become so used to changing sheets, sleeping in 4 hr increments, loading the kids in and out of the car that I dont realize how hard those things actually are. I understand the feeling that it was tough, but I feel that anger and hostility is way too strong for 5 days of being inconvenienced (though I would NEVER say that to them) |