Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

Um, no. OP asked way, way too much of her family.

Sorry, OP, but you chose to have three (apparently) high maintenance kids. As long as they are young, incredible vacations are selfish on your part and should be totally off the table.

When your kids are older, fine. But now? You need to stay home and look after them yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heyyy guys I have an @sshole therefore my own opinion on this
Wow this thread is hot!!

Y'all sound so obviously American and uptight. Parents being "selfish" for wanting time to themselves? The parents didn't do JACK wrong by taking advantage of a chance to get away from the daily grind of family life for a week. Parent or not everyone deserves a break!! Tbh I think a parent deserves it more. We WERK 24/7!!! Don't look down your noses at us because we aren't as self-absorbed as you enough not to have children. Hah.

Some of you thinking of the BIL as being "burdened" by watching his nieces and nephews he chose to come help with?

Have y'all ever heard the saying IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, or nah??! It does literally require a village to raise a child. It's a communal thing. Helping each other to ease the pressure and stay sane. And the kid gets to bond/socialize with many people. Only here in America are families so isolated.

That concept and **NECESSITY** is completely lost in our "me me me F everyone else" culture. Everywhere else you travel, you'll see family members helping with the kids, always.
It ain't, "you chose to have them so they're your burden betch!"
It's "our babies are innocent blessings from above and we're here for one another"

I'm Hispanic and noooobody in my family would have an issue watching my son with reasonable accommodations. I'm close to many cousins because we spent a lot of funnnn times together at somebody's house, as children.

That child-less MIL was the one beefing HARD. She doesn't love the grandkids because they aren't her blood, plain and simple. She minded very much that them d*mned kids came and took over her home. She will never have the love and patience a blood relative will. She was selfish enough not to ruin her life with kids remember? What makes you think she'll be maternal enough for step grandkids? Boo hoo she chose to marry a dude with descendants.

I agree with the poster who said the source of anger and resentment is the MIL. All those accidents and arrangements to clean it up usually would be agreed on with understanding. But nope, she is loaded & annoyed. And FIL is doing what a husband does and is supporting her. He can't feel good about this.

Aanndd for you tight wads ready to attack my word usage and grammar...this is DC shawty.

Wow. Projecting much? Your persona is easily the most annoying I have ever read on DCUM.

You don't know that StepMIL is not maternal. I didn't marry until my 40s but that doesn't mean I didn't hope to have children. Not all of us are lucky enough to find a partner while we're still fertile. (I lucked out with a surprise pregnancy, but StepMIL at 51 may not have been as lucky.) It is neither selfish nor unreasonable to have found this situation annoying and difficult. You see the generation before the OP as selfish and uncaring. I see a post like yours reeking of entitlement and lack of care for others.

Empathy, Shawty. Try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people think they should have kids and still be able to live like they are singe. A week vacation????

Exactly, my kids are 14and12 and I wouldn't leave them for a week

Haven't read anything. I'm 40, and my parents started going on vacation without kids when I was about 2. It was great. I got to stay with relatives and friends (some of whom loved it and I loved, some of whom decided that they never wanted kids of their own). I turned out fine.

Your kids can handle you being away, parents. They will be fine. They will form their own (complicated) relationships with other people. You will get a chance to go be grownups alone for a bit. Everyone lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people think they should have kids and still be able to live like they are singe. A week vacation????

Exactly, my kids are 14and12 and I wouldn't leave them for a week

Haven't read anything. I'm 40, and my parents started going on vacation without kids when I was about 2. It was great. I got to stay with relatives and friends (some of whom loved it and I loved, some of whom decided that they never wanted kids of their own). I turned out fine.

Your kids can handle you being away, parents. They will be fine. They will form their own (complicated) relationships with other people. You will get a chance to go be grownups alone for a bit. Everyone lives.

Just a clarification: I'm 40 and my parents are not still leaving me with relatives when they go on vacation. What I mean is that I turned out fine.

[Anonymous]

"I'm Hispanic and noooobody in my family would have an issue watching my son with reasonable accommodations. I'm close to many cousins because we spent a lot of funnnn times together at somebody's house, as children.

That child-less MIL was the one beefing HARD. She doesn't love the grandkids because they aren't her blood, plain and simple. She minded very much that them d*mned kids came and took over her home. She will never have the love and patience a blood relative will. She was selfish enough not to ruin her life with kids remember? What makes you think she'll be maternal enough for step grandkids? Boo hoo she chose to marry a dude with descendants. "

Cray cray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:to all those posters who believe it's the grandparents' job to be able to take care of their kids are delusional. Unfortunately, not all GPs are like that. My MIL refused to even change a diaper. We had not even asked her to, she just announced it upon meeting our daughter at 6 weeks. (Needless to say, I will not be allowing my DD to visit her GPs by herself once she is older.)

Most people who are not used to taking care of very young children end up overwhelmed. Before I had kids, I helped my brother out while his wife was out for the weekend. he ended up falling asleep early on me and I dealt w/ my young niece who did not sleep through the night. I was extremely sleep deprived. I can't imagine how older people working full time would be able to function for over a week.

Asking anyone to take care of 3 kids, including one infant can be overwhelming. And no matter who they are parents are the only ones who can really take the peeing, pooing, vomiting, etc. w/o getting completely grossed out. Others get upset. Just like pet owners who don't seem to mind when their dogs piss all over their carpets.

if you want to go away again for that long, just pay a professional. you should just be grateful that they've helped out for as long as they did. they are entitled to feel what they do from that experience.

You seem to be projecting. OP did everything she could short of leaving the trip or having the nanny be sole provider to make it easier for tge grandparents. They never should have accepted if they were going to throw a bitchfest like this.

Giving loads of instructions does not make thing easier!! It makes them harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP -I totally get what you are saying. Here's what I have learned based on my experience. My in-laws and my parents both always say how they can handle things fine and will insist on this, even if I question them or recommend they get assistance, etc. In their minds, they have been parents to young children before so watching grandkids is the same, right? Even if you try to convince them otherwise, they will always insist that they can handle it. And, if your parents/in-laws are like mine, they can't. When they are in the middle of actually caring for the kids, this realization will sink in to them, and it will make them mad. They are older folks now and are not used to caring for kids and the mess and "charm" that kids bring. They think they are caring for them when you are there too, but as we know, you are doing the work and they are just spectators. Being the one in charge is completely different. When they realize this, they become angry and there is no one but you to take this anger out on. They will say you didn't "appreciate" what they did, etc., anything to deflect from the reality that they are no longer equipped to deal with child care for long periods of time. This reality hurts and it makes them mad. Also, as you know with kids, you need to be able to punt when things happen (spills, illness, poop, etc) and some grandparents, in their age, simply can't do this or are not used to it. So, any little problem, like poop, spilled milk, etc., flusters them to no end.

I've been there! If I were you, I would just let them simmer and leave them alone for a little while. Don't try to talk this out because they will not see your point of view. Let them simmer and leave them alone, then visit them or see them again and don't mention this experience again. Now, if they are like my family, after some time, they will forget all about this and again, insist they can handle the kids, feel free to leave them, etc. This has happened to me and I am always SHOCKED at their short memories. Don't, and I mean don't, let them convince you! Remember what happened this time and learn from it. Don't leave you kids with them again unless there is some support, and when I mean support, I mean someone who does everything while they just act like "grandparents." I, literally, had to write down my last experience with my parents so I could remember not to get suckered in by them again. They always insist that they can handle my kids and then freak out at little things, get frustrated, and subsequently take out their anger at me. Don't let this happen to you again.

Note that some grandparents are nothing like this. They are fabulous with the kids, spills and all. Also, my parents and in-laws are great people and normally great with my kids. But, they have limitations and are not secure enough in themselves to own and admit their limitations, which is why I have had this similar experience.

+1000. You nailed it, PP. You should write a parenting advice column.

This advice is bullshit. The crux of it is that grandparents are angry at themselves for not being up to the task of being parents. Not so! They are in fact angry at parents for making them perform what is not their job. Insofar as they are angry at themselves, it's for accepting to do it, not for not doing it well. The only correct thing in this advice is that people forget and their mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heyyy guys I have an @sshole therefore my own opinion on this
Wow this thread is hot!!

Y'all sound so obviously American and uptight. Parents being "selfish" for wanting time to themselves? The parents didn't do JACK wrong by taking advantage of a chance to get away from the daily grind of family life for a week. Parent or not everyone deserves a break!! Tbh I think a parent deserves it more. We WERK 24/7!!! Don't look down your noses at us because we aren't as self-absorbed as you enough not to have children. Hah.

Some of you thinking of the BIL as being "burdened" by watching his nieces and nephews he chose to come help with?

Have y'all ever heard the saying IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, or nah??! It does literally require a village to raise a child. It's a communal thing. Helping each other to ease the pressure and stay sane. And the kid gets to bond/socialize with many people. Only here in America are families so isolated.

That concept and **NECESSITY** is completely lost in our "me me me F everyone else" culture. Everywhere else you travel, you'll see family members helping with the kids, always.
It ain't, "you chose to have them so they're your burden betch!"
It's "our babies are innocent blessings from above and we're here for one another"

I'm Hispanic and noooobody in my family would have an issue watching my son with reasonable accommodations. I'm close to many cousins because we spent a lot of funnnn times together at somebody's house, as children.

That child-less MIL was the one beefing HARD. She doesn't love the grandkids because they aren't her blood, plain and simple. She minded very much that them d*mned kids came and took over her home. She will never have the love and patience a blood relative will. She was selfish enough not to ruin her life with kids remember? What makes you think she'll be maternal enough for step grandkids? Boo hoo she chose to marry a dude with descendants.

I agree with the poster who said the source of anger and resentment is the MIL. All those accidents and arrangements to clean it up usually would be agreed on with understanding. But nope, she is loaded & annoyed. And FIL is doing what a husband does and is supporting her. He can't feel good about this.

Aanndd for you tight wads ready to attack my word usage and grammar...this is DC shawty.

This is one of the best things I have read in a while. And by best I mean crazy and weird.

[Anonymous]

The problem is your husband is a passive wimp who can't stand up to his dad nor his step mom (fil's "wife" = second or third wife?)

The source of all the problems is the bitch evil step mom. Neither your FIL or your husband has the balls to stand up to her so it's left to you.

[Anonymous]

Wait--the kids had FOUR people caring for them--the FIL, his ex, and his wife, and some kind of child care help??? And they still couldn't hack it???

Some people love to live in a cloud of unnecessary drama. They TEND to be women. Here you've got too many cooks spoiling the broth and have no idea what sort of family politics was going on between FIL and his harem while you were away.

I say to all of you, shut up, and grow up, and act like adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heyyy guys I have an @sshole therefore my own opinion on this
Wow this thread is hot!!

Y'all sound so obviously American and uptight. Parents being "selfish" for wanting time to themselves? The parents didn't do JACK wrong by taking advantage of a chance to get away from the daily grind of family life for a week. Parent or not everyone deserves a break!! Tbh I think a parent deserves it more. We WERK 24/7!!! Don't look down your noses at us because we aren't as self-absorbed as you enough not to have children. Hah.

Some of you thinking of the BIL as being "burdened" by watching his nieces and nephews he chose to come help with?

Have y'all ever heard the saying IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, or nah??! It does literally require a village to raise a child. It's a communal thing. Helping each other to ease the pressure and stay sane. And the kid gets to bond/socialize with many people. Only here in America are families so isolated.

That concept and **NECESSITY** is completely lost in our "me me me F everyone else" culture. Everywhere else you travel, you'll see family members helping with the kids, always.
It ain't, "you chose to have them so they're your burden betch!"
It's "our babies are innocent blessings from above and we're here for one another"

I'm Hispanic and noooobody in my family would have an issue watching my son with reasonable accommodations. I'm close to many cousins because we spent a lot of funnnn times together at somebody's house, as children.

That child-less MIL was the one beefing HARD. She doesn't love the grandkids because they aren't her blood, plain and simple. She minded very much that them d*mned kids came and took over her home. She will never have the love and patience a blood relative will. She was selfish enough not to ruin her life with kids remember? What makes you think she'll be maternal enough for step grandkids? Boo hoo she chose to marry a dude with descendants.

I agree with the poster who said the source of anger and resentment is the MIL. All those accidents and arrangements to clean it up usually would be agreed on with understanding. But nope, she is loaded & annoyed. And FIL is doing what a husband does and is supporting her. He can't feel good about this.

Aanndd for you tight wads ready to attack my word usage and grammar...this is DC shawty.

it's kids like you that make me avoid my high ESL/FARMS rate local public school....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It might be a relationship issue between FIL and MIL. Since he's so good with kids, and she's never had any, she might have felt inept and inadequate, and he (if he's a little old-fashioned) might have been a little disappointed in her lack of motherliness. If the experience caused them relationship issues, they are not going to tell you about it, but both will be resentful of it.

I'd say let it go and like a PP said, be the bigger person. And know in the future that they're not up to having the kids stay with them. (just for anyone else considering having someone watch the kids while they're on vacation--- I would have tried harder to persuade them to stay at your house. It would have been SO much easier for the kids, and thus for them also.)

OP here

I think this is part of it. Although she is generally wonderful to us, FIL's wife was totally overwhelmed (i.e. calling me at 5am on vacation and saying "You need to make other arrangements for the baby") and he might be caught in a tight spot between her and us where he feels like he has to support her. He didnt even know that she called me and said that the baby had actually slept right through the night and he wasnt sure why she was so upset. She also got sick while we were away and was late to work one day bc carpool was late.

I tend to be a problem-fixer, so giving people space is not my strongest skill but I will try.

obv fil's wife is a prima donna. What's the backstory here? By any chance did fil have an affair with his wife and that's what broke up the marriage to mil? She sounds like a disruptive attention seeking selfish trouble maker who was probably cackling with witchy glee at the thought of ruining your time away by her 5am phone call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, no. OP asked way, way too much of her family.

Sorry, OP, but you chose to have three (apparently) high maintenance kids. As long as they are young, incredible vacations are selfish on your part and should be totally off the table.

When your kids are older, fine. But now? You need to stay home and look after them yourself.

Maybe, but are FIL, MIL, and FIL's current wife a collection of total imbeciles unable to calibrate their respective abilities to provide child care? Why is that OP's fault? They made a COMMITMENT and therefore that's their responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone is sensitive about their age. 51 is old.

How old is she?

She's so old she wears a 50 foot roll of bandage for a dress.

[Anonymous]

They need to get over it, thank them and let them know it will never happen again.They should have never accepted