Need a new perspective on problem with in-laws (long, sorry)

[Anonymous]

FIL helped raise his son, right? Shouldn't he know by now that kids are a handful? I think you did as much as you could to make the experience easier for them. At least you know to never leave the kids with them ever again. FIL and wife need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think they feel "manipulated"? I think that's a really strong emotion, and important to understand why they would feel that way to move past this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you did everything right, especially calling in the back-ups when they called you to let you know things weren't going well. I think the grandparents were so excited to have the kids for the week, they didn't realize or forgot kids are tough. I can't think of anything you could have done differently. Give them a lot of space and I would almost let them make the next move at this point. hope it all works out.

[Anonymous]

That was a lot to ask of them, the baby is ten months and you left the baby for a week, wow.

Maybe they think you are really selfish parents and are disgusted by you. It's certainly the vibe I get.
Hope the vac was relaxing because you don't seem so relaxed.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if your 4 and 6 year old having so many accidents is what put them over the edge. I'm not saying this is right or wrong but they probably feel they're too old for that.

I would chalk it all up to a mistake and give them some time and space to get over it. But yes, it was HARD and even with all of your preparations you shouldn't act defensive toward them because they allowed you your special trip.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 9:17--the baby had a nanny all day and the older two were at daycare and school, right? So they just had them for afterschool until bedtime and then in the morning before school? That's just a few hours of childcare per day-divided between 2 adults. With meals and things prepped to go? If they are young enough to both still be working, it shouldn't have been such a disaster. I don't get why they have such a huge chip on their shoulders.

I would have gone on the trip too, with that setup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again

We did try to split it up as much as possible with MIL doing the evenings (4-7pm) and FIL doing the nights (7pm-8am) and the older kids went to friends over the weekend. We even offered to have the nanny come on Saturday for the baby but they insisted they would be fine for one day and BIL came in to help them.

FIL's wife never had any kids - they got married when she was 50 and she's an only child so she doesnt even have nieces and nephews and I TOTALLY understand that she was overwhelmed and did not quite realized how much work it is.

FIL is incredibly capable - when he was in between jobs, he took care of our older kids and their cousins (ages 6, 4, 3, 3) for 2 weeks from 9-5 every day while they were between camp and school.

I guess I have become so used to changing sheets, sleeping in 4 hr increments, loading the kids in and out of the car that I dont realize how hard those things actually are.

I understand the feeling that it was tough, but I feel that anger and hostility is way too strong for 5 days of being inconvenienced (though I would NEVER say that to them)

They are old, they are exhausted. I don't think the hostility is too strong. They wee probably pissed that they wee getting up at night, cleaning pee while you were having the time if your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was a lot to ask of them, the baby is ten months and you left the baby for a week, wow.

Maybe they think you are really selfish parents and are disgusted by you. It's certainly the vibe I get.
Hope the vac was relaxing because you don't seem so relaxed.

Oh, let go of your pearls, Myrtle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That was a lot to ask of them, the baby is ten months and you left the baby for a week, wow.

Maybe they think you are really selfish parents and are disgusted by you. It's certainly the vibe I get.
Hope the vac was relaxing because you don't seem so relaxed.

Oh, let go of your pearls, Myrtle.

+1 I'm sure the baby wasn't psychologically damaged.

I think you did everything right OP. I would stop apologizing. Eventually, they stop being upset over an issue that they were a problem of.

[Anonymous]

I'd be annoyed at FIL for being so petty. He forgot how much work it is to raise kids, his fault. He's probably angry at himself more than at you. You sound reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again

We did try to split it up as much as possible with MIL doing the evenings (4-7pm) and FIL doing the nights (7pm-8am) and the older kids went to friends over the weekend. We even offered to have the nanny come on Saturday for the baby but they insisted they would be fine for one day and BIL came in to help them.

FIL's wife never had any kids - they got married when she was 50 and she's an only child so she doesnt even have nieces and nephews and I TOTALLY understand that she was overwhelmed and did not quite realized how much work it is.

FIL is incredibly capable - when he was in between jobs, he took care of our older kids and their cousins (ages 6, 4, 3, 3) for 2 weeks from 9-5 every day while they were between camp and school.

I guess I have become so used to changing sheets, sleeping in 4 hr increments, loading the kids in and out of the car that I dont realize how hard those things actually are.

I understand the feeling that it was tough, but I feel that anger and hostility is way too strong for 5 days of being inconvenienced (though I would NEVER say that to them)

They are old, they are exhausted. I don't think the hostility is too strong. They wee probably pissed that they wee getting up at night, cleaning pee while you were having the time if your life.

They shouldn't have accepted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your inlaws sound awful, just awful. You have 3 young children and wanted to get away for a great trip. You planned everything reasonable (and then even planned more!) - child care plan, carpool, nanny helper for baby!

What the hell is wrong with your inlaws? Have they never cared for children? Are they cold fish? These are their grandchildren. Normal grandparents would be thrilled to have this kind of one on one experience with the kids. For them to act this way and then to insult your children (for acting like children, no less) is bizarre at best. I would be the one upset in this situation and the inlaws would have to work to earn back my respect and trust.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

[Anonymous]

It really sounds like you had all your ducks in a row and tried to make all of it as easy as possible on the caretakers/family you had lined up. They have no right to be upset - mayeb tired and a little cranky but not at you guys, since they did offer.. Sorry you have to deal with it. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was probably unreasonable to leave three small kids, one being a baby, with an elderly couple for an entire week.

They were probably overwhelmed, tired, exhausted, frustrated. Having said that, they should get over it.

Did it not occur to you that it might be too much for them? Also, what is your husband's take on this since it's his father.

They arent elderly - they are 62 and 51.

DH is upset too, but he is more inclined to fight back to show how we did make it easy and did warn them about accidents, etc while I am trying to figure out the best approach to move forward. I dont care about being right, I just want to have a good relationship.