Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, the "if you like your life now" advice is kind of off target. What, people who DON'T like their lives should have a baby, see if that fixes it? No. You should go in to parenthood from a position of confidence and flexibility. I will say to examine your marriage beforehand. A strong, equal marriage makes parenthood fun.

Have to agree here. I love the childless life because it was what we made of it, we worked for our own happiness (it doesn't just happen without working for it, I firmly believe outlook is half the battle to a good life barring major illness or extreme poverty, etc)...............but you can still love that part of your life and want another part to come into the picture, no? Kids shouldn't be filling a hole necessarily to a less than content life or there to fix anything.

I agreed with the poster re people who enjoy their childless lifestyle should think twice about having kids. Don't get me wrong, I loved my old life too (sleeping in, eating out, regular vacations, making plans on a whim)-- but we were prepared to give it up to have a child. I know people who love that life, but think a baby will be an accessory that will somehow be integrated into their current lifestyle. Sorry, but these folks are in for a very rude awakening if they have children.

[Anonymous]

I was in your boat (terrible childhood was my reason) and DH and I did talk about it extensively with my therapist before taking the plunge. It was the right choice for us, but definitely only one. DC is a joy, I adore him, and am loving parenthood more than I ever imagined I would. AND I am strung-out, exhausted, never getting enough down time or quiet or time to myself, and my relationship with DH has suffered. DH really wanted to be a parent and is a great father, building on being a great feminist partner that seems to be so rare on DCUM. I am glad we had a child but we did need to do some relationship work to get to that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

That said I loved my single childless life AND I LOVE my life with my child. Just because you like the life the way it is doesn't mean you won't like the change a child brings as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

Add me to this. Nothing about your life will be the same after becoming parents. That doesn't mean it will be worse, but it will be completely different. I think you are smart to question this and I wish I would have questioned it more. Being a parent has its joys, but it is relentless, constant, hard work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I very much wanted kids and so did DH. Our DD is the light of my life. That said, she had colic and I nearly went insane from PPD. The first 4 months were PURE. HELL. Our marriage suffered a lot. I can hardly remember chunks of those months and am getting some help for PTSD because of it.

Even now that she's outgrown the colic and she's older (15 months), our lives are so drastically different. Sex goes bye-bye unless you really work at it (you're so tired all the time and "touched out" from baby that it feels like "work", too). You don't get to be first in your life anymore, your kid is always first -- even though that's normally natural and good feeling, sometimes you will really resent it (not resent your kid, but resent your life). You don't get to say "oh this weekend we'll do x, y, and z" it'll become "well, if DC isn't fussy we'll do x and maybe y if we can find someone to watch DC" and then DC will come down with a cold and you can't put him down without him screaming his head off and then you get nothing done and you're more tired on Monday than you were before the weekend. You won't get to sleep in to catch up on rest -- you will just get used to way less sleep and always feeling sub-par. Your career will suffer, you will feel guilt over every choice.

Sorry, I love DD more than anything, but if I wasn't committed to having kids to begin with, I would regret being a parent. Depending on the type of kid you get, it is just too much work to go into if you're ambivalent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the chance to clarify. I don't hate kids, but I don't think they're fun or cute. I am an introvert (even as a kid, I preferred imagination games by myself rather than with others) and need a lot of quiet time. The best example I can give is that I love sitting quietly with my dog, but I don't like to play fetch or wrestle with her: my husband plays with her and talks to her, and I schedule the vet appointments and research the best kibble.

I also have a deep visceral fear of all things reproductive -- thanks, Catholic school sex ed! -- and it took years just to get over my fear of sex; pregnancy terrifies me. I imagine it's fairly common for FTMs to be scared of the unknown, but this is pretty crippling and has lasted my whole life.

Based on this description, I think you will probably have a really hard time if you decide to have kids. I have always wanted kids and I love having them. But I am also a bit of an introvert and it is very hard for me that I don't get much me time and I never get to sit quietly by myself. Your small children will be all over you all of the time. They will sit on your lap, pull your hair, barge into the bathroom, wake you up, etc all of the time every day. And don't get me started on pregnancy and breastfeeding. Your body won't be your own for years.

[Anonymous]

Not fair to you to go forward and no way no how fair to the kid. An ambivalent mom who is always jonesing for alone time will be felt by the kid as cold and rejecting. You will not be the fun mom who is silly and who makes happy memories with other families if being alone is big for you. I had a mom who SAH but who read even while cooking as a way to shut us out. Horribly painful. Don't do it without really thinking through your limitations and how it might be to have a SN child or a child who is super social. You need to meet their needs and it doesn't sound likely to be fun and rewarding for you. You are not doing DH a favor, you are creating a life that will form a template for self based on your relationship with him/her. It's hard enough if it is a burning desire.

[Anonymous]

Based on your description re: the dog, pls don't do this to another human being. A child needs so much more than "present" and it doesn't sound like you may be able or comfortable being much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

This.

If you have friends with toddlers go spend time with them. I love my daughter, she's everything I wanted, but she is hard work. Everyday, hard work.

This would not have been good advice for me. Nothing about hanging out with other people's kids would have been appealing for for me. Truthfully, I'm not a "kid" person, and I'm not one who loves holding other people's babies or spending time with their toddlers (though I do like older kids.) So anyway, if that were my "test," I never would have had kids, which would have been a hug mistake because I ADORE mine!!! For me, that love is not about the fact that they're kids -- it's about getting to know them and their personalities, having adventures (even tiny ones) and building relationships together, and seeing life through their eyes. They're absolutely awesome to me, though of couse I recognize others may not feel the same.

My advice on all of this is to talk with your DH. If you think you may need extra quiet and space, brainstorm with him about how you together can make that work. There's no one way to be a good parent or a happy parent. If you and your DH are a team, my guess is you can find a way to work together so you can meet your personal needs AND enjoy parenting, too. (As for the childbirth part, it's really fine. I know that minimizes both your feelings and the whole crazy process of delivering a child, but trust me when I tell you it's something you can get through and be fine about. And then that part is over!)

Also, I think it's good advice to think about one kid at a time. I agree with the advice above that two kids is A LOT more work than one, and it's the quiet alone time that always seems to suffer. Again, we're happy with two for a whole bunch of reasons, but there's no doubt that life is more hectic and full.

[Anonymous]

OP here again -- I just want to thank everybody for the very different, all excellent, perspectives. (Keep 'em coming!) If nothing else, it's helpful to hear that I am not crazy.

If there are introvert parents who worked out coping mechanisms with their partners / babysitters / whatever, I'd love to hear more about that.

I'm also interested in hearing more from those who went to counseling -- e.g., what sort of counselor, what issues to focus on, etc. I once tried seeing a therapist about my feelings toward motherhood, but it was not a good fit and I did not try again.

[Anonymous]

A couple things.
Introverts - This doesn't have to be an issue. I'm an introvert and I'm perfectly happy with my child. In fact, if you are happier being at home and don't feel like you're missing anything by not going out like other people do/used to, then you'll be fine. Also, I get plenty of calm, quiet time breastfeeding my child before bedtime/naps or during the night. I love the sweet, quiet, just the two of us moments. I just wouldn't confuse being an introvert with being selfish. My sister is the latter and she struggles with her son being "inconvenient". There is a difference.
Marriage - So, people are talking about how your marriage changes after having children. The truth is that no one can tell you whether it will change for better or worse. A child may bring you closer together (we're in this as a team, we created this beautiful being, etc.) or strain things (finding time to connect with each other). You should also consider the effect on your marriage if you don't have children and your husband really wants them. I'm not saying to have them against your will. But you really need to come together on this. It sounds like you already have and decided to try.
Fear - Fear of the unknown is normal. You just can't predict how your pregnancy or birth experience will go, let alone breastfeeding and motherhood. If you are empowered by information, I suggest doing as much research as possible, taking care not to get scared by all the non-best-case scenarios. Everyone is different and will have a different experience. I had a great pregnancy and though my birth experience wasn't exactly as planned, I knew going into it that things rarely go as planned, so I just rolled with it. I also believe in the self-fulfilling prophecy on this one. My sister was terrified of childbirth and had a more traumatic birth experience. I did a lot of research, intellectualized it, looked into hypnobirthing and other birthing methods and was happy with my birth experience.
Baby-Oriented - This is another one of those things that you may not be able to predict. I am the youngest in my family and was never really around babies and never had "baby fever" or anything. In fact, I still have no great affinity for anyone else's children. (This is why I disagree with the advice to be around friends' children.) But I LOVE my own child and think she is the most awesome baby in the world. In fact, I think she is so awesome, I'm looking forward to having more.
Other good news - You are actually planning this baby. You can take the time to watch your nutrition and fitness. You can be active and stay fit during your pregnancy, which has better outcomes for labor. You can decrease your child's risk of birth defects by having proper nutrition. You are starting ahead of a lot of people and can be in control of creating the experience you want.
Change - Yes, life with kids is different than life without kids. But that doesn't mean it is worse. Whether you want kids or not, you have no idea how difficult or wonderful they can be until you have them.
Getting your head in the game - A lot of people say not to have them if you don't want them. I would just say that once you think about all the many factors and discuss things with your husband, if you do decide to have children, really commit yourself to having them. Like some of the other posters, I think my mother had no business having children (did it because it was the next step, cultural expectation, whatever) because she didn't fully commit to raising them. Consequently, my brother and I have a very fractured relationship with her. However, we both have very deep relationships with our children. We take it very seriously. We are committed to making sure they feel loved and cared for and know that we support their personal development. So, even if you aren't sure you "want" to have kids, please make a commitment to being their mother if you do have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again --I'm also interested in hearing more from those who went to counseling -- e.g., what sort of counselor, what issues to focus on, etc. I once tried seeing a therapist about my feelings toward motherhood, but it was not a good fit and I did not try again.

I'm the PP whose husband was worried about affording a child, etc. We went to marriage counseling. We went for 3-4 months. We met with her the first time, outlined our issues and gave background, and she sussed out what was making us wary about having a baby. Then each week she gave us homework (like plotting out a budget which led to DH seeking a financial planner) and then we'd discuss it the following week.

Some therapists, like hairdressers, are not a good fit, and you simply have to try a couple to find one you click with, who you truly feel is hearing your issues.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, if you decide to have children, you have to OWN THE DECISION. You cannot, under any circumstances, fall into the habit of blaming your spouse for pressuring you to do it. Because there are so many things about parenthood that are challenging--over and over again--that the opportunity to play the victim, suffer, and blame might overwhelm the other reality: that being a parent is one of the most amazing things you might every experience. If you LET YOURSELF experience it.

Also, you have no idea what kind of child you'll have. An easy temperament? A high-needs child? A child with cognitive challenges or physical ones? A child whose personality doesn't mirror yours (you might get an extrovert!) or who mirrors yours so closely that it makes you crazy. To get through all that, you have to acknowledge that your child needs you, and needs you to love him or her and to be the best parent you can no matter what.

So even if you're not sure you want children now, you have to be pretty sure that you and your husband are a team in this endeavor. Yeah, you might luck out and fall head over heels in love your parenting and your child, but then again... so you have to feel confident that you have the mature mentality that you will be able to pull your sh!t together and do the right thing (or else get help).

That's my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

+1(!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the chance to clarify. I don't hate kids, but I don't think they're fun or cute. I am an introvert (even as a kid, I preferred imagination games by myself rather than with others) and need a lot of quiet time. The best example I can give is that I love sitting quietly with my dog, but I don't like to play fetch or wrestle with her: my husband plays with her and talks to her, and I schedule the vet appointments and research the best kibble.

I also have a deep visceral fear of all things reproductive -- thanks, Catholic school sex ed! -- and it took years just to get over my fear of sex; pregnancy terrifies me. I imagine it's fairly common for FTMs to be scared of the unknown, but this is pretty crippling and has lasted my whole life.

OP, I have not read the whole thread, but this stuck out to me as very important. I think you need to address this first. Have you ever heard of Theology of the Body? Because the Church's perspective on sex is only positive. If you were taught otherwise, you need to revisit what seems to be an essential part of your perspective on childbearing.

I find everything about sex and birth to be gorgeous, awesome, powerful, the greatest gift. Part of it is my temperament, but most of it is my faith, my belief about what sex really means. As someone who takes care of women during pregnancy and labor, I have seen time and again how much a woman's A. Relationship with her husband and B. Assumptions about sex affect her experience of having a child.

So start there. Your TTC sounds too mechanistic, like you are trying to create a product that your husband wants. Children are gifts, not things. They are persons, not acquisitions. You need to investigate the deeper questions first, before trying to "make a baby.". Because we do not "make babies.". We participate in creation, and allow our love to be so strong, so trusting, so complete, that a whole new human being who has never been before and never will be again comes into being.

I hope you and your husband grow even closer through this.