Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you don't really long to be a mother or have a very strong maternal impulse. I would be very cautious if I were you. The worst thing you could do would be to have a baby and then have a child who feels unloved!

While I waited a long time to have kids, I never doubted that I wanted to be a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

This is ridiculous. In the long run, are these people so incredibly unhappy??? Talk to these people again in a few years, when their kids play together and have a close bond, and you'll hear a different story. And you might also hear a different story from those with one kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 30s and have never wanted children. I was clear about this with DH throughout our dating/marriage (7 years now) but also said that if he ever really wanted children, I would have them. Well, now he wants them, or at least is afraid of regretting childlessness later. We've been talking about it for a year and the timing is right "on paper" so we are gearing up to try hard next week. I am terrified.

If you truly never wanted kids but ended up having them anyway -- talk to me! Are you glad? Do you regret it? Do you love your kids or resent them (or both)? How can I get my head in the game?

Wow. I could have written your post. I am in my mid-30's, been married for 9 years now, and DH wants a child badly. I am ambivalent. I wouldn't say I don't want children, but I've always been extremely ambivalent. On top of it I have a phobia of pregnancy. So DH is pressuring me to start TTC now and I am feeling very stressed.

I wish I had some advice but I'm in the same place. I'm trying to find a therapist to help me deal with all the anxiety (and the pregnancy phobia).

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the previous poster who talked about being in the same situation and also fearing pregnancy. Would you like to talk by email?

[Anonymous]

You know how the dog wants to play with you and has had to learn that your DH is the only one who will and you don't "do that"? Kids don't learn, not like that. They will try again and again and again.

In my life, I could use a little more calm. I sometimes find myself saying, to my elementary school age children, "Could I PLEASE finish this thing I am working on? Could I PLEASE just have a minute to think one thought through all the way to the end?"

But, here is the thing. That happens when I've gone too many nights in a row with four or less hours of sleep, or I have a huge looming work deadline and my husband is out of town traveling and I am trying to work from home, etc. In those high-stress moments, the constant demands from the kids, who are largely self-sufficient now so way past the baby stage, can feel like chunks of energy are being ripped from you, that all you have left is a hollow shell. When I feel like that, it is a huge wake up call that I'd better get some freaking sleep and step away from whatever it is that is stressing me out for a little while. I'd better curl up in bed with one of those energy-sucking children for a weekend nap, or take another one to Starbucks so we can giggle and I can make a point of noticing the gorgeous smile my child has.

My concern for you, OP, is that it will all feel like chunks are being ripped out of you all the time, and more time with the kids may not fix it for you. There really is no me time in being a mother. It's worse with two than with one because you can't take turns being on. You are both on all of the time. I think you have to ask yourself what you really have to give. I used to think it was hyperbole when people say theyw ould lay down their lives for their children. Now that I have children, I get it, and I totally would. Would you? Can you? Or will you always be retreating into the other room, trying to keep a distance and being afraid it will cost too much of yourself? Because it will, you know. Cost too much of yourself. It's a price you have to be willing to pay, and pay, and pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the previous poster who talked about being in the same situation and also fearing pregnancy. Would you like to talk by email?

Sure, that sounds great. I am unsure of how to safely connect on a forum where we're all anonymous *and* potentially co-workers, so I created a new email address that is not quite my real name: you can reach me at rainaclocks at outlook dot com. I will assume you are also tweaking your name

[Anonymous]

Have kids only if you WANT to have kids, not because you're pressured. There are tons of mothers that regret their choice, but it is such a taboo, not many talk about it for fear of being labeled as bad moms or failure as women.

I strongly recommend you to read this, it is nightmarish, but an eye opener.

http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2011/01/dont-worry-be-happy.html

[Anonymous]

OP here -- just another thank you for all the excellent posts. Special shouts out to all my fellow introverts who are making it work, to the poster on faith and sex, and to all the wonderful folks who are worried about my dog (don't worry, she's an introvert too!). I have heard your encouraging words about partnering with DH, your cautions about really embracing motherhood and being there for any potential kid, and your blunt concerns and regrets, and it's all helpful. I obviously have some thinking and praying to do. Thank you for the help.

[Anonymous]

I come from a broken family. I always felt my father hated being a husband/father and my mother, despite being nice and making the best so I could have everything possible, was never very lovable herself and only "did it" because she was expected to. I don't remeber being hugged nor listened one "I love you" from her EVER.

So, I always knew having kids wasn't something EVERYBODY should do. And during my 20's I decided I wouldn't be a mother just because...

Then I met DH (who is also a boy from a F'ed family. His mother had 5 children and dropped frustration over frustration on them and then left...) and together we talked LIKE CRAZY for years before jumping in.

It's difficult, tiring and it consumes you. But as someone said before, a change of life can be for better or worse. We try to do different from what we had and thank god FOR US it's been working and we manage to flow with those changes. DH helps a lot and we kind of are SAHP.
I can't imagine all the trouble we have without all the love we put in.

So, I tell you as a child of people who weren't sure and as a parent of very wanted 3 kids: DON'T DO IT IF YOU'RE NOT 100% SURE.

It's not fair to play around with such big business as your life and from people who are not even here to choose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That was exactly me. Or us. We had actually agreed on no kids for the first 10 years of our marriage (married young), but then all the other pieces of life fell into place-- like you said, it was the right thing to do "on paper"-- and so we threw caution to the winds.

Our daughter is now 5. We have no desire at all to have another, but we have never for one moment regretted the one we have. She's been pretty much pure happiness for us. Not that having a child doesn't complicate things, but if I had a time machine, this is one decision I would absolutely make again.

This is me too. I was unsure all through the pregnancy. The first six months sucked beyond belief -- I am not a newborn person -- and our marriage took a hit but we are working our way back. DS is hard, hard work, but man I love that kid, and can't imagine missing this experience.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP-

In addition to the childhood years....Fast forward several years to all the good things an adult child can offer....Because children do grow up eventually! 1) You will be building your family. 2) It is also an investment into the future. Two pros in my book.

Signed: Single person TTC for 5 years and beginning to persue adoption.... Which brings me to another point; As you know-Conceiving is not easy/possible for some people (like myself) so who is to say that pregnancy is even possible until you try.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do. You sound very nice and open-minded....Consider your child-friendly qualities (too!)

[Anonymous]

Op you are me! I am not a baby or kid person. I'm introverted. But I did end up getting pregnant (by accident) after six years of marriage. I can honestly say that having your own child is sooooi different than what I had ever thought. When baby was first born I was still not in love with her- but it grew and now I know I'd try to move the earth for her. We just had our second and it is also such a different experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the chance to clarify. I don't hate kids, but I don't think they're fun or cute. I am an introvert (even as a kid, I preferred imagination games by myself rather than with others) and need a lot of quiet time. The best example I can give is that I love sitting quietly with my dog, but I don't like to play fetch or wrestle with her: my husband plays with her and talks to her, and I schedule the vet appointments and research the best kibble.

I also have a deep visceral fear of all things reproductive -- thanks, Catholic school sex ed! -- and it took years just to get over my fear of sex; pregnancy terrifies me. I imagine it's fairly common for FTMs to be scared of the unknown, but this is pretty crippling and has lasted my whole life.

OP, I have not read the whole thread, but this stuck out to me as very important. I think you need to address this first. Have you ever heard of Theology of the Body? Because the Church's perspective on sex is only positive. If you were taught otherwise, you need to revisit what seems to be an essential part of your perspective on childbearing.

I find everything about sex and birth to be gorgeous, awesome, powerful, the greatest gift. Part of it is my temperament, but most of it is my faith, my belief about what sex really means. As someone who takes care of women during pregnancy and labor, I have seen time and again how much a woman's A. Relationship with her husband and B. Assumptions about sex affect her experience of having a child.

So start there. Your TTC sounds too mechanistic, like you are trying to create a product that your husband wants. Children are gifts, not things. They are persons, not acquisitions. You need to investigate the deeper questions first, before trying to "make a baby.". Because we do not "make babies.". We participate in creation, and allow our love to be so strong, so trusting, so complete, that a whole new human being who has never been before and never will be again comes into being.

I hope you and your husband grow even closer through this.

Ignore this, OP. She is a nut job.

Signed,
a Catholic, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am the previous poster who talked about being in the same situation and also fearing pregnancy. Would you like to talk by email?

Sure, that sounds great. I am unsure of how to safely connect on a forum where we're all anonymous *and* potentially co-workers, so I created a new email address that is not quite my real name: you can reach me at rainaclocks at outlook dot com. I will assume you are also tweaking your name

Thanks for posting an email OP. I emailed you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm also an introvert who thought I would have kids just because that was what people did. Once I really thought about it, I decided I didn't want any. Fortunately my husband, who did want them, was ok with not having kids. He wasn't a huge kids person and said that he'd rather be childless with me. I also had a fear of pregnancy and it wasn't something that I ever felt the need to experience. So as fate would have it, we found out we both had fertility issues. I was actually relieved to hear that b/c it meant that I would never be pregnant. We adopted, which was an easy and quick process for us, and then found out that I was pregnant 3 months after we brought our child home. Whoops. Most people would think that I should've been ecstatic given our earlier fertility woes, but no, I was really upset and cried buckets. I still didn't want to be pregnant and didn't think I wanted a second child. Fortunately I had an easy pregnancy and delivery, but my husband and I took awhile to bond with our 2nd. Now I can't believe I put up the fuss that I did. Both children are the lights of my life!

Having said all that, I think I could've been happy without kids too. There definitely are certain trade-offs when you have kids, at least for people in our income bracket. And as someone here once said, having kids is relentless! But mine are almost 2.5 and almost 4.5 and they can play together nicely at least some of the time. They genuinely enjoy each other's company and they seek each other out as soon as they get up. They can go upstairs and play by themselves (though when it gets too quiet, we have to check on them!), but I know that not all siblings have that same kind of relationship. We've had our share of jealousy and fights for sure.

Sometimes parenting can really suck. I think a lot of people are afraid admit that. Even here on DCUM if someone says they're having a hard time, they're immediately jumped on by 20 people saying they shouldn't have had kids, etc. But if at times you feel like parenting isn't fun, you're not alone. It's not a perfect, roses and unicorns all the time kind of thing. Nothing is. Not work, not marriage, etc. And I've had to readjust my way of looking at it; it's not going to be easy all the time, but there are many true moments of joy where you'll look at your kids and your heart will burst. I've learned to find happiness and contentment just watching my kids play quietly together, or if one says something funny and the other looks at their sibling and laughs.


Good luck!