Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant by accident with a boyfriend and didn't think I'd ever have kids (I'm not a "kid" person, am also an introvert, and frankly was terrified of babies). My boyfriend also didn't plan on ever having kids. Turns out, we love are totally crazy about our kid. Sure, some aspects of parenting are frustrating (I very much miss having much alone time), but I'm very glad for our "whoops." You never know. Your own child is different than other people's.

[Anonymous]

I'm an introvert too, however I always wanted kids. I have to say that the baby and toddler stages were really, really hard on me. Babies need A LOT of attention and I found myself left with very little time for myself. It didn't help that my first child is an extreme extrovert, who always wanted (and still wants) to be held, hugged, talked too and can't stand being left alone. As much as I loved my kids, I definitely spent a lot of time fantasizing about what my life would be like if I hadn't had them.

That being said, the early years go by so quickly. Now my kids are school-aged (one is still in preschool) and are much more self-sufficent. Life has gotten so much easier. I don't regret having them for a second and couldn't imagine life without them. They bring so much joy and pleasure to our lives every day.

If you do decide to go for it, you need to think carefully about the things you can do to make life easier for yourself and to ensure that you get enough alone time. You would probably do best going back to work vs. SAH, at least if you get alone time at your job. I work pt and relish the time I spend alone in my office. If you ever decide to SAH, you need to hire some help so you get some alone time. I go to the gym almost every day since it guarantees me at least an hour to myself.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is just introvert/extrovert. What OP is describing with the dog is pretty far at one end of the spectrum. OP, if you are not going to be able to be warm and playful and emotionally engaged it is very harmful to the child. I grew up with a mom who also prefered to spend time in her head and was pretty detached. Kids need someone to mirror back their feelings, to be joyful and to be physically affectionate to develop properly. If you are not able to engage on that level with a pet it is not fair to do that to a child. I have spent a fortune on therapy and it will never give me the experiences that kids need. You would really need to be educated and monitor yourself rather than compartmentalize (oh, daddy gives hugs and giggles and love and i sit in the room and shop online). Most people who were abused or neglected have an easier time relating emotionally to pets, it's harder with a child. An introvert may find parenting more draining but someone who confines pet ownership to scheduling, research and being in the same room, with a social animal, is not likely to be a warm, nurturing parent to a human. Esp if she doesn't want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

Introvert here, and this statement is ridiculous. Since introverts make up essentially half the population, there are a lot of introverted parents. Being an introvert does not mean you sit there not interacting with people... It doesn't even mean we're shy. It just means we prefer more peaceful surroundings, we're homebodies and we have a rich inner life which results in creativity etc... I'm an excellent parent. I have three kids and interact with them constantly... And yes, I know how to deal with the chaotic moments of being a parent. But because I like my quiet time, my kids understand the importance of downtime... and I think that's an important thing to teach esp since two of my kids are extroverts. But I sure as hell don't sit around all day daydreaming... I bust my ass raising my kids... and I love being a parent!

Best of luck to you, OP!

[Anonymous]

PP no need to be so defensive. OP is unlikely to interact with 3 kids constantly, she doesn't even interact with her dog.

[Anonymous]

OP, I did not read the posts, but I initially did not want kids and now I have one and I LOVE IT. I was crazy to think I did not want kids. I am a totally dedicated mother and i would not have it any other way.

[Anonymous]

I have only read the first page of posts so hope my response is still relevant. Like you, I did not want kids. I did not like them, I did not need them, they are messy and expensive. I like order. I liked traveling a lot. My DH wanted kids and I agreed so we have 2 kids now. My only regret is that we did not start having kids sooner because I may have had 4 kids, if we could have afforded it. I had no idea what I was missing. I had no idea how much I would love being a mother. I am still not crazy about most other kids, but my own are the best thing I have ever done in my life. They give me so much joy and I love them beyond what I could have ever imagined. As an added bonus, I love my own parents even more. A friend of mine who had a baby once told me that you don't really realize how much your parents love you until you have a child of your own. It sounded nice at the time but whatever. Later on I thought about that statement and it is so true for me. I knew, but not like I know now. I look at my parents differently because I realize all the different stages of my life they have loved me, helped me, taught me. At bedtime, I often tell my little ones that being their mommy is my most favorite thing in the whole world and that of all of the people in the world I am so blessed, so lucky to get to be their mommy and I mean every word of it. OP, it is a lot of work and as I'm sure has been already said, they are indeed messy, expensive, challenging, loud, etc. but for me and maybe for you too, it is the toughest job you'll ever love.

[Anonymous]

I'd known I wanted to be a mom ever since I was a kid. My boyfriend wasn't sure he wanted kids, or that he'd be any good at parenting. I was upfront that we shouldn't stay together if he didn't want kids. He "changed his mind" and we married. Two kids later, he was angry at me because he "doesn't want to be a family man." Our kids wanted to know "Why doesn't Daddy ever spend time with us?"

Now we're divorced, and I get to hear my kids say charming things like, "Daddy's a better parent than you! He lets us play video games the whole time we're at his house!"

In other words, ex still doesn't want to be a parent, he's screwing up our children, and still making me miserable. Don't have kids to please your partner!

[Anonymous]

Many of the people saying about how wonderful kids are, they have toddlers. I raised my nieces practically since birth until their early teens, when my brother's divorce was finally over and they moved out with their mother. We still keep in very close contact. Babies are a lot of work, demanding, and frustrating. Toddlers are a joy, I must admit. They are cute and a lot of fun. All that is over when hormones enter the picture. It is hard. You are constantly afraid they will drop out of school and get pregnant at 18. Their dreams change every minute. It's chaotic. Teens are unpredictable.

Having being with my nieces and experienced parenthood so close, I know this is not for me. I'm glad that I had that experience, because is not something I want to sacrifice my entire life for. Six or seven years of fun is not worth the whole lifetime of sacrifices. I love my nieces, I wouldn't imagine my life without them, but I'm glad that I can relegate that responsibility to someone else. Do not have kids for someone else. If you are not sure, that's your answer: DON'T. Your husband should love you and accept you for who you are, not just because you have a vacant uterus.

ps. My SIL was in a similar boat as you. She did not want kids, my brother did. They had a great relationship until she had 2 girls. That lead to a lot of bitterness, a horrible divorce, and now she is the one caring for the girls full time because he wants nothing to do with them. I love my SIL, but her life is sad. Don't get trapped.