Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

I am in my 30s and have never wanted children. I was clear about this with DH throughout our dating/marriage (7 years now) but also said that if he ever really wanted children, I would have them. Well, now he wants them, or at least is afraid of regretting childlessness later. We've been talking about it for a year and the timing is right "on paper" so we are gearing up to try hard next week. I am terrified.

If you truly never wanted kids but ended up having them anyway -- talk to me! Are you glad? Do you regret it? Do you love your kids or resent them (or both)? How can I get my head in the game?

[Anonymous]

Is there a reason you never wanted them or you just don't feel the "urge" to have them. Some women never experience "baby fever" but that doesn't mean they don't want kids. The few people I know who don't want them have good reasons- terrible childhood, addiction in the family that they don't want to pass on, etc.

[Anonymous]

There are numerous studies done about marital satisfaction rates post children. The majority of parents report that their relationships with their spouses suffer dramatically, if one parent was not fully on-board or felt pressured to have the child.

So, it's really important you talk about this with your husband, and that it's something you really want too. Try to figure out what it is that is holding you back, and discuss it with the hubby.

[Anonymous]

That was exactly me. Or us. We had actually agreed on no kids for the first 10 years of our marriage (married young), but then all the other pieces of life fell into place-- like you said, it was the right thing to do "on paper"-- and so we threw caution to the winds.

Our daughter is now 5. We have no desire at all to have another, but we have never for one moment regretted the one we have. She's been pretty much pure happiness for us. Not that having a child doesn't complicate things, but if I had a time machine, this is one decision I would absolutely make again.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the chance to clarify. I don't hate kids, but I don't think they're fun or cute. I am an introvert (even as a kid, I preferred imagination games by myself rather than with others) and need a lot of quiet time. The best example I can give is that I love sitting quietly with my dog, but I don't like to play fetch or wrestle with her: my husband plays with her and talks to her, and I schedule the vet appointments and research the best kibble.

I also have a deep visceral fear of all things reproductive -- thanks, Catholic school sex ed! -- and it took years just to get over my fear of sex; pregnancy terrifies me. I imagine it's fairly common for FTMs to be scared of the unknown, but this is pretty crippling and has lasted my whole life.

[Anonymous]

DH and I actually wound up going to therapy about it. Turned out he was afraid of the expense and not sure he'd like babies or know how to bond with them, and I was afraid of all the work falling on me and disliking the baby stage so much that I'd be stuck hating the child even after the baby stage.

So we adopted a 3 yr old after seeing a financial advisor who mapped out the expected costs, and DH wrote out a list of things he'd do to show he'd be an active and present parent. A year after that our child's birth mother asked that we also take her then 2 year old. That year and a half was hell, but the 2 year old is now 5 and I *am* definitely in love with him despite how difficult he was for me in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 17:22 and 17:29, that's helpful!

[Anonymous]

I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it if you aren't sure, even if you fear it would wound your relationship with your DH. Having a child you didn't want will REALLY wound your relationship.

I was on the fence about kids -- never very interested in having them but not committed to NOT having them either. DH always wanted kids. I put it off for a long time (I'm quite a bit younger than him), until it finally seemed like the right time. Well, I'll admit it seemed more like a "good" time, since I can to realize there was no "right" time. We got pregnant, had a baby, and it has been HARD. Maybe if we were blessed with one of those amazingly easy children ("super baby," as we call my friend's wonder child), but we were NOT. I love my little guy, but I definitely have days when I wonder why I didn't listen to that voice in my head that said, "Do you really want children, or are you just doing this for DH?"

I think I will grow into it more as the little one gets older, but if you really don't want kids, it is NOT a good idea to have them.

[Anonymous]

More helpful replies: thank you for your honesty.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who is currently in the same situation (about to start TTC although it's her husband who wants kids, or a kid, not her). While I think she'll be a good mom and love her child, I have a hard time encouraging her completely, because I don't think that people should have kids if they don't really want to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

+1

I don't know anyone who actually regrets having a child once their child is there. But you have the chance to decide BEFORE, so this advice is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

This.

If you have friends with toddlers go spend time with them. I love my daughter, she's everything I wanted, but she is hard work. Everyday, hard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

+1000