Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I don't know what industries you are in but I kind of always laugh a little when I see people who think that their dreams of living abroad go away with kids, once you go in and out of the expat life in different global regions you really start to look at how there are lots of those out there who live that way and travel, etc with younger or even older kids (I know its probably harder once they hit HS, or even MS)- travel and all that still exist in these family communities all the time (granted its different than the travel you did as DINKs, but I know people with fabulous lives and little kids and aren't super wealthy, just a conscious working to keep those options open). Saying it may all still be possible depending on what you both do!

ITA! We're going abroad for a couple years in 2013. I think its a great thing to do with kids. Plus, childcare is a helluva lot cheaper in some spots! Don't get why all your dreams have to dissipate once you start having babies.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in agreement with the majority of the PPs regarding the wonderful highs and terrible lows of parenting. We wouldn't trade it for the world, but yeah, it's exhausting. However, it just occurred to me that most of us on the General Parenting board have young kids--so we really are in the trenches. When I'm having a particularly tough day, I try and remember that my kids will not be 1 and 4 forever. Which isn't to say that the tween and teen years won't present their own challenges, but I know that it certainly won't be quite as "relentless" and I'll get a lot of my personal time back. In any event, I just wanted add the disclaimer that most of us (although not all) are coming from this from the perspective of parents of very young children. It may be worthwhile posting on the parents of older children board as well as they'll probably have a bit more perspective.

I know that my mom, for instance, really gets a lot of joy from her adult children.

[Anonymous]

I have always, always, always wanted children. I babysat/nannied for years and thought I was prepared. It is the absolute hardest job imaginable and even with all of my "experience" I had no idea what I was getting into. My DH is wonderful, but parenting has taken the toll on our marriage and while I had always hoped for 3 or 4 children, I am only having 2 in an attempt to maintain some sanity in our lives. I've told all of my friends who are on the fence NOT to do it. You need something to fall back on during the really hard times and if you don't really want kids, I am not sure what that will be. Good luck. I would try staying the weekend at a friend's house with little kids to get a taste of what 24 hrs is like with kids. It will be eye-opening.

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence. We had one and figured we'd go from there. The baby phase was way harder than I thought it would be, so we're stopping with one. I tell "on the fence" types that one is a great number.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy. If you don't really, really want kids, don't have them. Total time and money suck.

[Anonymous]

One more thing to think about. There may be some difference in how your approach this based on what type of introvert you are. I am an introvert in that I don't like parties or business events, but I do love time with "my people." My child is one of my people, so I do feel recharged with the kid in a way that I don't with a lot of other folks, including other relatives. Like one PP said, nursing a baby provided me with more than enough quiet time to fulfill my needs. Also, WOH really helps with my "quiet time" in a perverse kind of way.

FWIW, I was petrified of pregnancy and was anxious for a good chunk of it, but I ended up thinking it was no big deal. Lucky I guess, but I wouldn't let pregnancy be the deciding factor.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am an introvert, too. Actually, on those personality tests I am an extreme introvert. But I adore my kid and I think I'm a damn fine mom. The first year wasn't really a challenge to me as an introvert (though it was a huge challenge to me as a person who needs more than a couple of hours of sleep at night) because the baby isn't OTHER. When the baby is so young they sort of creep under your introvert radar. But after that, yes, it can get rough if you don't figure out how to manage it. My solutions:
- WOH. I go to work every day and my office door shuts. Whew. Days when I have back to back meetings I am toast, though.
- Iron clad bedtime. DS is in bed at 8, and I have 2 hours to myself. I read, mostly, but even cleaning the house alone and in silence works.
- Switch off which parent does bedtime duty. When it is your day "off" you get even more time than the usual 2 hours.
- Find a few good friends with kids your kid's age, and become really good friends so you kid can have interaction (mine is an extrovert so needs it desperately) while the interaction for you is less draining because the friends aren't just aquaintences. Plus, you can do drop off play dates with dear friends by about age 2.

Good luck. My husband did not want to have a child but did it for me. He is a fantastic loving dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

But having two kids is so much easier than having one once they play together at, say, ages 4 and 6. My kids are 8 and 10 and it's hard to get them to play with either of their parents - we just schedule their activities, drive them and feed them. Much much easier than the parents of onlies have it.

[Anonymous]

While some may insist that "everybody loves their children" I disagree. Google "I hate being a mom" and you'll find MILLIONS of posts by women some of whom eagerly wanted children, planned for them, and now desperately regret their decision.

http://www.justrage.com/I_Hate/i-hate-being-a-fucking-mother-and-i-dont-care-if-you-call-me-a-bitch/

"I hate being a mother. If you don't have kids, think long and hard before you do. Those tv commericials are lying to you. It is not a fairy tale.

My kids are of toddler and preschool age. They fight, scream and demand all the time. I am so unhappy. Noone tells you how awful it is to be a mother. noone! Yes there are little sweet things that happen from time to time but over all it's terrible. I am so exhausted that I can't sleep at night. My nerves are shot from the kids constant yelling, fighting, and having to explain, soothe, or whatevery 24/7. I am tired! The amount of work that it takes to be a Mom and a housewife is inhuman. I never have a moment to just relax because when I am I am thinking about what work has to be done. It's fucked up. Yes I love my kids but I hate mothering them.
"

My mother didn't want children. But when she got pregnant at 18 she couldn't find a legal place to get an abortion (it was 1968) so she was stuck. 3 years later she had me. 8 years after that she told me and my sister she was going to get some cigarettes and we didn't see her again for 5 years .

Just please realize if you decide you fucked up when the kid is 3 screaming and biting you, you can't just drop him/ her off at the pound. Unless you are super excited. THRILLED at the idea of becoming a mother, if the work itself is the reward, you will royall screw up at least 3 lives.

http://childfreedom.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-do-women-lie-about-motherhood.html

and important read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

But having two kids is so much easier than having one once they play together at, say, ages 4 and 6. My kids are 8 and 10 and it's hard to get them to play with either of their parents - we just schedule their activities, drive them and feed them. Much much easier than the parents of onlies have it.

This is not universally true, you know.

[Anonymous]

I wanted to be a mom, but it is sooo hard. I don't know that I want to have another...actually, I know I DONT want to have another. And my DC is easy (and an amazing little person) and my DH helps a lot (but not as much during the infant stage which still gives me the chills).

That being said, there is no way anyone could have told me otherwise before I had DC. I wouldn't have believed them.

[Anonymous]

I never had the kid desire but I thought I would want kids later in life, when I was too old to have them. My DH really wanted them and we agreed before marriage that we would have at least one. Had my first at 36, now have two and one on the way.

Like OP, I never found other people's kids or babies all that enticing. I do love having my own kids and had the second and this pregnancy by choice.

[Anonymous]

I'm not convinced that there is a good correlation in maternal happiness between people who really wanted kids and people who didn't or weren't sure. It's not like everyone who was sure they wanted children finds mothering to be a good idea after they take the plunge. Not at all.

[Anonymous]

No, but creating and raising another person is not something you do as a half hearted favor for your spouse either. So much is fit and that just can't be predicted. OP, what if your child is autistic and has multiple expensive therapy appointments per week and may not live independently? If your heart isn't in it it's not fair to the kid. If you don't even play with a dog, do you get that it is your responsibility as a parent to interact with and play with the baby for their development? What if something, God forbid, happened to your husband? You can't even socialize the dog. The child is likely to feel rejected, not that you are limited and unwilling to grow beyond. Focus on being a good dog mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the chance to clarify. I don't hate kids, but I don't think they're fun or cute. I am an introvert (even as a kid, I preferred imagination games by myself rather than with others) and need a lot of quiet time. The best example I can give is that I love sitting quietly with my dog, but I don't like to play fetch or wrestle with her: my husband plays with her and talks to her, and I schedule the vet appointments and research the best kibble.

A kid needs to interact, they aren't just going to sit quietly. You need to be responsive and happy or it will really mess them up. It sounds like a need for control more than just introversion to me OP. What was your family like? Have you had issues with depression or anxiety? You remind me of a friend who has both. Motherhood has been a real struggle and her kids are anxious and needy. She is not good at feelings, either theirs or hers, nor is her husband.

No offense, OP, but can you imagine being the kind of mom a kid would pick to have a happy childhood? The dog example really says a lot about your level of emotional intimacy and how playful you are. If you like a controlled orderly life without many people in it, then you are not likely to find yourself loving motherhood, revelling in sleepovers and birthday parties and playdates. Some introverts have a tight inner circle, sounds like you do not and have always been that way. How you need to live is not in line with what kids need to feel happy.