Anybody not want kids but have them anyway? (TTC and unsure)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

I have a good friend who is 'meh' about children and loves her DINK lifestyle, but is talking children with her much older fiancee who has adult children of his own. I really want to warn her against it, but she didn't ask and it's not my place. Since this is an anonymous board I'll go ahead and fully agree with the pp. Children change your life in ways you can't imagine. If you're not willing to make the sacrifice don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Yes! Met DH when he was 25, I was 26. We married when he was 27, me 28. We both thought some day in the future kids were a possibility-- but then we never felt we were missing or wanting them. We were having an absolute blast--even took a year sabbatical in Europe. I prob leaned a little more towards doing it- but didn't broach it. I felt we both needed to be 100% on board. Well --7 years into the marriage we thought-- hey- we've done everything we wanted career and personal wise. The party/travel scene eas no longer completely fulfilling. We threw caution to the wind one cycle and I got knocked on the first try. Scared and worried the majority of those 9 months.

Life-changing, absolute best thing we ever did. I am insanely in love with my kids and DH and I are even closer. I had first at 35 and second one 2.5 years later. Life is grand!

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who waited 10 years, had one, and is totally happy. I don't agree AT ALL with the advice to spend time with other people's kids. I rather dislike other people's kids, always have, still do. It was one of the big reasons that we thought for so long we wouldn't have children at all. I've mellowed a bit in that regard now that I have a kid of my own, but I'm still not a kid person.

Also, the "if you like your life now" advice is kind of off target. What, people who DON'T like their lives should have a baby, see if that fixes it? No. You should go in to parenthood from a position of confidence and flexibility. I will say to examine your marriage beforehand. A strong, equal marriage makes parenthood fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

BS. I am above poster and the two play together fantastically and it is easier on us. We don't need to find constant play games with them or entertain them. They play and laugh for hours on end. It will seem easier in the infant toddler years, but by late preschool/kindergarten it is a major pay-off. On vacations they have a blast with one another.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't sure, don't do it. My MIL never had the urge to have children. She doesn't like them and she has no clue how to raise them. She made all three children feel as if she resented them and it has caused them all severe psychological harm. DH is the only one of his siblings that is married and the only one who has children. The other two are just too damaged. DH's brother is a 45 year old man that has never been married and only dates really young women and has had no relationship longer than a few months.
DH's sister is closing in on 40 and has no maternal instinct what so ever. She has been dating the same guy for seven years now and they will never marry or have children together. She used to babysit for us until I discovered she thought we weren't strong enough parents and she hit my kids and was verbally abusive with them. Through my children she realized that she doesn't have it in her. Sadly my children had to suffer.

No one knows what they are really doing when they have a child. I just think there are people who should never have them. If you think this is you then don't do it. The child will be the one that suffers.

When DH and I married we talked about having children. We both were on the fence about it. Our birth control failed and our decision was made for us. Since neither of us had sworn them off completely it wasn't a huge deal for us. I didn't have a ticking clock or the feeling that I needed to have children to complete my life. I have always been very maternal and enjoyed children and spending time with them. I had 5 nieces and 4 nephews when I got married the oldest of whom was six and this could explain why I didn't feel motivated to have children of my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP who waited 10 years, had one, and is totally happy. I don't agree AT ALL with the advice to spend time with other people's kids. I rather dislike other people's kids, always have, still do. It was one of the big reasons that we thought for so long we wouldn't have children at all. I've mellowed a bit in that regard now that I have a kid of my own, but I'm still not a kid person.

Also, the "if you like your life now" advice is kind of off target. What, people who DON'T like their lives should have a baby, see if that fixes it? No. You should go in to parenthood from a position of confidence and flexibility. I will say to examine your marriage beforehand. A strong, equal marriage makes parenthood fun.

What I meant is that I knew I wanted kids after I had done everything I wanted to do for myself. I spent my 20s getting my undergrad and grad degrees and lived and traveled abroad. I felt like I was at a turning point at the end of my 20s. I was ready to give my life to a child and stop living my life for myself. If the OP is content with the way things are and has no desire to make changes to her life, she shouldn't have kids. You go from 100% all about yourself to 100% NOT about yourself. I am an introvert and a single mom who has my child 24/7 and I get cranky fairly frequently b/c the 20 mins I get alone each day during the workweek (10 mins from daycare to work and back) are really not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 30s and have never wanted children. I was clear about this with DH throughout our dating/marriage (7 years now) but also said that if he ever really wanted children, I would have them. Well, now he wants them, or at least is afraid of regretting childlessness later. We've been talking about it for a year and the timing is right "on paper" so we are gearing up to try hard next week. I am terrified.

If you truly never wanted kids but ended up having them anyway -- talk to me! Are you glad? Do you regret it? Do you love your kids or resent them (or both)? How can I get my head in the game?

I had a great childhood and enjoyed my single days. never a fan of babies, never had that urge to reproduce

When I got married, late in life, I didn't even think about being careful b/c I thought my chances were slim to none. And I wasn't crying over not ever having kids at that stage either.

9 years later, with two kids 8 and 4, I can't imagine my life w/o them.

still not a baby fan, however!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

I don't know I agree I theory with above but our 2nd is easier than our first who is a holy terror. My second and I are so close. I love my first but while on paper I shouldn't have been dumb to have 2, my second has made me embrace motherhood more. It's more hell but I am in love with our second. She's easier and so you just never know how the personalities of your kid will be, get a good personality I guarantee you will want a second. I agree with many pp that if you don't want kids you are better off not having them but gain this is "on paper." cause once you do have a kid they are ours and you will see them in a different light. Its not just another messy, noisy kid, there are moments that you will love. That sometimes makes all the difference. Only you know though. I bet you already do. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Here are a few questions I would ask yourself first: am I going to feel resentful towards DH for making me do this when I don't get enough alone time? Am I okay with not having much alone time for a few years, aka you don't even get to pee in peace.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't. My ex never wanted kids, also an introvert. Oldest DS has some SN. He was miserable and bailed. He sees the kids but doesn't really seem to have fun with or enjoy them. He is dating but never wants to have kids and said recently he wishes he didn't have kids, he was happy with me before. He said that he was selfish and liked his alone time. I said it was a deal breaker and broke up with him, he came back weeks later but didn't really have the commitment to raising happy kids. He was never social in the family or really built friendships or memories around it. Our second is super social and didn't get those needs or experiences. You have to be so motivated to meet their needs and even then it is hard.

I wouldn't do it if I were you, it's so not fair to the kids. I knew families growing up where the dad was the primary parent and the mom had the single kid basically for the dad and the kids suffered. They deserve 2 parents who are likely to be able to be madly in love with them and give a LOT for years. You may be able to do that but it's not a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this: if you do have a kid, have ONE KID. You will see, when you read over the threads here, that almost every "what have I done, my life is hell" posts are from people with two kids. I am one of those people. I love love love BOTH of my sons, but having two kids was the hardest thing that ever happened. I spend my time managing them instead of enjoying them. When I had just one, it was joyous. Two was, and continues to be, very hard and had I known, I would have only had one. Even though the second is the joy of my life.

But if you are as much an introvert as you say, and you know yourself, then you really need to re-consider. Unless your DH will be the stay-at-home parent in which case you can probably swing it. There's no space for introversion in parenting. Really. The only time I get alone-time is if they're watching TV or asleep and that's just not enough.

ITA!

My mother is an introvert and looking back as an adult, I realize that she should have never had children (she actually admitted this to me in a moment of anger a few years ago). Not to say that all introverts should not have kids, but my mom is introverted, controlling and self-centered, bad combination! She loved my brother's personality (introvert like herself) but constantly was annoyed by my extroversion. She would always tell me that I talked too much or to be quiet and never seemed to want to talk and spend time with me. I remember her doing a lot of reading in her room or spending time with our pets. As a grandparent she is still disengaged and thinks my son is too hyper, willful, (the list goes on). She is amazed that he doesn't drive me crazy. As a only child, he is very independent and at 5 yrs old will play by himself for 1-2 hrs per day after school/camp. However, OP, you do not get that much time for yourself with a child. My husband and I look forward to 8p!

Also, I was ambivalent about having a child and my husband didn't want any. Got pregnant (on birth control!) and decided to go with it (I am pro choice, but I wouldn't terminate under my situation). I am glad I had him and I love him a lot-- hard to describe how much! But if you have the opportunity to decide, really think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell my childless friends that if they like their life the way it is now, don't have kids. Kids are expensive, loud, messy, sometimes rude, sassy, difficult, you name it. They are also wonderful, adorable, sweet, loving, etc. If you like your life now, I wouldn't have kids.

+1

I say the same thing and agree. Your marriage will never be the same in a bad sense and you will have no time to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, the "if you like your life now" advice is kind of off target. What, people who DON'T like their lives should have a baby, see if that fixes it? No. You should go in to parenthood from a position of confidence and flexibility. I will say to examine your marriage beforehand. A strong, equal marriage makes parenthood fun.

Have to agree here. I love the childless life because it was what we made of it, we worked for our own happiness (it doesn't just happen without working for it, I firmly believe outlook is half the battle to a good life barring major illness or extreme poverty, etc)...............but you can still love that part of your life and want another part to come into the picture, no? Kids shouldn't be filling a hole necessarily to a less than content life or there to fix anything.

[Anonymous]

Also, I don't know what industries you are in but I kind of always laugh a little when I see people who think that their dreams of living abroad go away with kids, once you go in and out of the expat life in different global regions you really start to look at how there are lots of those out there who live that way and travel, etc with younger or even older kids (I know its probably harder once they hit HS, or even MS)- travel and all that still exist in these family communities all the time (granted its different than the travel you did as DINKs, but I know people with fabulous lives and little kids and aren't super wealthy, just a conscious working to keep those options open). Saying it may all still be possible depending on what you both do!

[Anonymous]

I would consider counseling with your husband before actually trying. I wanted kids (more than one) and my husband would have been fine with none or one. We have 3. #2 was me pushing and #3 was unplanned. It has been really hard on our marriage. You need to make sure that you are really ready for this before you agree to it because your husband wants it.