Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have less problem with the sentiment and more with how it is expressed and how self-referential a worldview this expression reflects. Once a child is born, it’s not yours to regret—they are their own person, not tantamount to a house you now have buyers remorse for purchasing.

I think if folks expressed it “I regret not anticipating how difficult parenting would be for me” or “I am saddened by how much of parenting I dislike” or even “I’m embarrassed by how much I resent the sacrifices of being a parent” it would be much more sympathetic and much less dehumanizing for the kid.

I don't think saying "I regret having kids" is any more self-referential than actually having kids, or saying you are happy you had kids for that matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve better than that.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have less problem with the sentiment and more with how it is expressed and how self-referential a worldview this expression reflects. Once a child is born, it’s not yours to regret—they are their own person, not tantamount to a house you now have buyers remorse for purchasing.

I think if folks expressed it “I regret not anticipating how difficult parenting would be for me” or “I am saddened by how much of parenting I dislike” or even “I’m embarrassed by how much I resent the sacrifices of being a parent” it would be much more sympathetic and much less dehumanizing for the kid.

I don't know that it would necessarily be dehumanizing for the child. I don't regret having kids, and my parents have never said they regret having me, so this is speculation. But my mom really should not have had me, at least not when she did. She is mentally ill and had five kids in five years because her religion forbade birth control. It's not surprising that she couldn't' give us what we needed. She struggled, a lot, and all the kids knew that we were the reason why. But she was always adamant that she was glad she married my dad (whom she later divorced because they were utterly incompatible) and glad she had kids when she did because then she got us. Okay, yay for her? But as for my siblings and me, things didn't turn out so well. Anybody can look at my mom and see that she had too many kids too fast, and that doesn't mean that those people think we should have died, just that they have brains and know that our needs as children were chronically unmet. And if my mom were to admit that mistake, it might go a ways in her acknowledging how hard things were for us and how unfair the situation was? I don't know, I'm in my 40s and I don't really care anymore, but I think this stubborn insistence that everything happened just as it should have for the sake of the child gets a little strained sometimes.

[Anonymous]

There have been plenty of posts on this site saying they regretting having children. It should not be taboo IMO. People need to stop lying all the time. If you regret it, you regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have less problem with the sentiment and more with how it is expressed and how self-referential a worldview this expression reflects. Once a child is born, it’s not yours to regret—they are their own person, not tantamount to a house you now have buyers remorse for purchasing.

I think if folks expressed it “I regret not anticipating how difficult parenting would be for me” or “I am saddened by how much of parenting I dislike” or even “I’m embarrassed by how much I resent the sacrifices of being a parent” it would be much more sympathetic and much less dehumanizing for the kid.

I don't think saying "I regret having kids" is any more self-referential than actually having kids, or saying you are happy you had kids for that matter.

How can it NOT be? It is basically saying on the question of whether it is better for ME that these kids should exist, I vote “no!” (as if my personal preferences should have any relevance to the value of another human’s existence).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it sounds like you wouldn’t care if they died.

Oh, bull!

[Anonymous]

It's too bad it's not.
I wish my mom could as it this.
Contrary to what posters are saying would be satisfactory.
Because I know she does. despite what some think you can't fake it
Kids know.

I have always known and no I wasn't treated badly.
I'm glad we're living in an age where not having kids is becoming more acceptable

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know exactly but I think the stigma is being reduced. I think there is a whole book with stories or anecdotes from moms who regret having kids.

I’m glad people are actually saying it. Those stories are important to hear for those who are deciding whether or not to have kids.

You do not decide to be or not to be a parent based on other people's opinion. You do ant to hear about the struggles of other parents ho bring kids into dysfunctional situations, or have deal ith sn kids. It gives you perspective that you should not bring kids into dysfunctional relationships etc.

But, to say that you regret your kid's existence once they are born is making a bad situation worse and you are a very damaged individual for saying this.

I don’t regret having kids.

There is a saying: “you might regret not having kids but you’ll *never* regret having them.” This is, obviously, untrue, but the sentiment persists in part because it is so severely socially unacceptable to admit you regret having kids. A lot of people have had kids based on that saying. Just knowing that yes, you very well might regret having kids would stop a lot of people from making the wrong choice.

Obviously nobody should say this to their child. But we avoid saying a lot of things to our children, so this isn’t unique in that regard.

It also plays into the logic anti-choicers are using to justify banning abortion. If you can’t regret a child once it’s here, you just have to get a woman through birth then it will all work out. So it’s not just wrong, it’s being used in a dangerous way politically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have less problem with the sentiment and more with how it is expressed and how self-referential a worldview this expression reflects. Once a child is born, it’s not yours to regret—they are their own person, not tantamount to a house you now have buyers remorse for purchasing.

I think if folks expressed it “I regret not anticipating how difficult parenting would be for me” or “I am saddened by how much of parenting I dislike” or even “I’m embarrassed by how much I resent the sacrifices of being a parent” it would be much more sympathetic and much less dehumanizing for the kid.

I don't think saying "I regret having kids" is any more self-referential than actually having kids, or saying you are happy you had kids for that matter.

How can it NOT be? It is basically saying on the question of whether it is better for ME that these kids should exist, I vote “no!” (as if my personal preferences should have any relevance to the value of another human’s existence).

I don’t think that a parent regretting the decision to have kids is a commentary on the value of that child’s existence. I’m sure you know of people who shouldn’t have had kids but did, and your assessment doesn’t mean the kids have lesser value than any other person.

And the act of having a child is pretty selfish. You’re saying that in spite of the fact that you are flawed and will parent imperfectly and mess your kid up in some way, and in spite of the fact that every human will experience pain and some will have severe illnesses etc., *you* want them to exist, so you are going to bring them into this world whether they want it or not. And this isn’t to say that people shouldn’t have kids! I do and I adore them and I love being their mom! But you are centering yourself when you choose to have kids, just like somebody is when they say they wished they hadn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know exactly but I think the stigma is being reduced. I think there is a whole book with stories or anecdotes from moms who regret having kids.

I’m glad people are actually saying it. Those stories are important to hear for those who are deciding whether or not to have kids.

https://www.amazon.com/Regretting-Motherhood-Study-Orna-Donath/dp/1623171377

[Anonymous]

I dont “totally” regret it, but I have days where I wish I didn’t have to responsible for a whole entire human besides myself…Some days I can barely get up enough energy to take care of myself. But I gave in to societal pressure. I won’t make that mistake again. My kid is loved beyond more than he can believe but I do have moments and days of regret and think about my choices. I wish people would stop saying the kid would know there is regret of yhe parent. It’s very complicated and not black and white when you are a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There have been plenty of posts on this site saying they regretting having children. It should not be taboo IMO. People need to stop lying all the time. If you regret it, you regret it.

Although that tooic is taboo, I’m glad people are talking more about the challenges of parenting so that those who are trying to make decisions with family planning are more informed.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of parents regret it not talking about doesn't make the regret go away not does it help a anyone's mental health. People should be free to share.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with two parents who had me intentionally but clearly regretted me. They both said so clearly (‘I married your mother because she told me she couldn’t have kids’ - doctors had told her it was unlikely after several miscarriages in first marriage) and acted so clearly in showing indifference, coldness, even cruelty and so little love I can count those memories without needing all my fingers and toes.

Because of my own childhood experience this has been a subject of nearly obsessive interest for years - compounded by my own unplanned childlessness and years of grief over not getting to be a mom despite years of desperately wanting it and having a heart full of love with nowhere to go.

I think a lot of parents regret parenthood. I think it would be enormously helpful to all involved to shatter the taboo and open the conversation where parents can say, you’re a good person and I’m glad you exist in this world and I love you very much, but I was not cut out for parenting and I often regret bitterly the choice I made to become a parent.

I think many people who regret parenting don’t cope with their feelings about it, so instead they project onto their child that the wrong is in the child and not in them. Imagine if they could be encouraged to admit that they just suck at parenting and there is nothing wrong with their child. A much healthier solution to the remaining obligations of parenthood could be achieved if all this stuff was out in the open.

[Anonymous]

It is “socially acceptable” to say you regret having kids— to the correct audience, which is your therapist or a trusted friend. I feel like it’s a bit too self absorbed to think that anything you’ve got on your mind— even if that could be exceptionally damaging or hurtful to another human being with no say in their own creation— should be “socially acceptable” to share just because you think it.