Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a great thing to share in an anonymous forum like this - but not with people who know your kids, or your family, or anyone you know. It's taboo because it would be abusive to tell you children this, or have them find you you feel this way. That saying, you should get help in dealing with your depression, or overwhelm, or whatever it is. Saying "I am having trouble coping" is different from wishing outloud that someone never existed. Taking care of kids is really hard. You need support. Get it now - wherever you can.

1. Notice that it's not even really acceptable to say in this anonymous forum. Commenters are saying that if you regret having kids you are mentally ill, selfish, a terrible parent, childish, not prioritizing your children's needs, believe your children shouldn't exist, etc.

2. Being allowed to share a feeling like this in an anonymous forum feeds into the taboo and shame, which fuels the narratives I mentioned. If I told my friend "you know, if I could have done it again, I wouldn't have had kids," it's highly unlikely that would get back to your children. You should be able to get in-person support and understanding for these tough emotions.

3. I don't think that saying you regret having kids is the same as saying you are having trouble coping. You can be coping just fine and see that in retrospect it wasn't the right decision.

[Anonymous]

I think you can be a really good parent and regret having kids. In fact, really good parents, especially really good parents to kids who have special needs, are probably more likely to regret it. If you were the kind of parent who is fine doing parenting things halfway so that you could always get your own needs met, you're probably less likely to regret having kids than a parent who gives it their all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

Just so you know -- I wouldn't advise someone "don't have kids" in front of my kid -- but a lot of times, it is more about a lack of US support systems than about the kids or even about feelings toward parenthood. During COVID for example parents felt totally abandoned as they scrambled to care for their kids and work. During normal times the cost of childcare is prohibitive for many. Lots of people live super far from their own families, who may otherwise have helped with childcare. I advise people not to have kids because it's a raw f***ing deal with no support for parents in society.

In the case of my parent who did this, it wasn’t because of lack of social supports- it’s because they saw children as burdensome and also didn’t see the harm it could cause (I come from a very misogynistic and patriarchal culture).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

This is a nice sentiment but it misses the point. Think about all the difficulties people have making their marriages work, because of inability to tolerate stress and/or to process their own emotions. It’s silly to think many of these same people are somehow effectively covering up all their emotions regarding regretting their parenting obligation to their kid(s). Kids are incredibly perceptive, they are not fooled by parent who put on a fake smile and pretend enthusiasm. Whether the words are ever said or not, children of regretful parents are certainly aware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

This is a nice sentiment but it misses the point. Think about all the difficulties people have making their marriages work, because of inability to tolerate stress and/or to process their own emotions. It’s silly to think many of these same people are somehow effectively covering up all their emotions regarding regretting their parenting obligation to their kid(s). Kids are incredibly perceptive, they are not fooled by parent who put on a fake smile and pretend enthusiasm. Whether the words are ever said or not, children of regretful parents are certainly aware.

I never said kids weren’t aware that their parents may “regret” having them. Where did I say in my post that kids aren’t “fooled” by fake enthusiasm or whatever?

However, I do think having a place (therapist, online forum) for parents who may have negative feelings about their children to vent to can be helpful for some of them who are working through those feelings, and that might benefit their relationship with their children.

[Anonymous]

Because it’s the kind of cruel and heartless thing a sociopath would say. Glad we haven’t destigmatized sociopathy yet.

[Anonymous]

I have occasionally been candid about my regret in ever having children and the reaction was not good. I have one close friend who struggles like I do and I can confide in her.

No one else. I feel like I’m living a lie. Pretending to enjoy going to a kid’s soccer game, getting lunch ready, planning the afternoon etc.

I feel like an incredibly cruel person that I don’t want the children I have. There are moments I enjoy and feel a strong sense of love for them.

But if I could go back in time, I’d stay single and keep working. I have lost every single thing I enjoyed because of marriage and kids. They took away my body, sleep, ability to travel, disposable income, ability to live in a city etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it probably has a lot to do with phrasing and the implications of the words you’re saying. Something like “I struggle with being a parent” is probably easier for people to hear, and it’s more focused on the person saying it and their own issues.

But “I regret having kids” implies the root of the problem is the child. If the child didn’t exist, it would all be ok. It feels like placing blame on an innocent person. Maybe that’s not fair to say and maybe it’s not accurate, but that’s what it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have less problem with the sentiment and more with how it is expressed and how self-referential a worldview this expression reflects. Once a child is born, it’s not yours to regret—they are their own person, not tantamount to a house you now have buyers remorse for purchasing.

I think if folks expressed it “I regret not anticipating how difficult parenting would be for me” or “I am saddened by how much of parenting I dislike” or even “I’m embarrassed by how much I resent the sacrifices of being a parent” it would be much more sympathetic and much less dehumanizing for the kid.

Very well said, and probably more clearly expresses what many parents feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve better than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

Of course we made a decision and now regret it AND if course I will properly raise my child but parents are allowed to express regret just like any decision in life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it probably has a lot to do with phrasing and the implications of the words you’re saying. Something like “I struggle with being a parent” is probably easier for people to hear, and it’s more focused on the person saying it and their own issues.

But “I regret having kids” implies the root of the problem is the child. If the child didn’t exist, it would all be ok. It feels like placing blame on an innocent person. Maybe that’s not fair to say and maybe it’s not accurate, but that’s what it sounds like.

I disagree. I think that it places the blame squarely on themselves. Parents who express exasperation and even anger at children having normal children needs are the ones who make it seem like the children are the problem, and many of those same people will not say they regret having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But if I could go back in time, I’d stay single and keep working. I have lost every single thing I enjoyed because of marriage and kids. They took away my body, sleep, ability to travel, disposable income, ability to live in a city etc.

Are you a SAHM? If you don't enjoy it, why not return to working? Or if you are working, what about getting more childcare? I don't like watching soccer games either, so I'm not signing my kids up for soccer. Shouldn't your sleep and ability to travel return once the kids are older? At the very least, you could time a sleep-away camp with your vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve betterment than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

Of course we made a decision and now regret it AND if course I will properly raise my child but parents are allowed to express regret just like any decision in life!

Sure we’re all “allowed” to say anything we want short of fire in a theater, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for our words such as harming those children that you’re “properly raising” or being thought less of by them or other people who hear you.

[Anonymous]

Because we picture unloved children.