Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

"I regret getting married." Seems to be an end to the union, doesn't it? Saying that about the kids you produced has an extra layer (can't be undone). It's pretty obvious why the stigma is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I regret getting married." Seems to be an end to the union, doesn't it? Saying that about the kids you produced has an extra layer (can't be undone). It's pretty obvious why the stigma is there.

Married people often complain about regretting having gotten married. Most of the complainers stay married. See the Relationships forum, for example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

The problem is not with saying you are happy that you didn’t have kids, but that you regret having the children you already have. The former is a lifestyle choice that will not have a negative impact on anyone. The latter is a horrible thing to say and it will negatively impact the children you already have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

This is a little unfair. Most people have children. Or at least most married couples do. It seems like the typical thing to do. Looking back I should have questioned having kids, but I thought that something literally everyone I know is doing must be okay. I didn’t think that it would be easy or a breeze, but I also didn’t think I would regret it like I do. I truly feel like an outlier. I can tell even making lunch plans that I’m the only mom who doesn’t want to being her 6 year old to lunch. The other moms seem to love the play dates, mommy/daughter lunches etc. I just want to go to lunch with adults. Again I had no idea.

I was 36 when I became a mom. This was a wanted, planned, hard to conceive child. I loved him from the second I found out I was pregnant. Ff 9 months and dh and I are sleeping the exhausted new parent sleep and the baby cries. We both woke up and said, "wtf were we thinking?!". The thing I didn't consider is how much I'd love this child and have an overpowering urge to protect him at all costs. I also realized I now had something to lose, a way to be hurt because his happiness meant so much to me. I didn't anticipate the loss of freedom and ability to socialize as I would like. I do not regret having kids, though. They are teens now and highly self sufficient and they don't need me like before. I have more free time than I can fill. In short, remember they grow up!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because for a child to hear his parents say that, or hear that his parent said that….would be one of THE most emotionally damaging things imaginable.

Speaking as someone whose parents regretted me and whose parents expressed that by a transference wherein their regret became a family mythology in which I was a bad, no good, worthless, never could do anything right rotten kid and nobody could possibly love me I had better be prepared for that by my parents not loving me to begin with . . .

It would a billion times have preferred for them to have the maturity to say, we love you dearly and think you are a wonderful human being and we are not sorry that you exist and we think you can accomplish great things in your life if you choose to - but we recognize that we should not have become parents and our failings are parents are a result of our shortcomings and not in anything that is wrong with you, dear child. Please forgive us our trespasses and take our advice, that you should think long and carefully about becoming a parent before you choose to do so yourself.

One of those approaches will make your life blighted for all time. The other is much more likely to give you some opportunity to believe yourself a valuable person who deserves to be in this world.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve betterment than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

Of course we made a decision and now regret it AND if course I will properly raise my child but parents are allowed to express regret just like any decision in life!

Sure we’re all “allowed” to say anything we want short of fire in a theater, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for our words such as harming those children that you’re “properly raising” or being thought less of by them or other people who hear you.

What does the bolded mean? That if you confide in somebody who knows your kids that you regret having kids, that person will think less of your kids? I don't understand this.

I also don't understand why commenters continually assume that the person that a parent would say this to is the child. If somebody says they are sharing regret about marrying their partner because they are a bad coparent, do you assume that the conversation is between the parent and the child? What about confiding in somebody about an affair or something else very personal? I don't think anybody is saying that it should be totally fine for a parent to tell their own child that they regret becoming a parent, or oversharing very personal information.

If you tell someone who isn’t your therapist that you regret having children, they will very likely think less of [i]you. Because they will think you are a bad parent who doesn’t appreciate what you have. If you phrase it as others have suggested— that you regret you don’t enjoy parenting, etc. that might be different.

As for “telling” your kids. Kids are not stupid. Kids overhear, badly intentioned— heck even well intentioned!!— adults may repeat it to them, and kids intuit. Letting a kid grow up knowing they were regretted is the next worst thing to abuse I can think of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

I have a hard time with the idea that someone would find the reality of parenting to align perfectly with what they thought parenting would be. Everybody I have spoken with, no matter how much they researched parenting, finds it harder than they thought it would be. I knew it would be extraordinarily difficult, and yet being a good parent has been harder than I anticipated. Just one thing that is harder is this idea of "get help with the kid so that you don't lose yourself in motherhood and/or go insane." It sounds a hell of a lot simpler than it is.

Well, I am a real person and have found parenting much more manageable than I expected. I also literally never changed a diaper before my first child arrived and had very limited hands on experience. Granted my kids are not teens yet (3,4, and 7) so I may change my mind then. Also my family was not as dramatically impacted by COVID as others were. It's hard for me to understand that someone would have kids to go with the flow because all of their friends are doing it and not realize it is a huge life changing commitment that will dramatically alter your life. I suppose it's about personality types - it's just not in my nature to make a major life decision without analyzing it for ages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know exactly but I think the stigma is being reduced. I think there is a whole book with stories or anecdotes from moms who regret having kids.

I’m glad people are actually saying it. Those stories are important to hear for those who are deciding whether or not to have kids.

I don't regret having my one kid (and I knew I was only going to have one). That being said, in a safe space or anon, I think it's ok to admit that you regret having kids if you found you really weren't a great parent/caregiver/arent capable of being loving and warm after all. In fairness, no one knows that for sure until you have kids. I do think it's good for those questioning if they want kids or not to hear people on both sides vs. just the "when are you having kids?" family members…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because for a child to hear his parents say that, or hear that his parent said that….would be one of THE most emotionally damaging things imaginable.

Speaking as someone whose parents regretted me and whose parents expressed that by a transference wherein their regret became a family mythology in which I was a bad, no good, worthless, never could do anything right rotten kid and nobody could possibly love me I had better be prepared for that by my parents not loving me to begin with . . .

It would a billion times have preferred for them to have the maturity to say, we love you dearly and think you are a wonderful human being and we are not sorry that you exist and we think you can accomplish great things in your life if you choose to - but we recognize that we should not have become parents and our failings are parents are a result of our shortcomings and not in anything that is wrong with you, dear child. Please forgive us our trespasses and take our advice, that you should think long and carefully about becoming a parent before you choose to do so yourself.

One of those approaches will make your life blighted for all time. The other is much more likely to give you some opportunity to believe yourself a valuable person who deserves to be in this world.

I mean yeah, of course that’s preferable to the first option you mentioned…but it doesn’t particularly sound like that’s how they felt, anyways? And either way, even more preferable would be neither of the above…

[Anonymous]

Growing up my mom always said that kids ruined her life. In her head, she was going to go to law school and have this amazing career and then she had kids and stayed home with them instead. When my siblings and I left home, and she still talked about how we ruined her life, I pointed out that she could still go to law school. Nothing was holding her back. She had the means. She said it was “too late.”

I ended up going to law school, having an amazing career and having kids. I think she deeply resented me for it. When I called her to tell her I passed the bar, she hung up on me.

About 10 years ago, she told a table of relatives - with me sitting there - that she regretted having kids. My uncle, trying to make an awkward situation better, quickly pointed out that if she hadn’t had kids, she wouldn’t have me and my siblings in her life. She shrugged and said she still regrets it.

We haven’t spoken in a few years. I don’t think she cares.

[Anonymous]

This is kind of a naive question, don't you think? The reason why it's not more socially acceptable to say "I regret having kids" outside of an anonymous or confidential forum (like a therapist visit) is because it's an awkward piece of information to react to, especially if you know the kids. It's "demonized" because of the risk of a child finding out. Your best course of action is to work with a therapist to process your regret versus looking for public validation.

[Anonymous]

It’s also demonized because it’s seen as weak and selfish. As a parent you have a responsibility to your kids, and in many ways it’s not about you anymore. You are hurting your children because of your weakness and selfishness.

Kids aren’t stupid. Even if you don’t tell them it’s like trying to hide an affair. People will pick up on it if it goes on long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s also demonized because it’s seen as weak and selfish. As a parent you have a responsibility to your kids, and in many ways it’s not about you anymore. You are hurting your children because of your weakness and selfishness.

Kids aren’t stupid. Even if you don’t tell them it’s like trying to hide an affair. People will pick up on it if it goes on long enough.

Yep. Not only should it not be socially acceptable, if you truly feel this way, you should seek counseling or look within to change your perspective. Your kids will feel it, and be damaged by it, even if you don’t say it directly to them.

[Anonymous]

It's interesting. I am sort of on the other side of things.

I was married and had children like a lot of women and did "the things." Nursed. Quit my job when my children were infants because things were too hard and nothing my husband could do was right. I was a bubbling, angry ball of resentment even when I did things like get the job I really wanted (I then resented working or not working enough or not traveling enough, etc).

Quietly, my ex, did something that in hindsight was an incredibly kind thing, but also sort of doomed our marriage. He just took everything I complained about on. Daycare drop offs? He did it, kid runs, scheduling, all of the elementary stuff and activities and cooking and cleaning. He did all of this while making three times as much as me and excelled in his career. The three of them sort of operated as this machine, sure they loved me, but when I took that job that allowed me to travel, to work on high profile projects. I continue to resent them, but it was different. I wasn't necessary, etc. I did some not great things (affair) but again, blamed my circumstances.

All of this to say, after a lot of therapy, all roads led back to me. I really did create the problems in my life. Yes, society was more than happy to help me self-destruct, but it took me buying part and parcel the BS of misogynic rules in our society.

I have a very, very distant relationship with my young adult (post-college) kids. A friendly aunt? My ex ended the marriage once the kids were in college/settled. The three of them are still close from what I understand. We all actually have a pretty respectful relationship but my son and daughter really don't want much to do with me and my daughter has been pretty open about her resentments. I still travel and have adventure and answer to no one but all of this came at a cost and there was a pound of pain that I inflicted on myself.

Sorry for the long post. TLDR, yes, you can resent your kids and your life. But there's a cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve betterment than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

Of course we made a decision and now regret it AND if course I will properly raise my child but parents are allowed to express regret just like any decision in life!

Sure we’re all “allowed” to say anything we want short of fire in a theater, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for our words such as harming those children that you’re “properly raising” or being thought less of by them or other people who hear you.

What does the bolded mean? That if you confide in somebody who knows your kids that you regret having kids, that person will think less of your kids? I don't understand this.

I also don't understand why commenters continually assume that the person that a parent would say this to is the child. If somebody says they are sharing regret about marrying their partner because they are a bad coparent, do you assume that the conversation is between the parent and the child? What about confiding in somebody about an affair or something else very personal? I don't think anybody is saying that it should be totally fine for a parent to tell their own child that they regret becoming a parent, or oversharing very personal information.

If you tell someone who isn’t your therapist that you regret having children, they will very likely think less of [i]you. Because they will think you are a bad parent who doesn’t appreciate what you have. If you phrase it as others have suggested— that you regret you don’t enjoy parenting, etc. that might be different.

As for “telling” your kids. Kids are not stupid. Kids overhear, badly intentioned— heck even well intentioned!!— adults may repeat it to them, and kids intuit. Letting a kid grow up knowing they were regretted is the next worst thing to abuse I can think of.

Ah I understand. Well I don't regret having kids, for what it's worth, so I am not looking for advice. But I absolutely would not look down on a friend who confided in me like this. In fact I would definitely sympathize. I don't think real friends would hear that and based on that alone look down on you and think you're a bad parent. I might think you're a "bad parent" if you spank your kids (even occasionally), yell at them, don't empathize with them, etc. But not if you admit you regret having kids.

And is a kid overhearing "I love my kid dearly but in retrospect, I shouldn't have had kids" worse than "I am saddened by how much I dislike parenting" or 'I resent the sacrifices I made to have kids?" Kids shouldn't hear any of this stuff, and yet I don't think these are feelings that parents should have to shove down.