Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve betterment than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

Of course we made a decision and now regret it AND if course I will properly raise my child but parents are allowed to express regret just like any decision in life!

Sure we’re all “allowed” to say anything we want short of fire in a theater, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences for our words such as harming those children that you’re “properly raising” or being thought less of by them or other people who hear you.

What does the bolded mean? That if you confide in somebody who knows your kids that you regret having kids, that person will think less of your kids? I don't understand this.

I also don't understand why commenters continually assume that the person that a parent would say this to is the child. If somebody says they are sharing regret about marrying their partner because they are a bad coparent, do you assume that the conversation is between the parent and the child? What about confiding in somebody about an affair or something else very personal? I don't think anybody is saying that it should be totally fine for a parent to tell their own child that they regret becoming a parent, or oversharing very personal information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

Societal pressure. But so glad the younger generation is smarter with more information at their disposal. The world is moving faster, and raising a child in today’s society is not as appealing as it was when our Grandparent’s were more homebound. Just As when older generations had 10-12 kids, our parents got smarter with less kids, then we got smarter, and I our kids will be even smarter when it comes to deciding to have a family. I’m a mom but I’m so glad people aren’t having kids for society’s (pressure) sake anymore. I’m glad more parents are sharing their experiences on places such as this forum so others don’t make the same mistakes or will at least learn from other’s who are already parents. Child-free people should come here to read and research before kids. Soon hopefully having a child or not won’t even be a discussion to debate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

This is a nice sentiment but it misses the point. Think about all the difficulties people have making their marriages work, because of inability to tolerate stress and/or to process their own emotions. It’s silly to think many of these same people are somehow effectively covering up all their emotions regarding regretting their parenting obligation to their kid(s). Kids are incredibly perceptive, they are not fooled by parent who put on a fake smile and pretend enthusiasm. Whether the words are ever said or not, children of regretful parents are certainly aware.

Are you speaking from experience? Did your parents regret you. You sound so sure of this. Please expound and share your personal experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

This is a little unfair. Most people have children. Or at least most married couples do. It seems like the typical thing to do. Looking back I should have questioned having kids, but I thought that something literally everyone I know is doing must be okay. I didn’t think that it would be easy or a breeze, but I also didn’t think I would regret it like I do. I truly feel like an outlier. I can tell even making lunch plans that I’m the only mom who doesn’t want to being her 6 year old to lunch. The other moms seem to love the play dates, mommy/daughter lunches etc. I just want to go to lunch with adults. Again I had no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

This is a little unfair. Most people have children. Or at least most married couples do. It seems like the typical thing to do. Looking back I should have questioned having kids, but I thought that something literally everyone I know is doing must be okay. I didn’t think that it would be easy or a breeze, but I also didn’t think I would regret it like I do. I truly feel like an outlier. I can tell even making lunch plans that I’m the only mom who doesn’t want to being her 6 year old to lunch. The other moms seem to love the play dates, mommy/daughter lunches etc. I just want to go to lunch with adults. Again I had no idea.

Not just you. There are others of us who share this exact sentiment. I would rather eat a hot lunch alone than go on a play date with a bunch of kids screaming. I made my decision to have kids so I do everything to make the best life for my child and myself and our family. Lot’s of people make permanent (regretful) decisions but it’s how you choose to deal with it that matters. I don’t do as many “kid friendly” activities as some moms but my child has adapted and we make it work for us.

[Anonymous]

I do regret having kids on my 20s. I couldn't live life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

You’re so happy with your choice, that’s why you hang out on a message board for parents?

This not just a “message board for parents,” for the gazillionth time. There are many non-parenting related sub forums on here

... OP I'm not a parent either but it is called DC Urban Moms (and Dads) not DC Urban Childless Adults Having A Great Time...

Ha that name is amazing.

+ 1 this is also the General Parenting Discussion sub, so...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t need to express every thought that enters your head.

+1 not enough of this in today's society.

You can express this to a close friend. Is there a reason this view needs to be broadcast widely?

[Anonymous]

Because for a child to hear his parents say that, or hear that his parent said that….would be one of THE most emotionally damaging things imaginable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

I have a hard time with the idea that someone would find the reality of parenting to align perfectly with what they thought parenting would be. Everybody I have spoken with, no matter how much they researched parenting, finds it harder than they thought it would be. I knew it would be extraordinarily difficult, and yet being a good parent has been harder than I anticipated. Just one thing that is harder is this idea of "get help with the kid so that you don't lose yourself in motherhood and/or go insane." It sounds a hell of a lot simpler than it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t need to express every thought that enters your head.

+1 not enough of this in today's society.

You can express this to a close friend. Is there a reason this view needs to be broadcast widely?

So that people can stop pushing the narrative that you won't regret having kids and people will feel more free not to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

I was clueless. Never changed a diaper before my child. They are expensive AF. Never considered school cost until it was rime for daycare AF. I just was no thinking about the logistics snd how things add up financially and mentally. Just because you were exposed early to this doesn’t mean others were.

It never ceases to amaze me how little thought most people give to these kinds of major life decisions. It's hard to have sympathy for this kind of willful ignorance. You really never gave it any thought?

This is a little unfair. Most people have children. Or at least most married couples do. It seems like the typical thing to do. Looking back I should have questioned having kids, but I thought that something literally everyone I know is doing must be okay. I didn’t think that it would be easy or a breeze, but I also didn’t think I would regret it like I do. I truly feel like an outlier. I can tell even making lunch plans that I’m the only mom who doesn’t want to being her 6 year old to lunch. The other moms seem to love the play dates, mommy/daughter lunches etc. I just want to go to lunch with adults. Again I had no idea.

Not just you. There are others of us who share this exact sentiment. I would rather eat a hot lunch alone than go on a play date with a bunch of kids screaming. I made my decision to have kids so I do everything to make the best life for my child and myself and our family. Lot’s of people make permanent (regretful) decisions but it’s how you choose to deal with it that matters. I don’t do as many “kid friendly” activities as some moms but my child has adapted and we make it work for us.

+100 I'm the PP who said people aren't good critical thinkers. I don't regret parenthood but I empathize with others who do and I stopped at one kid for a reason. Love and value my child but also very much value my adult-only time.

[Anonymous]

I don't find it socially unacceptable, but pathetic and self-indulgent. And, yes, I did read the NYT piece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do regret having kids on my 20s. I couldn't live life

I had a kid in my 20s too. It was a bummer the first couple years but it will pay off. 45 as an empty-nester!