Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because as dependents they rely 100% on their parents, and deserve loving parents. They didn’t ask to be born. You don’t choose to have kids and then regret them. Sorry. They deserve better than that.

+1.

This 100%. Save your whining for your therapist and do your job as a parent. Your kids didn't ask for this. YOU made the decision to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

This is different. But to the kids hearing their parent say that they wish they never had kids is a straightforward rejection. You wouldn’t think of saying this to a friend “wish I never met you” because it would hurt their feelings, so why would it be ok to say this about a child, especially when young, for whom parents are their whole world, and should be source of comfort and love, not rejection.

[Anonymous]

People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

[Anonymous]

I hear people talk about being “demonized” for deciding not to have children but I’ve never actually seen it happen.

The reason it’s not socially acceptable to say you regret having children is that they might find out you said it. It’s okay to say it in the confidence of a trusted friend.

[Anonymous]

I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

Just so you know -- I wouldn't advise someone "don't have kids" in front of my kid -- but a lot of times, it is more about a lack of US support systems than about the kids or even about feelings toward parenthood. During COVID for example parents felt totally abandoned as they scrambled to care for their kids and work. During normal times the cost of childcare is prohibitive for many. Lots of people live super far from their own families, who may otherwise have helped with childcare. I advise people not to have kids because it's a raw f***ing deal with no support for parents in society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I have always had a very strong sense of self - I heard this so many times when I was a kid. It wasn’t a direct “I regret you,” but it was always telling other people in front of my siblings and I that they should never have kids etc. It annoyed and embarrassed me but didn’t phase me. That said, now I’m a parent I only say things that make my children know they are loved and wanted. I never want to be parented like I was - because there was some verbal abuse and today would also be considered physical abuse. I think there is a Reddit sub for people who regret having kids as an anonymous space to discuss their honest feelings, so their children don’t have to know about it.

Just so you know -- I wouldn't advise someone "don't have kids" in front of my kid -- but a lot of times, it is more about a lack of US support systems than about the kids or even about feelings toward parenthood. During COVID for example parents felt totally abandoned as they scrambled to care for their kids and work. During normal times the cost of childcare is prohibitive for many. Lots of people live super far from their own families, who may otherwise have helped with childcare. I advise people not to have kids because it's a raw f***ing deal with no support for parents in society.

Yes, I have advised DD to not have kids unless she has a strong support system. And I followed that up with assuring her that I am happy to be part of that support system!

[Anonymous]

Feeling and expressing that you are "demonized" is self-centered, drama-seeking, selfishness. That is what makes you a not-great parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is “socially acceptable” to say you regret having kids— to the correct audience, which is your therapist or a trusted friend. I feel like it’s a bit too self absorbed to think that anything you’ve got on your mind— even if that could be exceptionally damaging or hurtful to another human being with no say in their own creation— should be “socially acceptable” to share just because you think it.

Presumby part of the " correct" audience is an anonymous parenting forum.

Nowhere did op say she's having this conversation with her children.
But she's still being scolded and shamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are not good critical thinkers in today's society and incorrectly conflate "regretting the choice to become a parent" with "regretting the existence of one's beloved children as human beings." It's not the same. The former is about yourself. The latter is about the kid(s).

I do think it's becoming more socially acceptable to say it privately/anonymously. Reddit is full of these stories.

I think we all regretted it a bit during COVID lockdown, honestly.

This is where I am. If I had full disclosure about everything prior to having my children, I may not have made the same choice. The loss of career, the CPTSD, the unusual additional costs, the years of intensity and stress that have taken their toll both mentally and physically and fact that after a quarter century there is still parenting to be done would weigh heavily on my decision. It has been a very long slow slog.

Hmm I'm assuming you're about my age and it just boggles my mind that there are people who claim not to know anything of how difficult children and their care and keeping is.
That information is out there. I find people very often ignore it thinking it will be different for them, do and so is so dramatic, fomo, and it's just what mature people are supposed to do.

The things I did not expect are related to having two children with very different special needs.

[Anonymous]

It's a great thing to share in an anonymous forum like this - but not with people who know your kids, or your family, or anyone you know. It's taboo because it would be abusive to tell you children this, or have them find you you feel this way. That saying, you should get help in dealing with your depression, or overwhelm, or whatever it is. Saying "I am having trouble coping" is different from wishing outloud that someone never existed. Taking care of kids is really hard. You need support. Get it now - wherever you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who express that they regret having kids are demonized.

Because its emotional abuse to decide to have children and then scar them by telling what a big mistake it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

You’re so happy with your choice, that’s why you hang out on a message board for parents?

This not just a “message board for parents,” for the gazillionth time. There are many non-parenting related sub forums on here

... OP I'm not a parent either but it is called DC Urban Moms (and Dads) not DC Urban Childless Adults Having A Great Time...

I'd read that -Parent