Why isn’t it socially acceptable to say that you regret having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting. I am sort of on the other side of things.

I was married and had children like a lot of women and did "the things." Nursed. Quit my job when my children were infants because things were too hard and nothing my husband could do was right. I was a bubbling, angry ball of resentment even when I did things like get the job I really wanted (I then resented working or not working enough or not traveling enough, etc).

Quietly, my ex, did something that in hindsight was an incredibly kind thing, but also sort of doomed our marriage. He just took everything I complained about on. Daycare drop offs? He did it, kid runs, scheduling, all of the elementary stuff and activities and cooking and cleaning. He did all of this while making three times as much as me and excelled in his career. The three of them sort of operated as this machine, sure they loved me, but when I took that job that allowed me to travel, to work on high profile projects. I continue to resent them, but it was different. I wasn't necessary, etc. I did some not great things (affair) but again, blamed my circumstances.

All of this to say, after a lot of therapy, all roads led back to me. I really did create the problems in my life. Yes, society was more than happy to help me self-destruct, but it took me buying part and parcel the BS of misogynic rules in our society.

I have a very, very distant relationship with my young adult (post-college) kids. A friendly aunt? My ex ended the marriage once the kids were in college/settled. The three of them are still close from what I understand. We all actually have a pretty respectful relationship but my son and daughter really don't want much to do with me and my daughter has been pretty open about her resentments. I still travel and have adventure and answer to no one but all of this came at a cost and there was a pound of pain that I inflicted on myself.

Sorry for the long post. TLDR, yes, you can resent your kids and your life. But there's a cost.

PP, don’t beat yourself up too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's interesting. I am sort of on the other side of things.

I was married and had children like a lot of women and did "the things." Nursed. Quit my job when my children were infants because things were too hard and nothing my husband could do was right. I was a bubbling, angry ball of resentment even when I did things like get the job I really wanted (I then resented working or not working enough or not traveling enough, etc).

Quietly, my ex, did something that in hindsight was an incredibly kind thing, but also sort of doomed our marriage. He just took everything I complained about on. Daycare drop offs? He did it, kid runs, scheduling, all of the elementary stuff and activities and cooking and cleaning. He did all of this while making three times as much as me and excelled in his career. The three of them sort of operated as this machine, sure they loved me, but when I took that job that allowed me to travel, to work on high profile projects. I continue to resent them, but it was different. I wasn't necessary, etc. I did some not great things (affair) but again, blamed my circumstances.

All of this to say, after a lot of therapy, all roads led back to me. I really did create the problems in my life. Yes, society was more than happy to help me self-destruct, but it took me buying part and parcel the BS of misogynic rules in our society.

I have a very, very distant relationship with my young adult (post-college) kids. A friendly aunt? My ex ended the marriage once the kids were in college/settled. The three of them are still close from what I understand. We all actually have a pretty respectful relationship but my son and daughter really don't want much to do with me and my daughter has been pretty open about her resentments. I still travel and have adventure and answer to no one but all of this came at a cost and there was a pound of pain that I inflicted on myself.

Sorry for the long post. TLDR, yes, you can resent your kids and your life. But there's a cost.

PP, don’t beat yourself up too much.

Seriously? This person abandoned her family to do whatever she wanted and is still the victim here? Make it make sense.

If anything, her maudlin, "I'm the problem, it's me" is so, so self-serving. She made choices. Instead of owning them and the consequences, including her impact on other people like her ex and her kids, she blames...society. Yeah, no.

I am all for people making their own choices. But nothing annoys me more or undermines valid points as much as people who make decisions which IMPACT OTHERS and then hide behind their choices under a veil of being a victim. I'm just so dam triggered. This woman could have been my mother but she never left, made our lives he -- ll until we all went running to college and our father finally got the courage to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t need to express every thought that enters your head.

But if it is true for some people, why should they hide it inside and keep that emotion all bottled up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

me too. I work with kids but don’t want a 24 hour job

[Anonymous]

Because they might hear you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hearing that could have devastating, lifelong impacts on the child, who exists through no fault of their own. Hallmarks of adulthood are having a filter, learning to come to terms with choices and circumstances that cannot be changed, and considering the impact of our actions and words on others. Time to grow up, OP.

+1. Can you imagine being that child?

Do you have reading comprehension issues. Nobody is saying that to the child but it’s a hard job so these parents should be allowed to vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

Same. I've made some solid decisions in my life and by far being child-free was the best one. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t need to express every thought that enters your head.

But if it is true for some people, why should they hide it inside and keep that emotion all bottled up?

plus 1. These post’s actually help me realize I made the best decision not to have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know but it should be.

I'm childfree and that seems to be demonized too. I love being childfree and have zero regrets.

Same. I've made some solid decisions in my life and by far being child-free was the best one. No regrets.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s a terrible thing to say. You don’t need to express every thought that enters your head.

But if it is true for some people, why should they hide it inside and keep that emotion all bottled up?

Because your children should never know that you regret their very existence. That’s a burden that is not theirs to carry.

[Anonymous]

Because it destroys your children’s self esteem. Nothing more devastating than learning your mom regretted having you.

What would it accomplish anyways? Most parents are very candid about the difficulties and costs of child rearing. Childless people get a very clear picture of what it’s like to raise a child.

[Anonymous]

I'll allow you to regret having kid (singular), when you have more than one, you have no one but yourself to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who express that they regret having kids are demonized.

Would you be okay with your parents telling people they regretted their choice to have children?

[Anonymous]

because the kids can hear you-knowing that you are someone's worst regret will damage you psychologically.

[Anonymous]

It's not acceptable because it was YOUR decision to have kids. Telling other people you regret having kids can make you seem like a bad parent.