Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder long long people on this thread have actually been married? I've been married now for 20 years, and your marriage is going through very, very normal doldrums. People have highly unrealistic expectations of marriage. There are months, if not years, when things are tough, boring, or just not that great. Romance ebbs and flows.
What does marriage really mean to you? For me, it's a commitment through thick and thin. Barring abuse and maybe infidelity, when a couple is together for 50-60 years over the course of their lifetime, you have to accept that there are going to be ups and downs.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and would absolutely not divorce over this. For those saying “is the model of marriage you want your child to learn from” that is so bogus. Yes. You want her to learn that it is a lifelong commitment not something you leave bc you’re bored or underwhelmed. It is tilting at windmills to think you’re going to get the perfect marriage on the third try as a double divorced with a young child in tow, it will not happen. You married for life and meant it. See it through and find other outlets (not adulterous) to feel more fulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and would absolutely not divorce over this. For those saying “is the model of marriage you want your child to learn from” that is so bogus. Yes. You want her to learn that it is a lifelong commitment not something you leave bc you’re bored or underwhelmed. It is tilting at windmills to think you’re going to get the perfect marriage on the third try as a double divorced with a young child in tow, it will not happen. You married for life and meant it. See it through and find other outlets (not adulterous) to feel more fulfilled.

EXACTLY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder long long people on this thread have actually been married? I've been married now for 20 years, and your marriage is going through very, very normal doldrums. People have highly unrealistic expectations of marriage. There are months, if not years, when things are tough, boring, or just not that great. Romance ebbs and flows.
What does marriage really mean to you? For me, it's a commitment through thick and thin. Barring abuse and maybe infidelity, when a couple is together for 50-60 years over the course of their lifetime, you have to accept that there are going to be ups and downs.

+2

[Anonymous]

Do you have any friends? Social life outside your marriage? You sound bored and lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder long long people on this thread have actually been married? I've been married now for 20 years, and your marriage is going through very, very normal doldrums. People have highly unrealistic expectations of marriage. There are months, if not years, when things are tough, boring, or just not that great. Romance ebbs and flows.
What does marriage really mean to you? For me, it's a commitment through thick and thin. Barring abuse and maybe infidelity, when a couple is together for 50-60 years over the course of their lifetime, you have to accept that there are going to be ups and downs.

+2

This sounds wise (and I'm a hopeless romantic, fwiw). OP, don't give up -- you promised to love this person for life. Having kids makes everything more stressful, including (maybe especially) relationships. Reduce stress in other parts of your life, spend time together without kids and without devices, take a trip away just the two of you if you can. In terms of retirement areas, this is why snowbirds exist! You can live in multiple places mutliple parts of the year. Don't be inflexible about it .And you may change your views as you age. I used to hate hate hate the cold but then I learned to ski...

[Anonymous]

Your vows say for better or worse. This is the worse you're going to divorce over??? Be for real!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and would absolutely not divorce over this. For those saying “is the model of marriage you want your child to learn from” that is so bogus. Yes. You want her to learn that it is a lifelong commitment not something you leave bc you’re bored or underwhelmed. It is tilting at windmills to think you’re going to get the perfect marriage on the third try as a double divorced with a young child in tow, it will not happen. You married for life and meant it. See it through and find other outlets (not adulterous) to feel more fulfilled.

Couldn’t have said it better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She
won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Why do people say this stuff? My mom had 4 sh*tty marriages and I never thought any of them were “just how you do it.” I’ve been happily married 16 years.

And my parents-in-laws had parents who were happily married 50+ and they couldn’t figure it out and had three failed marriages each.

There’s not a direct relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and would absolutely not divorce over this. For those saying “is the model of marriage you want your child to learn from” that is so bogus. Yes. You want her to learn that it is a lifelong commitment not something you leave bc you’re bored or underwhelmed. It is tilting at windmills to think you’re going to get the perfect marriage on the third try as a double divorced with a young child in tow, it will not happen. You married for life and meant it. See it through and find other outlets (not adulterous) to feel more fulfilled.

+100 op you should not be embarrassed about your first divorce in the slightest but the stats for a third marriage are very very poor. That may sound harsh but it’s just realistic to say that it’s unlikely you’re third marriage would have some magic your others didn’t have. So to blow up you and your kids life with a good, nice guy. It just makes no sense.

Go to counseling to figure out if your expectations of marriage are playing a part in this. Try to figure out your role. You talked a lot about your husband and his flaws and didn’t mention how you are or aren’t meeting his needs which in hindsight is worth considering.

Teach your daughter that life and partnership are bigger than your own individual needs/wants. That a great relationship weathers difficult times, that each person is accountable for their piece and stays committed to being together and figuring it out.

I remember that quote from a couple married like 70 years - what is the secret to a long marriage? Don’t get divorced.

[Anonymous]

https://www.insidehook.com/daily_brief/television/esther-perel-interviewed-real-time-bill-maher

OP watch this interview with Esther Perel. I really admire some of her takes on relationships and sex.

Direct quote from both the interview and article:

"“Many people today, especially in the West, are going to have two or three committed relationships or marriages. Some of us are going to do it with the same person,” she said. “I’ve been married a few times, but with the same person. That keeps it interesting.”

“A relationship is a living, breathing organism that you need to reinvent and infuse,” she clarified — and made the case for not taking a relationship for granted."

The bolded hit me hard. Im not the same person and neither are you and neither is he. I was super into fitness, independent with lots of friends during the initial phases. Then my spouse has some serious (life and death) health issues and I experienced underemployment and then finally got a real job and then got pregnant. I lost touch with a lot of friends during this period because I was in survival mood with a high-needs baby and PPA/PPD. Then my MIL with dementia moved in with us. Then COVID hit. Then I got dx with hypothyroid and took 1.5 year to stabilize. MIL moved out.

We are just now re-discovering one another. Every time we tried to surface before this, something else would hit and we would be in survival mood. We are learning to re-like each other and that means us having our own interests but not at the expense of our relationship. I know that menopause/mid-life/empty nest will likely bring on another phase. And then aging in our 60-80s.

With a kid in the mix you don't really get to decide that 2-4 relationships are acceptable. Children need stability and blended families rarely work. I was looking at mothers day gifts and so many of them in that "family tree" vein whether its a painting or a tree of life or whatever and I cant do those because if I made the tree it would be my mom and my siblings which would hurt my stepdad and his daughter's feelings but it feels disingenuous to list them. It may feel all happy and great as the parent but it doesn't from the kid's perspective.

Your kid isn't part of your marriage but she is a product of your marriage and a piece of your family unit. I would ensure that you've given it what you can before dissolving the family unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://www.insidehook.com/daily_brief/television/esther-perel-interviewed-real-time-bill-maher

OP watch this interview with Esther Perel. I really admire some of her takes on relationships and sex.

Direct quote from both the interview and article:

"“Many people today, especially in the West, are going to have two or three committed relationships or marriages. Some of us are going to do it with the same person,” she said. “I’ve been married a few times, but with the same person. That keeps it interesting.”

“A relationship is a living, breathing organism that you need to reinvent and infuse,” she clarified — and made the case for not taking a relationship for granted."

The bolded hit me hard. Im not the same person and neither are you and neither is he. I was super into fitness, independent with lots of friends during the initial phases. Then my spouse has some serious (life and death) health issues and I experienced underemployment and then finally got a real job and then got pregnant. I lost touch with a lot of friends during this period because I was in survival mood with a high-needs baby and PPA/PPD. Then my MIL with dementia moved in with us. Then COVID hit. Then I got dx with hypothyroid and took 1.5 year to stabilize. MIL moved out.

We are just now re-discovering one another. Every time we tried to surface before this, something else would hit and we would be in survival mood. We are learning to re-like each other and that means us having our own interests but not at the expense of our relationship. I know that menopause/mid-life/empty nest will likely bring on another phase. And then aging in our 60-80s.

With a kid in the mix you don't really get to decide that 2-4 relationships are acceptable. Children need stability and blended families rarely work. I was looking at mothers day gifts and so many of them in that "family tree" vein whether its a painting or a tree of life or whatever and I cant do those because if I made the tree it would be my mom and my siblings which would hurt my stepdad and his daughter's feelings but it feels disingenuous to list them. It may feel all happy and great as the parent but it doesn't from the kid's perspective.

Your kid isn't part of your marriage but she is a product of your marriage and a piece of your family unit. I would ensure that you've given it what you can before dissolving the family unit.

Perel is wayyyy too lax about infidelity, but I do like her stuff for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She
won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Why do people say this stuff? My mom had 4 sh*tty marriages and I never thought any of them were “just how you do it.” I’ve been happily married 16 years.

And my parents-in-laws had parents who were happily married 50+ and they couldn’t figure it out and had three failed marriages each.

There’s not a direct relationship.

Strongly agree. My parents bailing on their marriage and entering new flawed marriages (and forcing me to navigate the stepchild/stepparent relationship) did NOTHING to help me have the successful marriage I have now. It just gave me new examples of what not to do.

[Anonymous]

Many thanks for sharing, OP. There is a very similar dynamic afoot in my household. But, fair warning, that you will face struggles with aging parents, with you or your spouses health, and/or with other life curve balls. Having a solid, caring, involved, working spouse is worth soooo much in this not that fair world… even if it’s boring or not emotionally connected or not enough talking. Really.