Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have a 7 year old daughter who we both adore. He's a great parent and a nice guy, but we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. I've gotten more confident and extroverted over the years and he's become more of a homebody. He's wonderful with our daughter, but the second she's asleep, he plays video games or reads alone downstairs. On weekends, we do things as a family, but we're both more excited about the activity and spending time with our kid, than we are about spending time with one another. When we fight, it's just about our relationship--I want more emotional connection, I want him to ask me questions, I want him to care about my thoughts and ideas....and he finds all of that tiresome. If I don't complain about our relationship, we don't fight, but we almost never have sx and we rarely have conversations besides discussions about our kid, logistics, the basics of work, etc. He never asks me questions and it's just clear that he doesn't particularly like me. We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc., but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only. Our ideal lives are very different at this point. He'd love to move to the country and I like living around other people. We don't fantasize together about retirement because our ideals are so different--I would love to go somewhere warm, and he wants to move somewhere like Vermont.

We both make about the same amount of money and I'm not too worried about our finances. I do worry about our kid. She's really attached to both of us, and the idea of her spending all of her time shuttling back and forth between houses sounds terrible. I definitely think my husband and I would be happier apart than we are together--I think we'd both enjoy being single and maybe we'd each find more suitable partners. I have no concerns about splitting custody because he's truly a great dad. But I struggle with one big thing (messing up my daughter's childhood) and one small thing (feeling ashamed that this would be my second divorce, as I had a short marriage in my 20s when I was young and dumb).

Our relationship is relatively low conflict now that I've stopped pestering my husband to be more affectionate to me, so from my kid's perspective, we have a peaceful house. Would you get divorced in this situation? Will it totally screw up my kid's life?

Lots of good comments. How are you investing your time and energy in DH? It’s ok for him to have his own hobbies (video games and reading)—do you actively encourage him or criticize his hobbies? Have you tried playing / reading with him? What are your hobbies and do you include him? What are your shared activities—if you don’t have any, what could you do? Theater? Concerts? Sporting events? Travel? Why can’t you have a place somewhere warm AND a place in Vermont?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Bullsh*t. Kids are pretty self-centered. If the parents don't fight and provide food, shelter and comfort, they thrive. They will be better off with no divorce. They don't need to see dad grab-*ssing mom all the time.

This stands out:

[/b]We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc.[b], but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only.

Lady, get into counseling with your husband. Marriages go through stages. You are in the valley of the U curve right now.

Major +1. That’s just something people tell themselves to justify divorcing (which is ultimately YOUR decision - if that’s what you decide to do, is okay. But don’t try to pass off some BS story about how you’re selflessly doing it for the kid(s) - it’s for you, because it’s what YOU want.)

OP I think you should try a lot more before divorcing in a situation like this. Counseling, set date nights and planned ACTIVITIES together (where you guys can bond and share experiences, not just you sitting across the table seething that he’s not asking you the right questions.) - and also YOU, personally, seeking out other outlets to help fulfill some of your emotional needs. I would absolutely not blow up a kid’s childhood under these circumstances

[Anonymous]

I'd try marriage counseling. Work on the issues the 2 of you have. Figure out what you can live with and what you can't. But I'd throw everything I could at making it work.

My parents are functional and divorced. They have a better relationship than many of my friend's parents who stayed together. I was 13 when they split, and I lived with my mom, but dad was nearby. I absolutely did not want to change houses each week.

There were bumps and some learning, but it wasn't some horrible tragedy in my life. I will say, I had siblings, which I think helped. We could compare notes and strategize about how to deal with or manage our parents. We still do that and we are all in our 40s.

Does your DH want more kids? If he gets remarried to someone younger and has more kids that gets very complicated and messy. My parents were in their 50s, and my dad did remarry, but someone his own age. This would be the main reason I'd stick it out for awhile. Men don't stay single and more children complicates the future IMMENSELY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

Most therapists and psychologists disagree.

Everything I’ve seen suggests it’s best to do it under age 10.

It’s a horrible thing to do to a kid, full stop. In some situations yes, it really may be the only option…but don’t be deluded into thinking if you divorce when your kids are younger it won’t negatively affect them for life. It absolutely will.

[Anonymous]

Our relationship is relatively low conflict now that I've stopped pestering my husband to be more affectionate to me, so from my kid's perspective, we have a peaceful house. Would you get divorced in this situation? Will it totally screw up my kid's life?

You have asked about how a divorce would impact you and your DD. However, I did not see anything about how your DH might feel about it.

How much as you talked to him about how he feels? And I do not mean pestering him to be more affectionate. I mean, have you asked him if he is unfulfilled as well? He is likely as unhappy as you are, and you may be surprised how open he would be to splitting up.

Be aware this divorce will be very different than your first one. You can have fun as a single mom and life might be less blah. It might also be less blah for him. He may not sit at home playing video games when he can find new things to do and new women to do them with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

Most therapists and psychologists disagree.

Everything I’ve seen suggests it’s best to do it under age 10.

It’s a horrible thing to do to a kid, full stop. In some situations yes, it really may be the only option…but don’t be deluded into thinking if you divorce when your kids are younger it won’t negatively affect them for life. It absolutely will.

Nah.

[Anonymous]

Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

[Anonymous]

I just had this conversation with my college girlfriends this past weekend. One of them grew up with parents who had a marriage that sounded like yours - no love or affection for each other, just stayed together "for the kids" and honestly also probably for financial reasons (they are well off but two households cost more than one).

That friend wishes her parents had gotten a divorce because she thinks it caused her to view marriage as a "suck it up and don't expect to be happy" kind of transaction and married someone who was her friend but not remotely her lover. She is now divorcing him for someone else for whom she feels passionately (although they don't have kids so I do think the calculation is different).

So while I would have said that a blah but otherwise happy marriage might be best for the kid, she felt the opposite, having lived in one. I do think the line between blah and unhappy might be hard to draw, though. And I also think that being married to someone who is your best friend that you laugh with and enjoy being with but have no physical relationship with is different than what you describe, which sounds like there is no passion of any kind, including on the friendship level. So my friend would say divorce in this situation because she hated being a kid with those kinds of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been married 20 years, and DH stopped asking about me, other than "how was your day" a long time ago. You've been married a while. What does he need to ask you?

Now that my husband and I both work from home, we eat lunch together almost every day. We've been together almost 20 years and we never run out of things to talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would your spouse attend marriage counseling and/or reinvest in your relationship by wooing you again if he knew you were seriously contemplating divorce? If you think he might, *and you can give him a clean slate*, why don’t you give him the courtesy of one last chance, for your child’s sake? Sometimes people don’t realize how dire the situation is and they need a truth bomb to detonate before they get it. You shouldn’t toy with him if you’ve already checked out and there’s nothing he could do to rekindle your interest, though. Decide whether you’re truly interested in rekindling and then, if you are, let him know that it’s now or never and it’s up to him.

But also then maybe be ready for him to say he wants a divorce as well? So yes, don't toy with him if there's no hope, but also don't say you're considering divorce if you'd be devastated if he agreed with you.

[Anonymous]

You need individual therapy.

I suspect you don’t have a good role model for a marriage.

What happened in your childhood?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I have a 7 year old daughter who we both adore. He's a great parent and a nice guy, but we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. I've gotten more confident and extroverted over the years and he's become more of a homebody. He's wonderful with our daughter, but the second she's asleep, he plays video games or reads alone downstairs. On weekends, we do things as a family, but we're both more excited about the activity and spending time with our kid, than we are about spending time with one another. When we fight, it's just about our relationship--I want more emotional connection, I want him to ask me questions, I want him to care about my thoughts and ideas....and he finds all of that tiresome. If I don't complain about our relationship, we don't fight, but we almost never have sx and we rarely have conversations besides discussions about our kid, logistics, the basics of work, etc. He never asks me questions and it's just clear that he doesn't particularly like me. We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc., but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only. Our ideal lives are very different at this point. He'd love to move to the country and I like living around other people. We don't fantasize together about retirement because our ideals are so different--I would love to go somewhere warm, and he wants to move somewhere like Vermont.

We both make about the same amount of money and I'm not too worried about our finances. I do worry about our kid. She's really attached to both of us, and the idea of her spending all of her time shuttling back and forth between houses sounds terrible. I definitely think my husband and I would be happier apart than we are together--I think we'd both enjoy being single and maybe we'd each find more suitable partners. I have no concerns about splitting custody because he's truly a great dad. But I struggle with one big thing (messing up my daughter's childhood) and one small thing (feeling ashamed that this would be my second divorce, as I had a short marriage in my 20s when I was young and dumb).

Our relationship is relatively low conflict now that I've stopped pestering my husband to be more affectionate to me, so from my kid's perspective, we have a peaceful house. Would you get divorced in this situation? Will it totally screw up my kid's life?

In your situation, I'd either 1) work on the marriage, if you can put your heart into it or 2) lower expectations and enjoy the partner and roommate you have.

The bolded is key either way. It's pretty clear that your behavior here is getting you towards neither of those two paths. If you want to go with option two, drop the fighting about your relationship and instead, work internally on coming to acceptance with the current state of your marriage. Find other (platonic) ways to get some closer emotional bonds (close friends, extended family, etc), get a good vibrator, and enjoy the good things you do have, like your family time together.

If you want to work on the marriage, nagging is not the path to emotional intimacy. Marriage counseling could be an option. Some level of acceptance of his desired level of emotional connection is going to be important in this case, as well. He's never going to ask you questions. Accept that. Instead, can you try a weekly date night? Just get out of the house, do something together, and enjoy each other's company? If there is stuff going on with you that you want him to know, just take the initiative to tell him yourself. Talk to him about the lack of sex. How does he feel about it? A weekly (or every other week, your call) scheduled night of sex might bring you closer. Have you ever asked him how he wishes your relationship was different? See what he says, try and do it.

Either way, to me is a solid option. And honestly, so is divorcing if that's what you want, though under these circumstances, I wouldn't.

The worst path is the one you're on now - trying to get him to change who he is. It's never going to get you what you want, and over time, it will move your relationship to a worse place and a tougher divorce (rather than just deciding now to go your separate ways).

[Anonymous]

I have divorced parents. I frequently give advice to women on this board to divorce, because my parents had a bad marriage, and for me as a child growing up with divorced parents was much better than parents in a bad marriage.

However, in your case, I would not divorce. It sounds like you guys are just bored. Frankly, I would continue to find fulfillment on your own if your partner is not giving you what you need and stay in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I wonder long long people on this thread have actually been married? I've been married now for 20 years, and your marriage is going through very, very normal doldrums. People have highly unrealistic expectations of marriage. There are months, if not years, when things are tough, boring, or just not that great. Romance ebbs and flows.
What does marriage really mean to you? For me, it's a commitment through thick and thin. Barring abuse and maybe infidelity, when a couple is together for 50-60 years over the course of their lifetime, you have to accept that there are going to be ups and downs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder long long people on this thread have actually been married? I've been married now for 20 years, and your marriage is going through very, very normal doldrums. People have highly unrealistic expectations of marriage. There are months, if not years, when things are tough, boring, or just not that great. Romance ebbs and flows.
What does marriage really mean to you? For me, it's a commitment through thick and thin. Barring abuse and maybe infidelity, when a couple is together for 50-60 years over the course of their lifetime, you have to accept that there are going to be ups and downs.

+1