Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I was typing on my phone. This is not being published. Writing is my profession; I have also taught college English. No writer, editor or publisher cares about writing that is not being published.

I don’t drink or do booty calls. You are presumptuous.

Divorced men have a harder time finding both sex and relationships than divorced women.

Online dating has changed it all. There are multiple studies about men having greater difficulty with access to sex than in previous generations. Anecdotal information from people I know confirm this. I have no problem getting dates or getting into a long-term relationship if I wanted to do that—I don’t. Divorced men have a harder time than women now for both. It is not 20 years ago.

Writing cannot be your profession. You are horrible at it. You are more likely a pirate.

I am an attorney and write as part of my job. Every time you write something, your reader draws an impression of you from what you have written. When you do sloppy work, you appear sloppy. If you cannot proofread your work, you should not write.

Please cite these "multiple studies" about men having greater difficulty "with access to sex than in previous generations." Your "anecdotal information" is useless, a fact you would know if you were an English instructor.

Finally, if you use the word "have" in the present tense (look it up), then you should use the word "want" in the same tense. I have put this in bold for you.

I am typing on my phone!

Attorneys usually can’t write articles or book. Bring an attorney does not give you any leg up in writing.

[Anonymous]

Or “books”

I am not on a computer (I am on my phone typing on the tiny screen).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

Well guess what I the PP and I AM divorced. What I said has been true for me. It’s pretty obvious why you’re divorced if this is how you react to someone sharing their experience.

If you have a problem, finding dates as a single mom, then you’re probably not very attractive because literally there are no issues.

Uh single mom is OK, single mom who is *twice* divorced is a huge red flag in the dating pool. Any twice divorced person is.

Who said anything about being divorced twice? No one is divorced twice. Comment not relevant.

Well, it would be OP’s second divorce. But her first one was a quickie in her 20s. Not as bad as having children with two different exes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

This depends on the kid and the situation and is not a reason to divorce without very, very pressing reasons. Your point is true - divorce hurts children no matter when it happens. It is impactful no matter when you do it there is no getting out of that. But giving your marriage a chance to get through the more intense child rearing years and come out on the other side, which many do is likely worth it in a marriage where there are a lot of good things going - fun vacations, fun when out with friends, fun family outings together every weekend. this is not something to blow up your child's entire life for. It sounds like the day to day is a bit of drudgery but man, that is parenting/life. The daily can have a lot of drudgery.

And I also don't have the same interests as my husband really. He likes to learn about history and watch basketball. Not my thing. He spends his evenings mostly doing things on his own and me as well. Our partnership is about way more than our shared interest. It is a life, it is children. Marriage and partnership is so much bigger. It sounds like finding that feeling of partnership and deep respect might be missing right now but seems like there is a lot of opportunity and strengths to find it in counseling. And time and time again people who have made it the long haul will say these years with young children are some of the toughest on a marriage. I think in a marriage as described, it is worth trying.

+1

OP, you were me 10 years ago. I was lonely, bored and depressed in my marriage. My then-DH was an early bird, I was a night owl. He was always introverted but grew increasingly so, and isolated himself from me, his family, and friends over the years. He always wanted to read instead of talk, he was not interested in me as a person, we did not have sex for years. He was, however a great father. We were roommates and co-parents.

We divorced. Our child never got over it and is still in therapy for anxiety, depression and panic attacks stemming from abandonment issues. I can honestly say that before our divorce our child was happy and carefree. Soon after we split our child started acting out and having panic attacks and they still do. While I don't know if we could have avoided such an outcome, I do regret that I did not try harder to stay together at least through childhood.

[Anonymous]

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/people-have-been-having-less-sex-whether-theyre-teenagers-or-40-somethings/?amp=true

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2767066

https://nypost.com/2021/11/09/majority-of-single-men-care-less-about-sex-now-than-pre-covid-study/amp/

[Anonymous]

Only divorce if you’d be happier potentially never being married again than being married to your current spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Bullsh*t. Kids are pretty self-centered. If the parents don't fight and provide food, shelter and comfort, they thrive. They will be better off with no divorce. They don't need to see dad grab-*ssing mom all the time.

This stands out:

[/b]We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc.[b], but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only.

Lady, get into counseling with your husband. Marriages go through stages. You are in the valley of the U curve right now.

I agree with PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Only divorce if you’d be happier potentially never being married again than being married to your current spouse.

PP here. Agree 100%. I am so much happier divorced. I knew I would be: I was not looking to remarry…I had to get out of that marriage.

People should divorce if they would prefer being single forever than staying in their marriage. It is not about finding another relationship.

I am the person who says it is easier for women than men after divorce for both casual relationships and serious relationships. I am a woman and have both options but I am not interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your vows say for better or worse. This is the worse you're going to divorce over??? Be for real!

Well he ignores her and they don't have sex. She has a roommate. Life is too short for this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

This depends on the kid and the situation and is not a reason to divorce without very, very pressing reasons. Your point is true - divorce hurts children no matter when it happens. It is impactful no matter when you do it there is no getting out of that. But giving your marriage a chance to get through the more intense child rearing years and come out on the other side, which many do is likely worth it in a marriage where there are a lot of good things going - fun vacations, fun when out with friends, fun family outings together every weekend. this is not something to blow up your child's entire life for. It sounds like the day to day is a bit of drudgery but man, that is parenting/life. The daily can have a lot of drudgery.

And I also don't have the same interests as my husband really. He likes to learn about history and watch basketball. Not my thing. He spends his evenings mostly doing things on his own and me as well. Our partnership is about way more than our shared interest. It is a life, it is children. Marriage and partnership is so much bigger. It sounds like finding that feeling of partnership and deep respect might be missing right now but seems like there is a lot of opportunity and strengths to find it in counseling. And time and time again people who have made it the long haul will say these years with young children are some of the toughest on a marriage. I think in a marriage as described, it is worth trying.

+1

OP, you were me 10 years ago. I was lonely, bored and depressed in my marriage. My then-DH was an early bird, I was a night owl. He was always introverted but grew increasingly so, and isolated himself from me, his family, and friends over the years. He always wanted to read instead of talk, he was not interested in me as a person, we did not have sex for years. He was, however a great father. We were roommates and co-parents.

We divorced. Our child never got over it and is still in therapy for anxiety, depression and panic attacks stemming from abandonment issues. I can honestly say that before our divorce our child was happy and carefree. Soon after we split our child started acting out and having panic attacks and they still do. While I don't know if we could have avoided such an outcome, I do regret that I did not try harder to stay together at least through childhood.[/quote
]. It sounds like your child inherited their fathers personality disorder which would have happened even if you stayed married

[Anonymous]

OP,
Divorcing quickly in your 20s and calling it young and dumb IS ok. People support this.
If you divorce a second time, with a kid who is only 7, and you’re leaving a guy who is a good dad but not exciting recently … that IS dumb. It’s no longer youth as an excuse. People in your life are going to draw the conclusion that you are impulsive and self absorbed. They will trust you and your word a lot less. And they definitely will not be rooting for you when you hit the dating market again.

[Anonymous]

The idea that you think one of you wanting to retire in Vermont and the other preferring retirement somewhere warm as an actual reason why you are considering divorce tells me you were way too immature to get married (the second time no less) and have a kid. Ridiculous. What are you going to do one day when faced with a real problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

Well guess what I the PP and I AM divorced. What I said has been true for me. It’s pretty obvious why you’re divorced if this is how you react to someone sharing their experience.

If you have a problem, finding dates as a single mom, then you’re probably not very attractive because literally there are no issues.

Uh single mom is OK, single mom who is *twice* divorced is a huge red flag in the dating pool. Any twice divorced person is.

Who said anything about being divorced twice? No one is divorced twice. Comment not relevant.

Well, it would be OP’s second divorce. But her first one was a quickie in her 20s. Not as bad as having children with two different exes.

Irrelevant. No one cares about a quickie divorce sans kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need individual therapy.

I suspect you don’t have a good role model for a marriage.

What happened in your childhood?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

Well guess what I the PP and I AM divorced. What I said has been true for me. It’s pretty obvious why you’re divorced if this is how you react to someone sharing their experience.

If you have a problem, finding dates as a single mom, then you’re probably not very attractive because literally there are no issues.

Uh single mom is OK, single mom who is *twice* divorced is a huge red flag in the dating pool. Any twice divorced person is.

Who said anything about being divorced twice? No one is divorced twice. Comment not relevant.

Well, it would be OP’s second divorce. But her first one was a quickie in her 20s. Not as bad as having children with two different exes.

Irrelevant. No one cares about a quickie divorce sans kids.

They don’t care about a quickie kidless divorce until the person divorces for a second time - then it starts to look like the behavior of a person who was always impulsive and never serious.