Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have a 7 year old daughter who we both adore. He's a great parent and a nice guy, but we have absolutely nothing in common anymore. I've gotten more confident and extroverted over the years and he's become more of a homebody. He's wonderful with our daughter, but the second she's asleep, he plays video games or reads alone downstairs. On weekends, we do things as a family, but we're both more excited about the activity and spending time with our kid, than we are about spending time with one another. When we fight, it's just about our relationship--I want more emotional connection, I want him to ask me questions, I want him to care about my thoughts and ideas....and he finds all of that tiresome. If I don't complain about our relationship, we don't fight, but we almost never have sx and we rarely have conversations besides discussions about our kid, logistics, the basics of work, etc. He never asks me questions and it's just clear that he doesn't particularly like me. We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc., but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only. Our ideal lives are very different at this point. He'd love to move to the country and I like living around other people. We don't fantasize together about retirement because our ideals are so different--I would love to go somewhere warm, and he wants to move somewhere like Vermont.

We both make about the same amount of money and I'm not too worried about our finances. I do worry about our kid. She's really attached to both of us, and the idea of her spending all of her time shuttling back and forth between houses sounds terrible. I definitely think my husband and I would be happier apart than we are together--I think we'd both enjoy being single and maybe we'd each find more suitable partners. I have no concerns about splitting custody because he's truly a great dad. But I struggle with one big thing (messing up my daughter's childhood) and one small thing (feeling ashamed that this would be my second divorce, as I had a short marriage in my 20s when I was young and dumb).

Our relationship is relatively low conflict now that I've stopped pestering my husband to be more affectionate to me, so from my kid's perspective, we have a peaceful house. Would you get divorced in this situation? Will it totally screw up my kid's life?

[Anonymous]

From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Bullsh*t. Kids are pretty self-centered. If the parents don't fight and provide food, shelter and comfort, they thrive. They will be better off with no divorce. They don't need to see dad grab-*ssing mom all the time.

This stands out:

[/b]We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc.[b], but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only.

Lady, get into counseling with your husband. Marriages go through stages. You are in the valley of the U curve right now.

[Anonymous]

I've been married 20 years, and DH stopped asking about me, other than "how was your day" a long time ago. You've been married a while. What does he need to ask you?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered asking for an open marriage?

[Anonymous]

Would your spouse attend marriage counseling and/or reinvest in your relationship by wooing you again if he knew you were seriously contemplating divorce? If you think he might, *and you can give him a clean slate*, why don’t you give him the courtesy of one last chance, for your child’s sake? Sometimes people don’t realize how dire the situation is and they need a truth bomb to detonate before they get it. You shouldn’t toy with him if you’ve already checked out and there’s nothing he could do to rekindle your interest, though. Decide whether you’re truly interested in rekindling and then, if you are, let him know that it’s now or never and it’s up to him.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced mom, I would absolutely not divorce over this. I think it can be helpful to recall that until very recently in human history, people married for logistical and financial reasons - not for love. This is still true in many cultures. I’m not saying your desire for intimacy and love is unreasonable, at all, but it is possible to get these from other sources. One person can’t be everything to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Bullsh*t. Kids are pretty self-centered. If the parents don't fight and provide food, shelter and comfort, they thrive. They will be better off with no divorce. They don't need to see dad grab-*ssing mom all the time.

This stands out:

[/b]We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc.[b], but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only.

Lady, get into counseling with your husband. Marriages go through stages. You are in the valley of the U curve right now.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Bullsh*t. Kids are pretty self-centered. If the parents don't fight and provide food, shelter and comfort, they thrive. They will be better off with no divorce. They don't need to see dad grab-*ssing mom all the time.

This stands out:

[/b]We do have fun as a family when we travel, go to friends' houses, etc.[b], but for our day to day, we're roommates and co-parents only.

Lady, get into counseling with your husband. Marriages go through stages. You are in the valley of the U curve right now.

+1 get thee to counseling! Ideally with your spouse for couples but if not you can start with individual. It's really normal to go through these peaks and valleys and you described a LOT of really good things in your marriage. I realize there are some things that are really hard to and I am not trying to discount them. But divorce with a kid is hard and it alters your life forever. Not just while she is a kid but also seeing grandchildren, holidays with your adult child. It isn't usually worth it when you all enjoy time as a family, he's a great dad, and you do have times you have fun together. You all need to work on the parts that aren't working with a professional and also, give it time.

Divorce is generally really hard on kids over the long term. Most will be okay though, a happy parent is also really important. But it really can't be understated how it alters how kids see the world and relationships. So I just think you should work on this longer before making such a big decision for all of you. Not all spouses are best friends. And sometimes for some portions of your life, marriage is in fact partnering to take care of a child and not much more. I dont think there is anything wrong with that. Since you do have fun at certain times, I think it is very hopeful that over the course of a lifespan you all could reconnect when out of the main child rearing years. For me, it is worth it to wait it out to maintain the intact family. I understand that isn't the case for everyone but I would say in this regard putting my kids needs about my own is worth it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

[Anonymous]

I just re-read this again and seriously, would.not.divorce. Absolutely not worth it for your kid. Nice guy, good dad, enjoy family time together. It's ok that you like to do different things - you should go out at night with your friends and build the budding social life you need in this moment (this may change for you later too! As you noted, you both have shifted and you will again. Life is long if we're lucky). He should stay home and read. And sometimes go out with you to meet you halfway which it sounds like he does, going out on family outings, vacations etc. This idea of romantic, best friend love being consistent throughout a 40-50 year marriage is just not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

Most therapists and psychologists disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

Most therapists and psychologists disagree.

Everything I’ve seen suggests it’s best to do it under age 10.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

This depends on the kid and the situation and is not a reason to divorce without very, very pressing reasons. Your point is true - divorce hurts children no matter when it happens. It is impactful no matter when you do it there is no getting out of that. But giving your marriage a chance to get through the more intense child rearing years and come out on the other side, which many do is likely worth it in a marriage where there are a lot of good things going - fun vacations, fun when out with friends, fun family outings together every weekend. this is not something to blow up your child's entire life for. It sounds like the day to day is a bit of drudgery but man, that is parenting/life. The daily can have a lot of drudgery.

And I also don't have the same interests as my husband really. He likes to learn about history and watch basketball. Not my thing. He spends his evenings mostly doing things on his own and me as well. Our partnership is about way more than our shared interest. It is a life, it is children. Marriage and partnership is so much bigger. It sounds like finding that feeling of partnership and deep respect might be missing right now but seems like there is a lot of opportunity and strengths to find it in counseling. And time and time again people who have made it the long haul will say these years with young children are some of the toughest on a marriage. I think in a marriage as described, it is worth trying.