Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many thanks for sharing, OP. There is a very similar dynamic afoot in my household. But, fair warning, that you will face struggles with aging parents, with you or your spouses health, and/or with other life curve balls. Having a solid, caring, involved, working spouse is worth soooo much in this not that fair world… even if it’s boring or not emotionally connected or not enough talking. Really.

+2 Stay OP -- you will be glad you did. Get counseling, find new interests, make new friends, and try to re-kindle what you once had. What attracted you to him? Were your parents divorced? Bad childhood?

[Anonymous]

Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

You really, really, really need to spend regular time together kid-free

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

If your husband won't do couples counseling, you do individual therapy, for you, with a good therapist. They will help you understand that you can't actually change him, you can only change your reactions to him and his behavior. And if this really is just a totally unsatisfying, unhappy relationship for you, they will help you work through that so that you won't have regrets.

[Anonymous]

My best friend has parents who divorced the minute they returned from dropping him off at college. His mom actually told him that she felt she had done her duty and was going to try to find her happiness. It really messed him up to think that he was somehow responsible for the state of his parents marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has parents who divorced the minute they returned from dropping him off at college. His mom actually told him that she felt she had done her duty and was going to try to find her happiness. It really messed him up to think that he was somehow responsible for the state of his parents marriage.

+1 I know a couple people like this. It's messed up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

Well then you should focus your energy on what you will do if he splits when DC goes to college or graduates from college. There is always a reason to stay for kids even after they have left—their marriage prospects, not splitting holidays, their inheritance, your finances, elder care. A simple nuclear family will always be more advantageous for kids if you can maintain one.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose parents divorced after the youngest graduated from college. It worked for them. She’s happily married and very successful in work and relationships now and so is her sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

Well then you should focus your energy on what you will do if he splits when DC goes to college or graduates from college. There is always a reason to stay for kids even after they have left—their marriage prospects, not splitting holidays, their inheritance, your finances, elder care. A simple nuclear family will always be more advantageous for kids if you can maintain one.

I completely disagree that you should stay together for kids after they are grown; sure, life is easier for them that way but you don’t have to sacrifice forever for your kids. However, I don’t think you should split while kids are young unless it’s really bad, and you are nowhere near really bad.

[Anonymous]

Just have a don’t ask don’t tell policy like many other similar situated marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

In my opinion, this is modeling a bad marriage to the kid(s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

You really, really, really need to spend regular time together kid-free

Sounds like he is already checked out. Too late and pointless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

Well then you should focus your energy on what you will do if he splits when DC goes to college or graduates from college. There is always a reason to stay for kids even after they have left—their marriage prospects, not splitting holidays, their inheritance, your finances, elder care. A simple nuclear family will always be more advantageous for kids if you can maintain one.

Wrong. Depends on their earnings. My kids have no financial losses. We are equal earners. We split holidays even when married. So did my married parents. Irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

You’re wrong. It’s actually better to divorce sooner rather than later, if you know you’re going to do it. When you wait to divorce until your kid is 18+, they feel like their childhood was a lie & that the rug is being pulled out from under them. Rip off the band aid

Most therapists and psychologists disagree.

Everything I’ve seen suggests it’s best to do it under age 10.

It’s a horrible thing to do to a kid, full stop. In some situations yes, it really may be the only option…but don’t be deluded into thinking if you divorce when your kids are younger it won’t negatively affect them for life. It absolutely will.

You are so wrong. It is not always horrible at all. Most studies show kids are fine long term.