Stay in a blah marriage for the kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and would absolutely not divorce over this. For those saying “is the model of marriage you want your child to learn from” that is so bogus. Yes. You want her to learn that it is a lifelong commitment not something you leave bc you’re bored or underwhelmed. It is tilting at windmills to think you’re going to get the perfect marriage on the third try as a double divorced with a young child in tow, it will not happen. You married for life and meant it. See it through and find other outlets (not adulterous) to feel more fulfilled.

I would not divorce over this yet…but modeling is true. My parents had a bad marriage…no normal martial relationship. They were miserable. I ended up in the exact same marriage. Patterns repeat. I eventually divorced. Everyone is better off. My parents are still miserably married and old. Waste of life. I see them once a year. I can’t tolerate being around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From your kid's perspective, this is what she's seeing as an example of marriage. Is this the kind of marriage you want for her? When she goes to college will you divorce? How do you think she'll feel knowing you wanted to divorce for 10 or so years but didn't because of her? She
won't just say "Gee, thanks guys!" She'll feel guilty.

Why do people say this stuff? My mom had 4 sh*tty marriages and I never thought any of them were “just how you do it.” I’ve been happily married 16 years.

And my parents-in-laws had parents who were happily married 50+ and they couldn’t figure it out and had three failed marriages each.

There’s not a direct relationship.

You are an anomaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

I am the immediate PP…while I do not agree with the statement that “ A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market” (I am divorced with two kids in my 40s and have more options than I did before kids…it is easier than before in my 20s)… I would only divorce if you (OP) would rather be single forever then married to your husband. I divorced knowing this. It was so bad single forever was better. If people divorce for the primary reason that they think there is something “better” I think they should not get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered asking for an open marriage?

NP. Of course the "open the marriage" folks found this thread.

Opening the marriage means she gets sex outside the marriage. Hooray. But she wants someone who is interested enough in her as a person to ask her about her day, her thoughts and opinions, share the same interests, even have the same retirement goals and preferences. In other words, she wants an actual relationship day to day. Opening the marriage means sex X times a week or month for her, but if you really believe she'll also find a man who is going to fulfill her other emotional and mental needs, you're nuts. An open marriage won't solve her issues other than lack of sex; she'll still come home to her DH and still think that at home, she's not getting the other attention she wants. And the likelihood that this OP would quickly start to want more emotional effort and interest from another sex partner is immensely high.

You really missed what her priorities are here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is all very helpful. The thing that gives me pause is that we really don’t like each other now. It’s not that we dislike one another, but there’s almost nothing between us. Knowing what I know now, I would never set him up with someone like me and vice versa. He’s a great dad, but not at all interested in me. He’s not emotionally supportive, even at times when it’s pretty easy/simple (e.g. a sick parent). I’ve asked him about therapy and he says that he really feels like “the ship has sailed” but there is no urgency around separation and we should stay together for as long as we can for our kid.

NP. This is where I wonder about posters on DCUM: "I've asked him about therapy." So don't ask. Get into individual therapy and also tell him that you want to work on the marriage -- so you can both at LEAST say to your kid later than you made a real, committed effort -- and couples therapy is a non-negotiable thing now. Make a case that you must have had enough in common to get married in the first place and you want to see if you can find where you both might reconnect as a couple again. I know no one can force an adult to go to therapy or to do the "homework" but it sounds like you haven't made clear how bad you think things are.

It sounds as if he is very, very comfortable where he is mentally and emotionally and in terms of his day to day activities. But if you both have a good time on those weekend outings with your kid, you need to put effort (both of you, not just you the OP) into thinking, what can we do as a couple that might be equally interesting? Not sit and talk about feelings (at first) but activities, outward things on which you can both focus and then have as a shared experience to talk about later.

An early PP noted that you sound as if you're both in a normal point that many marriages hit. "The bottom of the U curve" as that PP put it. I agree with that image and think you dont' see the other, upward side of the curve, and will have to work harder than most to get there. I wonder if you really don't "like" each other as much as you just walk past each other like each of you is furniture; when did that start? When you had a kid? . Read him your first paragraph of your first post on this thread. I wonder if he truly understands yet how many levels of resentment you have--that post sums it up. But don't read it to him until you have that first couples therapy appointment already lined up and can say, "I've got this appointment. Are you willing to put in effort here? Because I am, NOT just for Kid's sake but for the sake of the marriage we both entered into."

If you end up divorced, that's liveable, but check out the many threads on DCUM about women trying to date after divorce. It's very sobering and frankly depressing. Back up, think about why you married; if he changed; if YOU changed; what caused changes. And as a PP says, double down on your own friendships, join activities, etc., while you get that therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

Well guess what I the PP and I AM divorced. What I said has been true for me. It’s pretty obvious why you’re divorced if this is how you react to someone sharing their experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce if you wish, but do be aware that you might not marry or find a long-time relationship again. A single mom of a 7 year old isn’t exactly a hot commodity in the dating market.

Untrue

It is true. Practically it is very difficult with logistics and there are conflicting loyalties if you are a good mother. Men want to come first. Dating takes time. Even if you find someone the likelihood is they have no commitment to your child. There are a lot of issues you might not foresee.

You are clearly not divorced. There are not conflicting loyalties. Kids are first. Divorced people understand this. No issues dating as a single mom.

That is not a reason to leave but stop spewing nonsense. You don’t know what you are talking about.

Well guess what I the PP and I AM divorced. What I said has been true for me. It’s pretty obvious why you’re divorced if this is how you react to someone sharing their experience.

If you have a problem, finding dates as a single mom, then you’re probably not very attractive because literally there are no issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you considered asking for an open marriage?

NP. Of course the "open the marriage" folks found this thread.

Opening the marriage means she gets sex outside the marriage. Hooray. But she wants someone who is interested enough in her as a person to ask her about her day, her thoughts and opinions, share the same interests, even have the same retirement goals and preferences. In other words, she wants an actual relationship day to day. Opening the marriage means sex X times a week or month for her, but if you really believe she'll also find a man who is going to fulfill her other emotional and mental needs, you're nuts. An open marriage won't solve her issues other than lack of sex; she'll still come home to her DH and still think that at home, she's not getting the other attention she wants. And the likelihood that this OP would quickly start to want more emotional effort and interest from another sex partner is immensely high.

You really missed what her priorities are here.

PP here. I asked for an open marriage. He said he would prefer a divorce so we got a divorce. I also prefer divorce, but thought maybe an open marriage was an option, but in most cases an open marriage is not really a reasonable option at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marriage counseling if he will.

Otherwise, yes, stay. Until her second year of college.

Yes, waiting until you're older and fatter is the perfect plan for meeting someone who will ask about your day.

[Anonymous]

Yes, waiting until you're older and fatter is the perfect plan for meeting someone who will ask about your day.

Ask about my day? I am looking for someone who will shake the bedposts and, even older and fatter, I am very likely too hot for you.

Most men who know so little about women (like this PP) only get action on their Xbox.

[Anonymous]

I did. Two kids. They're in college/grown now and I don't regret it. We're still married, live largely separate lives. It's fine.

[Anonymous]

Marriage isn’t going to be exciting after many years. That’s kind of the point. It’s for stability, finances, family etc. Get some hobbies and make some plans. Getting divorced over this is crazy.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I asked for an open marriage. He said he would prefer a divorce so we got a divorce. I also prefer divorce, but thought maybe an open marriage was an option, but in most cases an open marriage is not really a reasonable option at all.

Unless you are in the top .1% of men in terms of attractiveness, an open marriage is a mistake since most women can find NSA relationships at will even when they are not attractive. Which means the man is sitting at home with the kids while she is living it up.

However, divorce men will have more options if they appear to be open to a "relationship." Divorced women will always have more NSA options; however, their options for relationships will diminish more every year as they move from the barstool at J Gilbert's to the barstool at Sunrise Senior Living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP here. I asked for an open marriage. He said he would prefer a divorce so we got a divorce. I also prefer divorce, but thought maybe an open marriage was an option, but in most cases an open marriage is not really a reasonable option at all.

Unless you are in the top .1% of men in terms of attractiveness, an open marriage is a mistake since most women can find NSA relationships at will even when they are not attractive. Which means the man is sitting at home with the kids while she is living it up.

However, divorce men will have more options if they appear to be open to a "relationship." Divorced women will always have more NSA options; however, their options for relationships will diminish more every year as they move from the barstool at J Gilbert's to the barstool at Sunrise Senior Living.

It’s true women have it easier than men for no strings. Most men won’t get a lot of sex in an open marriage: my exH knew this.

Many divorced women are not interested in serious relationships or remarriage so who cares about that comment