parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my mom has literally been sending me and my sisters screen shots from Brene Brown that have been taken out of context. The way she is interpreting it is enabling. I'm irritated.

I can't cancel, it's too late now.

I come from dysfunction too. My mom also did Golden Child Scapegoat and then tries to make us all behave like we love eachother in some disturbing of dance of hers. Don't engage. Don't defend. Don't try to reason with her.

Look, if you are desperate enough and can afford it you and twin could back out and say you are all sick or something. Otherwise you go and remember this feeling well so you never get sucked in again. You don't vacation with your parents. You don't tell them about plans you made, even with twin sister.

I should have taken this advice before engaging. I did engage and was literally invalidated on every, single point. My mom had excuses for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d just go for the weekend and have no contact with any of them. They’re staying in a separate place, yes? Just block their texts and calls. Go about your business. I’m serious. If your parents and and older sister want to hang out at some resort in WV, that’s their prerogative. But you’re under no obligation to have any meals with them, tell them where you’re going or what you’re doing.

LOL is this your actual advice?

Absolutely. OP is all over the place and can’t manage this. She just needs to make a clean break from the crazy. She’s not capable of managing any middle ground.

She needs a clean break from the crazy by acting crazy. Ok then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

I didn’t plan it inviting everyone…I planned it for my own family and later invited my twin sister. My parents literally asked if they could come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easier said than done, you will have to accept that your parents prioritize their relationship with your older sister and her kid, over you and their grandkids. Mourn the loss of what you wanted, try to accept what can't be and work on moving on. I have a similar but different dynamic in my family. My mom is dysfunctional and will do anything my sibling tells her and I dare not ask for anything remotely comparable, like one time child care. It sucks, but it is what it is.

+1 Maybe they do favor the older sister.

You sound like a healthy person, PP. Good job dealing with "it's unfair" like a mature adult, in a way that doesn't sink you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

I didn’t plan it inviting everyone…I planned it for my own family and later invited my twin sister. My parents literally asked if they could come.

Right. But how did they find out about it??? Oh yeah, you all overshared. See how you’re all creating your own drama. Clearly you’re getting something out of this. When you figure that out, perhaps you’ll be able to set and enforce some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your family has long ago shown you who they are- the question is why you continue to enable them

They are also showing they love the OP and her kids, and the twin sis and her kids. Why else would they want to spend the weekend with her? If they didn't care about her, they wouldn't bother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

I didn’t plan it inviting everyone…I planned it for my own family and later invited my twin sister. My parents literally asked if they could come.

Sounds like they enjoy your company. Seriously, OP, are you someone who reads something negative into everything? THEY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. SO DOES YOUR OLDER SISTER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

It’s not that big a deal that she gets more childcare, I get that she lives nearby but the fact that she throws it in my face and our other sisters face like she’s entitled to it and doesn’t recognize it’s a huge privilege is problematic and said it’s hurtful for me to even recognize her privilege… The other piece is when her child came along, visits with my family mostly stopped. We used to see them more frequently, they used to come for the day just to spend the day with the kids, even if I was at work and this literally stopped. Cold Turkey. Instead of special days with grandparents which they were always welcome to do….we have a 3 hour visit where they come to my house for lunch and abruptly leave when my dad is just done. They have made a big deal about being able to see my niece grow up when we aren’t that far at all. We have a nice guest room and cook and always treat them to a nice meal. It’s the dramatic change in attention my kids get, who have begun to notice. They truly do prioritize my niece over any other grandkids and minimize the kids may feel hurt.

[Anonymous]

I don't get this at all. You say you planned for this all year, but then you set the whole thing up to fail by allowing other people.

OP, people don't change--family dynamics don't change. It's all predictable.

You should have never let your sister come last year. You opened the door right there. Then you say your mom is narcissistic etc but you let them come.

You designed it all, and now you are going to punish them for *showing up and being themselves* by opting out of Thanksgiving.

Opt out or don't opt out in the future, but you need to OWN this situation was of your making.

So just get on with it. Have vacations with those who are PROVEN to be good relatives to vacation with.

The therapist can help you with the language to set firm boundaries. You can practice with the therapist. You have to get to a place where while you may care that they are mad at you, you don't care enough and are willing to make that trade so you can have your boundaries in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

+1. OP keeps talking about “boundaries,” but other than the parents inviting the older sister on the trip (and I agree with you, once the twin and the parents were invited, not inviting the older sister is mean), I don’t see a lot of boundary crossing. I see OP being massively resentful of her parent’s attention to the older sister. I do wonder about the dynamic with the twin — it sounds like the bond between the twins has something to do with this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

Are you in middle school? “Mean?”

The older sister chose to be excluded by her ongoing CHOICE to have a crap attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

I didn’t plan it inviting everyone…I planned it for my own family and later invited my twin sister. My parents literally asked if they could come.

Sounds like they enjoy your company. Seriously, OP, are you someone who reads something negative into everything? THEY WANT TO BE WITH YOU. SO DOES YOUR OLDER SISTER.

YOUR READING COMPREHENSION IS TERRIBLE (since apparently, for some reason, we’re SHOUTING).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

It’s not that big a deal that she gets more childcare, I get that she lives nearby but the fact that she throws it in my face and our other sisters face like she’s entitled to it and doesn’t recognize it’s a huge privilege is problematic and said it’s hurtful for me to even recognize her privilege… The other piece is when her child came along, visits with my family mostly stopped. We used to see them more frequently, they used to come for the day just to spend the day with the kids, even if I was at work and this literally stopped. Cold Turkey. Instead of special days with grandparents which they were always welcome to do….we have a 3 hour visit where they come to my house for lunch and abruptly leave when my dad is just done. They have made a big deal about being able to see my niece grow up when we aren’t that far at all. We have a nice guest room and cook and always treat them to a nice meal. It’s the dramatic change in attention my kids get, who have begun to notice. They truly do prioritize my niece over any other grandkids and minimize the kids may feel hurt.

So, you say it’s not a “big deal” that your sister gets more child care, but you’re mad that she doesn’t feel bad about it? Exactly how is she supposed to “recognize her privilege” in a way that would satisfy you?

You say that your parents’ visits stopped “cold turkey,” but then you say that they do come, but they don’t stay long enough? Who knows why they don’t want to spend the night anymore, but it sounds like you’ve gone from having the only grandchildren to having to share the grandparents’ attention with others. The others happen to live close by to the grandparents, so they naturally get more attention. How often do you go to visit them there? It sounds like you made a choice of where you want to live and you’re expecting your parents to make all the effort to make up the difference so your sister’s kids don’t get more attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op….it’s not ok to plan an extended family vacation and then invite everyone but one family member. That’s just mean. You should have kept it to just your twin and her kids and not mentioned it to anyone else.

I also think it’s odd that you choose to live two hours away from your parents, and your sister lives ten minutes away, but you complain she gets more child care. Well of course she does. She lives ten minutes away.

You all sound like dramatic nightmares, including you.

I didn’t plan it inviting everyone…I planned it for my own family and later invited my twin sister. My parents literally asked if they could come.

Right. But how did they find out about it??? Oh yeah, you all overshared. See how you’re all creating your own drama. Clearly you’re getting something out of this. When you figure that out, perhaps you’ll be able to set and enforce some boundaries.

Yes, yes, and yes. Come on OP.