parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

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10/02/2022 18:25

Subject: parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

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Anonymous

I do an annual weekend with my nuclear family to WV for a fun, fall weekend. We've been going for years and no family has ever wanted to join us except for my older sister last year. She came but it was very difficult to arrange, she was pretty difficult during the visit, and then complained about the cost and didn't want to pay half as she didn't actually read the price appropriately. I wasn't exactly thrilled to invite her again.

This year, I invited my twin sis+ her kids. They live 8 hours away and it's been REALLY hard to find weekends that work so this is literally our 2nd and last visit of 2022 with them. My parents asked if they could come like a week ago and we agreed that is fine but they are staying in a separate suite at the same resort as they are in the 70s and can't handle kids much....they'll join in a few things.

Family dynamics are basically dysfunctional. My mom has exhibited some narcissistic tendencies, my dad enables her, my older sister is the golden child, my twin sister is the scapegoat, and I'm I guess the one who is expected to mend all and bend to whatever boundary crossing is done & be joyful. My older sister is 40 years old, has a long-term bf and a toddler. She has had a lifetime of mooching off of everyone around her. She is gifted free childcare by my parents & the other set of grandparents, while me and my twin sister have STRUGGLED with childcare and she doesn't recognize that she has privilege in that. She lives 10 min from my parents while I live 2 hours and my parents barely see my kids. She's entitled and expects others to plan holidays, vacations, ect. and then if she feels like it...she crashes everything the day before and expects to be given a room and free food/drink with maybe supplying a bottle of wine like she's still a college kid whose broke. I'm the one who has been booking everything over the past few years and it's become a problem and I've said I"m not doing it anymore. It's been requested that I essentially make my needs small and not talk about it much because she wasn't experiencing the same thing at that moment such as my OWN wedding when she was my maid of honor, and my entire pregnancy/birth of my 1st child, and when we needed love from family in the midst of the pandemic totally alone and isolated with 2 kids while I worked in a hospital with no childcare and were told to "deal with it". My own kids got mostly dropped when my older sister got pregnant. They occasionally baybsat for us (overnight maybe 3 times in 7 years and the last time I got screamed at for not coming back in less than 48 hours over my 10th anniversary with my dad saying he was never babysitting again because my 6 year old bickered with our 5 year old neighbor). Holidays? My parents literally prioritize my older sister over me and my twin despite seeing them all.the.time and barely seeing us. She complained about not being able to travel so I invited them to come with us on a trip of lifetime this year to Europe (HUGE surprise for my kids, mostly my 7 year old) and they said no, that they couldn't bare to be apart from my older sister+niece for even a few days at the holidays.....forget even attempting to see my twin sister+her kids who have experienced SO much. I even later suggested they visit my twin sis+her kids who are not able to travel at all over the holidays and they said no, they can't leave my older sister. My older sister is CLEARLY prioritized over me and my twin sister.

I got into it this summer with my older sister after a series of hateful comments directed towards me and my twin sis. I responded politely with airing out that she needs to recognize that we all care about our parents and have different needs and different experiences as parents but she needs to recognize her privilege in having SO much support and an involved partner. She flipped out and said that it was cruel to tell her that. I reviewed it with a friend who is a psychologist and was told that there was nothing cruel in what I said at all.

My mom has been quite difficult and is insisting that me and my twin sister just need to "move on" without ANY resolution. She insists I let ALL cruelty, boundary crossing go in the name of keeping the peace. My twin sis has been in counseling 2 years and is holding her ground with her boundaries and until my older sister is able to respect said boundaries, it's a nope. I've been on a journey of recognizing that with my older sister having a child now, me and my kids play second fiddle, no doubt.

My older sister texted me and my twin yesterday saying that our mom INVITED HER to WV next weekend and she'd like to come. Like wtf?! We are NOT talking, NOTHING is resolved and I've been under HIGH stress with work/kids and I wanted to enjoy a weekend with my kids/sis/nieces/nephews.

I've been planning this weekend for almost a year. I called my mom to confront her that it was inappropriate to invite my older sister as we had invited THEM just a week ago and she said that she disagreed and my older sister misses her nieces/nephews and is wanting to see them. Like WTF?? she didn't even ask us if this was okay, if we want to see them??? I told her that doesn't respect our boundaries and she's gone on about how she's read an article by Brene Brown about boundaries and is writing a big email to me and my sisters....once again, trying to shame me and my twin sister into accepting whatever they want. At this point, I feel like the weekend is ruined no matter what we do.

At this point, I'm pissed AF. I actually don't want to come for Thanksgiving either. I think I'm probably going to have it out with my parents. This sucks. I just wanted a sweet weekend with my precious nieces/nephews and twin sis. What would you do besides obviously pursue counseling to process this trauma?