parents invited sister to a fall weekend- boundaries crossed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

Good for you OP, and good luck with all.

[Anonymous]

I think reduced contact and therapy are good moves as well strengthening the bonds of your relationship with your tein sister and her family will be a good balm for your soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s time to divorce your parents and older sis. Just stop all contact. My BFF did this and, with lots of therapeutic support, she’s living her happiest life.

Terrible advice. This is advice from someone completely broken inside. No way your "BFF" is living her happiest life. Her happiest life would be coming to terms with her parents. Cutting them off is quitting. OP has not said anything that implies cutting off her family would be sensible. It's crazy advice.

This is why I would never take advice from DCUM. Lots of damaged people trying to get others to follow the same sad route they did.

Wherever you got your psychiatry/psychology degree, get a refund. What total BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unlikely you'll ever receive the validation and resolution from your older sister and even your parents. At this point, I'd probably create a 3-way text with your twin and your older sister and say something like: "Mom told me that you'd like to join the trip that I planned to WV. Here's a link to the accommodations so that you can book a stay. Before the trip, I'd like to schedule a time the three of us can speak. This trip means a lot to me and my kids, so I'd like it to be a positive experience and not enter the trip with a great deal of awkwardness and anger. I'd like to share with you how I've experienced some of our recent interactions so that we can arrive at a resolution that might make this trip more enjoyable."

She'll be defensive, but you will have a chance to express yourself. You can only control your actions.

LOL, this is a blueprint for starting off the trip on the wrong foot. Jeez people.

Why?

"Before we go, I'd like us all to sit down so I can tell you my grievances about your behavior." What? Can't you all just try to enjoy each other's company for one weekend, even though the other people may be flawed?

What if the shit that spills about OP shocks the hell out of her -- or do you really think they have no grievances about HER, and is she ready to hear that and THEN have a weekend together?

Come on, a little bit of common sense goes a long way.

No. You don’t get to be a jerk and have everyone smooth over and pretend nothing happened. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

1) You need to stop using the word literally.

2) You need to stop expecting your parents to provide free childcare for you. They owe you nothing of the sort. Whatever they provide to your sister is irrelevant, especially since she lives close to them and you do not.

3) You need to work on your anger and focus on letting it go. Do you see how it's hurting no one but yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

Good for you OP, and good luck with all.

Excellent perspective and path forward. You'll be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You need to stop using the word literally.

2) You need to stop expecting your parents to provide free childcare for you. They owe you nothing of the sort. Whatever they provide to your sister is irrelevant, especially since she lives close to them and you do not.

3) You need to work on your anger and focus on letting it go. Do you see how it's hurting no one but yourself?

You need to stop being so judgey.

You need to stop giving poor advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) You need to stop using the word literally.

2) You need to stop expecting your parents to provide free childcare for you. They owe you nothing of the sort. Whatever they provide to your sister is irrelevant, especially since she lives close to them and you do not.

3) You need to work on your anger and focus on letting it go. Do you see how it's hurting no one but yourself?

You need to stop being so judgey.

You need to stop giving poor advice.

You need to stop hoping no one gets better, leaving you all alone with your misery. That would suck -- for you.

Or you could work on being a better person yourself, PP. It's possible for you. You can be a person who no longer holds resentments and keeps track of past trespasses. There's a reason all major religions advise this -- not because it's Godly (I don't believe in God) but because it's a healthier way to live than being mean, bitter and vindictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- my mom has literally been sending me and my sisters screen shots from Brene Brown that have been taken out of context. The way she is interpreting it is enabling. I'm irritated.

I can't cancel, it's too late now.

It is never too late to cancel even if you have to suck up the price. You essentially make a choice between your money and your sanity. If the money wins, then deep down maybe the situation isn't as bad as you think. How much would you pay to avoid the conflict with your sister and mother this weekend? You've lined up the pros and cons, and seeing them isn't bad enough to cancel, right?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. This is the precise occasion to stand up and stand firm. Your older sister is not invited. Period. If you have not responded to her, don’t. Cut off communication.

As for your Mother, send her an email and be matter of fact.

1. Your sister and you are not on speaking terms
2. This is your family trip and you have say who can come.
3. If your parents are not happy that your older sister is not invited, they are welcome to stay home.


I would drastically reduce contact with parents. Phone calls once a month, if on FB, put them in a category that get to see less pics of what you post. Create distance. They will be hurt but not as much as you have been hurt and you must focus on your own sanity and nuclear family. You have your twin and her family, cherish them. This is your family
moving forward.

Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did it ever occur to you that you are a mean spirited PITA and that's why your parents prefer your sister? You have said nothing positive about anyone, and they're your family. Whine whine whine, complain complain complain. Judge judge judge. And yet you wonder why they don't have a better relationship with you than with your sister.

As opposed to you, you little ray of sunshine?

[Anonymous]

So much complaining. Couldn’t even understand the op beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am so sorry you have to deal with this. This is the precise occasion to stand up and stand firm. Your older sister is not invited. Period. If you have not responded to her, don’t. Cut off communication.

As for your Mother, send her an email and be matter of fact.

1. Your sister and you are not on speaking terms
2. This is your family trip and you have say who can come.
3. If your parents are not happy that your older sister is not invited, they are welcome to stay home.


I would drastically reduce contact with parents. Phone calls once a month, if on FB, put them in a category that get to see less pics of what you post. Create distance. They will be hurt but not as much as you have been hurt and you must focus on your own sanity and nuclear family. You have your twin and her family, cherish them. This is your family
moving forward.

Wishing you the best.

Then why are you giving her that advice? What a sad way to live, definitely not "the best."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much complaining. Couldn’t even understand the op beyond that.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Chiming in - my sibling has always received 100% free childcare from my parents. Not only that, my parents paid for preschool, serve as drop-in care on school's out days, take them on weekends, sick days, arrange playdates, etc. When they are visiting us, they check in constantly. They talk about my nephews as if they are their children instead of grandchildren. These are the facts. But I also know as much as it hurts me, my parents do not think my sibling and partner are capable of parenting without their help, and are scared of what would happen to my nephews without them. OP is that part of the dynamic?

I've spent A LOT of time in therapy mourning the family I thought I would have. My parents do love us but their priority is my nephews. My ILs love us but they live in another country. DH and I are on our own but we make it work. I don't want my kids sensing family drama or feeling like my parents stress me out or don't love them. We make the best of it when they are around. These are the statements I return to when I start to feel weak or hurt.

NP here. I could have written that entire post above. That is pretty much my exact same situation. My kids were first grandchildren, my parents stopped all visits once my sister had her first kid. My sister lives in a house owned by my parents, my parents take her kids to school, are the first person the school calls when there is an issue with one of the kids (sick, etc), they sign them up and take them to activities, camps, vacations, etc and they pay for everything. EVERYTHING. My family and my children get none of that. I don't need any money, and I've never asked for childcare, but having them visit where they aren't glued to their phone talking to my sister or her kids the entire 90 minutes they're here would be a miracle.

People who don't have the family dynamic that OP, PP and I have won't understand. There have been other threads on this, I think the most recent one in the family section was about if you have a family that centers around one person (if you want to do a search). It sucks for the left out adult children and grandchildren. There are years of resentment, hurt feelings, disappointment, and it seems like the person who isn't motivated enough or who manipulates or who is lazy gets all the attention while the adult child who is responsible does not. People are only human. It is ok for OP to be resentful, to be hurt. I wouldn't feed into this drama. I wouldn't go on this weekend, I wouldn't plan anything moving forward with my parents if I was OP. My mother would totally bring my sister and her kids, paying for them, without asking. Just don't go. It won't end well.

Thanks for your responses/input! I have gotten the sense that my parents feel that my BS can't cope without them. This is why they've had me minimize my needs throughout our lives and I'm expected to just cope alone, without support while she gets ALL the support. I'm EXPECTED to hold everyone together, be the joyful sister that will ALWAYS host, ALWAYS arrange, ALWAYS push things under the rug, while also feeling very hurt by their behaviors. My BS is NOT coming this weekend and sent a whole email to me and my TS.

She acted like it was an apology but it wasn't. She indicated that she is hurt and feels like crap even hearing/knowing that I'm planning cool trips and she's not....for what it's worth, a big hobby of mine is traveling and not just traveling but seeking out cheap travel deals/unique things with my family. We don't do many toys (still have a ton from gifts!) but we really value and prioritize travel. I come up with lots of ideas...most of which don't work out but it's my hobby. I do lots of little things too: day trips, small weekend camping trips....I invite others and am always down for coming up for brainstorming something fun to do with the kids locally, regionally, nationally, or abroad...my sis has traveled a good bit herself and has done tons of long weekends in the past 6 months (which is what she preferred in lieu of doing bigger trips). She's choosing to not do those things and yet, I'm at fault for even just living my life. This goes back to the dynamic of where I'm expected to reduce myself to make her feel better about her own insecurities.

One thing I thought of when someone implied I was just jealous when it comes to childcare....when I was pregnant with my 1st child, my mom repeatedly made a comment that she was so excited to be able to see a grandchild "grow up" since my TS lives so far away. They used to do a special day once in a while with my older DS and still have the possibility of doing all of that but literally stopped. My younger child has never had a special day with his grandparents. They've made clear choices over the past 3-4 years that made it obvious that my kids are not a priority. Ex: Christmas 2021 we traveled for christmas after dealing with the loss of my FIL and planned to host EVERYONE at our home from the 27th/28th of december-Jan 2nd as my BS was getting married near me on the 1st. She cancelled her wedding and covid cropped up more, my TS couldn't come because of shared custody stuff, and then my parents/BS refused to even test for covid to gather and instead insisted it was "FINE" for them to come for 2 hours outside in my backyard to exchange gifts in lieu of a few days celebrating the holidays.....irony is they all got covid the day before they were going to come. My mom also shamed me christmas morning for not being with her but only because her sister called her and asked why we weren't there....it wasn't ever about actually celebrating, it was performative.

Right now, after discussing it with my husband, we are pulling back significantly with my parents/older sister. I'm pulling back in phone conversations, they don't exactly visit and we had originally planned on going for Thanksgiving so I'm not sure if we will still go or not. If we go, we will go for the day only and return. I'm planning on increasing visits with my TS and her kids and we've agreed, it's best to not even tell the rest of the family. It's none of their business. I'm not going no-contact but reducing contact will help.

OP, your sister is close to your parents, therefore making frequent childcare possible. You are envious of that.
You arranged your life so that you plan frequent vacations. She is envious of that.

It isn't different. The point is that we all make life choices and have our own forms of privilege. We shouldn't be expected to somehow apologize for that to other people that don't have the exact same.